Behind the Cover: Fool In Love- Rihanna

                        

Fool In Love- by Rihanna

When I first heard this song, I was moved, to say the least. There was something about the song that hit me in a place much deeper than I expected from a "silly pop" song. I shared it with several friends of mine, and although their reactions may not have all been as deep as mine was, there was a unanimous agreement that that song was phenomenal. And I will say that it brought more than one of them to tears, me included. 

Since it is the bonus track, on the deluxe edition of her album, you can't find it anywhere online, UNLESS you buy it, and they have yet to release it as a single. With the growing respect I had for the song, and the vocal that Rihanna lays down on it, I was scared to cover it, but I thought, there is no way that I can't share this. The song  tells such a common story of not living up to the expectations set for us, and the communion we must come into about either fighting it, or accepting it. I have fought this battle every day of my life, for as long as I can remember. But I will get back to that!

When I actually decided to cover the song, my life was in a much different place, with very different people around me. I had everyone on board that I needed to make this happen, and one day when I got home, I felt moved by it, and made a video (totally out of order, I KNOW!) Sparing you all the stressful or gory details, what I thought was going to be a simple little cover project hit some SERIOUS speed bumps... so much so that I thought I was going to have to shelve it all together and forget about it entirely. But after some time passed and dust settled, I stumbled upon the video that I made... and was again, impacted. I thought, I only have two choices:

1. I make one last stitch effort to complete this

or

2. I move on from it completely.

I chose the former. And I am so glad that I did. I reached out to some familiar and not so familiar people and somehow, we made it happen. And not only is it finally finished, it is even better than I could have even imagined. I am actually proud of the product, but I am even prouder of myself. I overcame some HUGE mountains to do what I needed to do, which was sing the shit out of it. Sounds easy, right?? 

Well, now we get back to my battles with being perfect. One day in the beginning stages of this project, my friend Solomon and I are sitting in my apartment trying to figure out how to re-make the track from scratch (speed bump #1) and he asks me to sing it. I FREEZE. I mean, I realized that truly, other than the video, which was practically done, singing was literally my only job... and I couldn't do it. I proceed to have a full on break down in my kitchen like a 5 year old. Then I realized something miraculous...

Sol said to me, "Why are you trying to be perfect, Jess?! Fuck up... I WANT you to fuck up!" But I couldn't. I had spent my entire life trying to be this idea I have of perfect that I thought I needed to be to please everyone, but more specifically my family, and most specifically my Dad! I am not going to sit here and make him out to be a bad guy, because that is completely false. Yes, we have had our fair share of problems, but I can reflect back on what I am about to tell you, knowing NOW how much it affected me, and how the amount of respect that I have for him, magnified my reaction to it. 

When I was 15 years old, and just getting through the first year of my blossoming modeling career, my Dad, who was a singer/songwriter/musician his entire life before children, said to me, "You are not the best singer, you are not the best dancer and there are millions of other girls out there who are more beautiful and more talented than you, and they never make it."

In one sentence my entire life crashed down around me. Every hope and dream was weighted. Every wish left unfulfilled. From that point forward, ever insecurity I felt was larger and every accomplishment should have been greater. There was no point in which I ever saw myself and what I was doing, and was happy enough with it to be completely proud of it. In hindsight, and with over 10 years to reflect on that sentence, and sit with it, I know what he was trying to say. I understand the point he was trying to make, but at 15 I didn't grasp it. All I heard was that my Daddy didn't believe in me. And since he was a singer, it was the thing that stuck with me the most.

Fast forward to my kitchen, and me in the fetal position crying like a baby... I was able to look up and realize for the first time in a decade and see the monster I had been subconsciously battling with. Put THAT fear into a recording studio.... HOLY SHIT! Sweating, shaking, and on the verge of an anxiety attack. However, with a helpful hand and boost of confidence, I was able to get it out. It's not perfect, but it is real, and I cannot believe that I was able to look that beast in the face and fight back. 

As my life and career have progressed and my Dad has expressed more and more concern with my choices and disapproval of them, it intensified my reaction to the song and how deeply I felt a connection to it. SO when you listen to this song, and you watch the video, you need to know that when I fight tears and fail, it isn't about a boy... it is about my Dad.

"Papa, did I let you down? Are you ashamed of how your little girl turned out?"

