Dear Sister,
There are many things that could be said. Many things that have been said or never would have been.... and I am truly lost at where to actually begin! So I suppose the best place to start is at the beginning.
When you were born I was excited to finally have a baby sister. I would have someone to play with, to dance and sing with, to gossip about boyfriends with. But what I got was something that looked very different. And I have been fighting with the shattered image of that for my entire life. You weren't the person I could go to when I scraped my knee, or the one who would comfort me when there was a fight in the house. You were usually the one that caused them. You didn't braid my hair, but pulled it. We have never been sisters, and I always blamed you for it. I have never once taken responsibility for the fact that we have never bonded.... that I never created a space for a common ground to form. You hated me for being the "Golden Child" and I was disgusted by you for making me the "Forgotten One".
I see the state of your life right now and have felt this sense of pride that I am the only one in the entire family who hasn't contributed to the downward spiral you are on. That because I wasn't giving you the attention you so desperately wanted I was somehow outside of it. But what I refused to see was that I was likely the one person who could step in and make the difference in your life you have been screaming, crying and fighting for. I have blamed it on your unwillingness to WANT to change, and I held you small. I believed so little in you, and was mad that you now have children who are suffering because of your chaos.
I wanted to take a few minutes to get really honest with you. Enough is enough.
I don't think I have ever told you "I love you"... and if I have, I don't think I have meant it. I may have put up some contrived effort to be sincere or appear to be trying. I was mad at the havoc you reek on our family, the stress you cause and the hurt that results from your rage. I have stepped in from time to time when you crossed a line so disrespectfully that I couldn't contain it anymore. I have taken a stand for Mom and other members who I thought I needed to defend. But I have never once taken a stand for you..
Maybe I didn't think you deserved it, but what has become clear to me is that if I don't then it is possible that no one else will. And at minimum, your children deserve it. Living a life of pandemonium and angst is not healthy, and you can choose to stop it at any time. Running away from your life following "dreams" that you don't actually have is not only irresponsible but doesn't solve anything. You sent me a message saying you thought I would be happy that you are 'leaving California, but that dreams change'. I cannot tell you how wrong you are.
I wasn't happy that you came to Cali, but not because of me. I knew you were running, and that this effort to find a new life would be frivolous because it is impossible to run away from yourself. And now you are carting your children to Boston creating even more instability and confusion for them. The struggle you feel is within you, and won' t stop until you deal with it. Your dreams don't change if they are true, genuine and authentic to you. When I say you are wrong, I am not making you wrong, just trying to tell you that there is another option. There is a possibility for you to find out who you really are, who and where you really want to be, and the type of world that you are capable of creating for you and your children. When you clean out all of the stories you have made up about yourself, break down all of the walls you have built up and get really honest... an original dream will emerge. A clear vision of your life will present itself to you so effortlessly that you will wonder how you fought for so long. You will find that you have a vision that no one can stop you from creating and become a person so true that no one dares try to tamper with it. And I want nothing more than that for you.
I am writing this because for the first time in your entire life I took the time to see the masterpiece that you are. I took a step back and saw that by avoiding the "problem" our relationship has been, I have actually perpetuated it. So as of today, that has ended. I am here to support you in any way I can. I will not be giving you money, or listening to sob stories about how terrible your life is. But I will always be here to show you all of the alternate possibilities your life has to offer you around every corner, and help you find the strength to simply go get them. You are a powerful woman, but you get to find a way to use your power for good and to create, not destroy. You get to be the type of woman that needs nothing because she realizes that she has had it inside of herself all the time. Every tool that you need has already been given to you.
I know this may be sudden. It may come across like a big fat joke, or you may think I am full of shit. Or perhaps those are just the conversations I have had in my head that have stopped me from doing this sooner. But I hope you can see little glimmers of the hope and truth this letter holds. I have come to realize that tomorrow is not promised to us, and I would never want to leave our relationship or your life in the state that it currently lives. And if I left this Earth tomorrow, I would feel my purpose was not completed. I vow to help you mend the bridge between you and your AUTHENTIC self, that will give you the courage to create the solid connections with people your heart truly yearns for.
I do love you, and I look forward to standing with you and for you on your new journey.
