Baby, Baby, Baby... OOOH!

3rd Post:
Feb. 7, 10
Every End Is A New Beginning!

...."When does hurting your heart become more important than healing it? This is a tough question because who wants to hurt? There have been very few times in my life when I chose to be miserable over being happy, because I knew the misery would fade and ultimately I would be happier in the long run. I have made some tough decisions because they were the right ones. I was able to make them because I knew it was the right choice for my son... our family. I ended a realtionship that I cherished with every part of myself. I loved this man, and I wanted so desperately for it to work that I spent almost a year nurturing it, and trying to help it grow. Unfortunately, some things are not meant to be, and it is always sad.

I was posed recently with the question, "What are you fighting for?", and the answer that came to mind in that moment was, "I don't know." and in that moment, I was right. Now looking back over the last 24 hours, on the nose, I have realized what it was. I was fighting for hope; I was fighting for love; I was fighting for persistence and chivalry, and the idea that love can be so amazing. I am scorned. I have been divorced, and watched the life that I had planned for myself slowly crumble in my hands. How did I gain all of these ideals, that are hopelessly romantic? I don't have an answer to that either. I know that I am tough as nails when it comes to things, and though my heart is broken today for the choice that I had to make, I feel myself healing already. I feel myself mending all of the little wounds that were created over the last year, and I feel little pieces of myself coming back. I have learned a lot from this relationship, and I will carry it on into my next one.

Today I feel lighter. Today I feel as though this weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I can finally breathe without the stress of a decision I couldn't make til just now. It is always hard to watch someone that you love leave your sights for the last time. And this time, it is the last time. Something was different yesterday; the air, the mood. It all seemed... clear. There wasn't this fog blurring my vision. He could tell too. He knew that this time, I wasn't bluffing, and that the things that I was saying were true, and there was no going back to the way things were after this conversation.

Where do I see things? I am not sure. I know now that I can focus on the things that should be more important to me anyway, and maybe now I will be able to focus. I see a new start, which I have been granted before and it is always a welcome and yet unsettling feeling. As far as he and I are concerned, I don't see a reconciliation anytime, but God works in mysterious ways!"....