So, yes, originally I wanted to do this song to prove to my Dad that I could do everything he told me that I couldn't, but I actually ended up proving it to myself. Which is really more important anyway. I know my Dad loves me and only wants what he believes is best for me, and he can't be slighted for that. Having a child of my own has made me understand this more than ever. We never want to see out children hurt, especially by the same things that may have hurt us. And he's not wrong... I am not the best singer, or dancer, best looking or most talented... there ARE millions of other people out there, around every corner, that may have me beat on almost every level, but not a single one of them has what I have to offer. And I am willing to bet not one of them can match my work ethic, driver and fight for what I want. And as crushed as my Dad's statement may have made me feel at times, it is also part of the reason I am so motivated. 

So now, I take the same sentence that has made me feel so defeated for so long and say, "BRING IT ON!" because like the song says.

"I'm willing to look so stupid til I've had enough."

and I promise that day isn't coming anytime soon!

And I love you, Dad!

This link doesn't work anymore either! It had to be right! See newest... sorry!

                        

Fool In Love- by Rihanna

When I first heard this song, I was moved, to say the least. There was something about the song that hit me in a place much deeper than I expected from a "silly pop" song. I shared it with several friends of mine, and although their reactions may not have all been as deep as mine was, there was a unanimous agreement that that song was phenomenal. And I will say that it brought more than one of them to tears, me included. 

Since it is the bonus track, on the deluxe edition of her album, you can't find it anywhere online, UNLESS you buy it, and they have yet to release it as a single. With the growing respect I had for the song, and the vocal that Rihanna lays down on it, I was scared to cover it, but I thought, there is no way that I can't share this. The song  tells such a common story of not living up to the expectations set for us, and the communion we must come into about either fighting it, or accepting it. I have fought this battle every day of my life, for as long as I can remember. But I will get back to that!

When I actually decided to cover the song, my life was in a much different place, with very different people around me. I had everyone on board that I needed to make this happen, and one day when I got home, I felt moved by it, and made a video (totally out of order, I KNOW!) Sparing you all the stressful or gory details, what I thought was going to be a simple little cover project hit some SERIOUS speed bumps... so much so that I thought I was going to have to shelve it all together and forget about it entirely. But after some time passed and dust settled, I stumbled upon the video that I made... and was again, impacted. I thought, I only have two choices:

1. I make one last stitch effort to complete this

or

2. I move on from it completely.

I chose the former. And I am so glad that I did. I reached out to some familiar and not so familiar people and somehow, we made it happen. And not only is it finally finished, it is even better than I could have even imagined. I am actually proud of the product, but I am even prouder of myself. I overcame some HUGE mountains to do what I needed to do, which was sing the shit out of it. Sounds easy, right?? 

Well, now we get back to my battles with being perfect. One day in the beginning stages of this project, my friend Solomon and I are sitting in my apartment trying to figure out how to re-make the track from scratch (speed bump #1) and he asks me to sing it. I FREEZE. I mean, I realized that truly, other than the video, which was practically done, singing was literally my only job... and I couldn't do it. I proceed to have a full on break down in my kitchen like a 5 year old. Then I realized something miraculous...

Sol said to me, "Why are you trying to be perfect, Jess?! Fuck up... I WANT you to fuck up!" But I couldn't. I had spent my entire life trying to be this idea I have of perfect that I thought I needed to be to please everyone, but more specifically my family, and most specifically my Dad! I am not going to sit here and make him out to be a bad guy, because that is completely false. Yes, we have had our fair share of problems, but I can reflect back on what I am about to tell you, knowing NOW how much it affected me, and how the amount of respect that I have for him, magnified my reaction to it. 

When I was 15 years old, and just getting through the first year of my blossoming modeling career, my Dad, who was a singer/songwriter/musician his entire life before children, said to me, "You are not the best singer, you are not the best dancer and there are millions of other girls out there who are more beautiful and more talented than you, and they never make it."

In one sentence my entire life crashed down around me. Every hope and dream was weighted. Every wish left unfulfilled. From that point forward, ever insecurity I felt was larger and every accomplishment should have been greater. There was no point in which I ever saw myself and what I was doing, and was happy enough with it to be completely proud of it. In hindsight, and with over 10 years to reflect on that sentence, and sit with it, I know what he was trying to say. I understand the point he was trying to make, but at 15 I didn't grasp it. All I heard was that my Daddy didn't believe in me. And since he was a singer, it was the thing that stuck with me the most.

Fast forward to my kitchen, and me in the fetal position crying like a baby... I was able to look up and realize for the first time in a decade and see the monster I had been subconsciously battling with. Put THAT fear into a recording studio.... HOLY SHIT! Sweating, shaking, and on the verge of an anxiety attack. However, with a helpful hand and boost of confidence, I was able to get it out. It's not perfect, but it is real, and I cannot believe that I was able to look that beast in the face and fight back. 

