This is literally just going to be a rant, and have no actual form or flow to it at all. I apologize in advance, but I need to get some shit off my chest!
I thought I was grumpy yesterday, and it was Friday the 13th. But today I woke up and it was even worse....
Nothing has gone right this week, and that SUCKS! I have felt poopy, and have a hernia.... and been taken advantage of ALL week. I finally hit my breaking point. Sucks!!!!!!!! The thing with me is that I love to be surrounded by fun and laughter. I want everyone around me to be happy and successful and feel loved. The problem is that sometimes that puts me in a position to be completely screwed over. And of course I take it personally. Everything I do comes from the heart, so that is the place the hurt goes if it doesn't work out.
This seemed most apparent to me in my most recent relationship. I have really only had one in the last year and a half, and there really is NOT much I can say as to how you would classify this one. I can't even tell you exactly how long we were together.... hmmmmmmm.
Anyway, so there I am, single and not miserable, and in walks this guy who I have known for the better part of a year, and he is successful and driven and divorced with kids... he makes me laugh and he understands my situation and how much I work, and we just seemed to "fit". There were so many people who were like, "Yes, this makes sense." POWER COUPLE is how we were described. We crammed a year's worth of a relationship into the 1st month. Next thing I know, we are talking about the future and everything that entails, and how we envisioned life with each other.... and then 2 months later..... and I haven't talked to him since. Not one word. and it has been months.... and nothing.
I have to be honest, other than my marriage I have NEVER been THAT forgiving and THAT understanding, and sacrificed THAT much to try to make a relationship work. I did absolutely EVERYTHING that I could to make the most of it, and he didn't even have the decency to break up with me. Such a slap in the face. BUT, there are some lessons to be learned here.................
I just am not sure what they are and if I have learned them yet.
I want to be cynical about relationships, and say that they don't work for this, this, and this reason. I want to say "Fuck Guys!" and all their immaturity and indecisiveness. I am finally in this place where I feel secure with who I am, and who I want to be, where I want to go, and what I want to do.... and I have no one to share it with.
There is someone... this intangible person that I see in my dreams nightly. This one man who makes up every star in my sky. I want to hold him... I want to kiss the back of his neck, right at the hairline, and lightly rest my head on the back of his head. I want to wake up to morning coffee and have lunch under an umbrella on a beach. And as romantic and poetic and fantasy like this all sounds... he and I have done all of these things before. I know what we had, and I know what I lost. And I know it was my fault. SO........
I have started to believe that I have been hurt repeatedly to pay me back for the pain that I have also caused.
I think they call this karma. I can only hope that I have done enough good since then to tilt the scales back into my favor, because I will see this man soon, and then... only then... will we know.
Until then I am doing the best I can to take advantage of every second of every day, and make the most of it. I WILL succeed this time, and failure is NOT an option. I will do what it takes, and nothing less. I will not let life, a man, or anyone or thing beat me down this time. I will not allow nay-sayers to creep into my head an place some false sense of doubt inside because deep down... I know better. I have been there, and I have seen it. I have felt it and tasted it, and I crave it once again...
Happiness...
Success...
Security....
Peace!
And soon... It will be mine.
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