Your sister,
Jessica
There are many things that could be said. Many things that have been said or never would have been.... and I am truly lost at where to actually begin! So I suppose the best place to start is at the beginning.
When you were born I was excited to finally have a baby sister. I would have someone to play with, to dance and sing with, to gossip about boyfriends with. But what I got was something that looked very different. And I have been fighting with the shattered image of that for my entire life. You weren't the person I could go to when I scraped my knee, or the one who would comfort me when there was a fight in the house. You were usually the one that caused them. You didn't braid my hair, but pulled it. We have never been sisters, and I always blamed you for it. I have never once taken responsibility for the fact that we have never bonded.... that I never created a space for a common ground to form. You hated me for being the "Golden Child" and I was disgusted by you for making me the "Forgotten One".
I see the state of your life right now and have felt this sense of pride that I am the only one in the entire family who hasn't contributed to the downward spiral you are on. That because I wasn't giving you the attention you so desperately wanted I was somehow outside of it. But what I refused to see was that I was likely the one person who could step in and make the difference in your life you have been screaming, crying and fighting for. I have blamed it on your unwillingness to WANT to change, and I held you small. I believed so little in you, and was mad that you now have children who are suffering because of your chaos.
I wanted to take a few minutes to get really honest with you. Enough is enough.
I don't think I have ever told you "I love you"... and if I have, I don't think I have meant it. I may have put up some contrived effort to be sincere or appear to be trying. I was mad at the havoc you reek on our family, the stress you cause and the hurt that results from your rage. I have stepped in from time to time when you crossed a line so disrespectfully that I couldn't contain it anymore. I have taken a stand for Mom and other members who I thought I needed to defend. But I have never once taken a stand for you..
Maybe I didn't think you deserved it, but what has become clear to me is that if I don't then it is possible that no one else will. And at minimum, your children deserve it. Living a life of pandemonium and angst is not healthy, and you can choose to stop it at any time. Running away from your life following "dreams" that you don't actually have is not only irresponsible but doesn't solve anything. You sent me a message saying you thought I would be happy that you are 'leaving California, but that dreams change'. I cannot tell you how wrong you are.
I wasn't happy that you came to Cali, but not because of me. I knew you were running, and that this effort to find a new life would be frivolous because it is impossible to run away from yourself. And now you are carting your children to Boston creating even more instability and confusion for them. The struggle you feel is within you, and won' t stop until you deal with it. Your dreams don't change if they are true, genuine and authentic to you. When I say you are wrong, I am not making you wrong, just trying to tell you that there is another option. There is a possibility for you to find out who you really are, who and where you really want to be, and the type of world that you are capable of creating for you and your children. When you clean out all of the stories you have made up about yourself, break down all of the walls you have built up and get really honest... an original dream will emerge. A clear vision of your life will present itself to you so effortlessly that you will wonder how you fought for so long. You will find that you have a vision that no one can stop you from creating and become a person so true that no one dares try to tamper with it. And I want nothing more than that for you.
I am writing this because for the first time in your entire life I took the time to see the masterpiece that you are. I took a step back and saw that by avoiding the "problem" our relationship has been, I have actually perpetuated it. So as of today, that has ended. I am here to support you in any way I can. I will not be giving you money, or listening to sob stories about how terrible your life is. But I will always be here to show you all of the alternate possibilities your life has to offer you around every corner, and help you find the strength to simply go get them. You are a powerful woman, but you get to find a way to use your power for good and to create, not destroy. You get to be the type of woman that needs nothing because she realizes that she has had it inside of herself all the time. Every tool that you need has already been given to you.
I know this may be sudden. It may come across like a big fat joke, or you may think I am full of shit. Or perhaps those are just the conversations I have had in my head that have stopped me from doing this sooner. But I hope you can see little glimmers of the hope and truth this letter holds. I have come to realize that tomorrow is not promised to us, and I would never want to leave our relationship or your life in the state that it currently lives. And if I left this Earth tomorrow, I would feel my purpose was not completed. I vow to help you mend the bridge between you and your AUTHENTIC self, that will give you the courage to create the solid connections with people your heart truly yearns for.
I do love you, and I look forward to standing with you and for you on your new journey.
Your sister,
Jessica