 As my life and career have progressed and my Dad has expressed more and more concern with my choices and his disapproval of them, it intensified my reaction to this song and how deeply I felt a connection to it. SO when you listen to this song, and you watch the video, you need to know that when I fight tears and fail, it isn't about a boy.... it is about my Dad. 

"Papa, did I let you down? Are you ashamed of how your little girl turned out?"

So, yes, originally I wanted to do this song to prove to my Dad that I could do everything he told me that I couldn't, but I actually ended up proving it to myself. Which is really much more important anyway. I know my Dad loves me and only wants what he believes is best for me, and he can't be slighted for that. Having a child of my own has made me understand this more than ever. We never want to see our children hurt, especially by the same things that may have hurt us. And he's not wrong... I am not the best singer, or dancer, best looking, or most talented... There ARE millions of other people out there, around every corner that might have me beat on almost every level, but not a single one of them has what I have to offer. And I am willing to bet not one of them can match my work ethic, drive, and fight for what I want. And as crushed as my Dad's statement may have made me feel at times, it is also part of the reason I am so motivated.

So now, I take that same sentence that has made me feel so defeated for so long and say, "BRING IT ON!" because like the song says,

 "I'm willing to look so stupid til I've had enough"

 and I promise that day isn't coming anytime soon! 


And I love you, Dad!

The link on this one does not work! :(

Fool In Love- by Rihanna

When I first heard this song, I was moved, to say the least. There was something about the song that hit me in a place much deeper than I expected from a "silly pop" song. I shared it with several friends of mine, and although their reactions may not have all been as deep as mine was, there was a unanimous agreement that that song was phenomenal. And I will say that it brought more than one of them to tears, me included. 

Since it is the bonus track, on the deluxe edition of her album, you can't find it anywhere online, UNLESS you buy it, and they have yet to release it as a single. With the growing respect I had for the song, and the vocal that Rihanna lays down on it, I was scared to cover it, but I thought, there is no way that I can't share this. The song  tells such a common story of not living up to the expectations set for us, and the communion we must come into about either fighting it, or accepting it. I have fought this battle every day of my life, for as long as I can remember. But I will get back to that!

When I actually decided to cover the song, my life was in a much different place, with very different people around me. I had everyone on board that I needed to make this happen, and one day when I got home, I felt moved by it, and made a video (totally out of order, I KNOW!) Sparing you all the stressful or gory details, what I thought was going to be a simple little cover project hit some SERIOUS speed bumps... so much so that I thought I was going to have to shelve it all together and forget about it entirely. But after some time passed and dust settled, I stumbled upon the video that I made... and was again, impacted. I thought, I only have two choices:

1. I make one last stitch effort to complete this

or

2. I move on from it completely.

I chose the former. And I am so glad that I did. I reached out to some familiar and not so familiar people and somehow, we made it happen. And not only is it finally finished, it is even better than I could have even imagined. I am actually proud of the product, but I am even prouder of myself. I overcame some HUGE mountains to do what I needed to do, which was sing the shit out of it. Sounds easy, right?? 

Well, now we get back to my battles with being perfect. One day in the beginning stages of this project, my friend Solomon and I are sitting in my apartment trying to figure out how to re-make the track from scratch (speed bump #1) and he asks me to sing it. I FREEZE. I mean, I realized that truly, other than the video, which was practically done, singing was literally my only job... and I couldn't do it. I proceed to have a full on break down in my kitchen like a 5 year old. Then I realized something miraculous...

Sol said to me, "Why are you trying to be perfect, Jess?! Fuck up... I WANT you to fuck up!" But I couldn't. I had spent my entire life trying to be this idea I have of perfect that I thought I needed to be to please everyone, but more specifically my family, and most specifically my Dad! I am not going to sit here and make him out to be a bad guy, because that is completely false. Yes, we have had our fair share of problems, but I can reflect back on what I am about to tell you, knowing NOW how much it affected me, and how the amount of respect that I have for him, magnified my reaction to it. 

When I was 15 years old, and just getting through the first year of my blossoming modeling career, my Dad, who was a singer/songwriter/musician his entire life before children, said to me, "You are not the best singer, you are not the best dancer and there are millions of other girls out there who are more beautiful and more talented than you, and they never make it."

In one sentence my entire life crashed down around me. Every hope and dream was weighted. Every wish left unfulfilled. From that point forward, ever insecurity I felt was larger and every accomplishment should have been greater. There was no point in which I ever saw myself and what I was doing, and was happy enough with it to be completely proud of it. In hindsight, and with over 10 years to reflect on that sentence, and sit with it, I know what he was trying to say. I understand the point he was trying to make, but at 15 I didn't grasp it. All I heard was that my Daddy didn't believe in me. And since he was a singer, it was the thing that stuck with me the most.

Fast forward to my kitchen, and me in the fetal position crying like a baby... I was able to look up and realize for the first time in a decade and see the monster I had been subconsciously battling with. Put THAT fear into a recording studio.... HOLY SHIT! Sweating, shaking, and on the verge of an anxiety attack. However, with a helpful hand and boost of confidence, I was able to get it out. It wasn't perfect, but it was real, and I cannot believe that I was able to look that beast in the face and fight back. 

 As my life and career have progressed and my Dad has expressed more and more concern with my choices and his disapproval of them, it intensified my reaction to this song and how deeply I felt a connection to it. SO when you listen to this song, and you watch the video, you need to know that when I fight tears and fail, it isn't about a boy.... it is about my Dad. 

"Papa, did I let you down? Are you ashamed of how your little girl turned out?"

So, yes, originally I wanted to do this song to prove to my Dad that I could do everything he told me that I couldn't, but I actually ended up proving it to myself. Which is really much more important anyway. I know my Dad loves me and only wants what he believes is best for me, and he can't be slighted for that. Having a child of my own has made me understand this more than ever. We never want to see our children hurt, especially by the same things that may have hurt us. And he's not wrong... I am not the best singer, or dancer, best looking, or most talented... There ARE millions of other people out there, around every corner that might have me beat on almost every level, but not a single one of them has what I have to offer. And I am willing to bet not one of them can match my work ethic, drive, and fight for what I want. 

So now, I take that same sentence that has made me feel so defeated for so long and say, "BRING IT ON!" because like the song says,

 "I'm willing to look so stupid til I've had enough"

 and I promise that day isn't coming anytime soon! 

Sugar Free Zucchini Bread

Howdy there! So I am on this new adventure to find sugar free recipes that are delicious and easy to make. The reason: My son has ADHD and I am trying to keep him off of meds, and starting with a sugar free and balanced diet! :)

It has been an interesting ride, and there are more recipes to come, but there was a special request for this one, so here it is!! 

**(I will start with the original recipe, and then make notes to what I substituted in and out!)

Ingredients:

3 eggs

3/4 cup oil

1 cup honey

1 tsp vanilla extract

3 cups peeled and grated zucchini

1tsp salt

1/4 tsp baking powder

3 cups flour

1 tbsp cinnamon

1 1/2 tsp baking powder

1/2 cup nuts (chopped)

Now, honey is NOT sugar free, and although agave nectar is a good sub, I am still trying to stay as far away from most sugar as I can for the time being. SO... I subbed in 3/4 cup of Sugar Free Maple Syrup and 1/4 cup of unsweetened Applesauce. 

If there is a nut allergy I think chopped apple or raisins would be awesome in it. 

I also think, after tasting it that butter or a butter alternative (either in the batter or afterwards) makes it a little more rich. But the bread is moist and tasty. Crusty outside and moist inside... perfect!!

Instructions:

Preheat oven to 300 degrees.

Beat eggs, then add oil, **honey or sub, and vanilla. Mix all dry ingredients and stir into wet mix. Spray baking pan with non-stick spray and place in oven for 45-55 min or until golden brown. Test with a toothpick. 

Once pulled out of the oven, I poked a few holes in the tops and glazed with a simple mix of **sugar substitute (splenda, stevia... etc) with warm water and a dash of the sugar free maple syrup. The glaze should be sticky and gooey but not thick. 

Really tasty... and my kiddo loves it. DUH!!! Win for Mommy!!! 

Hope everyone loves this, and if you try it and have any suggestions, or other things that you try that make it even better, PLEASE lemme know!!! 

Thanks guys, and enjoy!!

Don't Judge Me... even if I do wrong.

There is not a person on this Earth that can say they are free from ever judging someone else. We do it on a daily, likely hourly, basis. 

"Oh, she is way too fat to be wearing that."

"Look at that homeless guy... he is probably a drug addict."

"That child is so misbehaved, their parents need to step it up."

On a much larger scale:

"That man murdered innocent people... he is insane."

"The crime rate in that area is terrible, so it must be full of thugs."

He's a...

She's a....

They are....

But when was the last time you turned the microscope on yourself??

When was the last time you wondered what other people thought of you?

When was the last time you questioned...

I AM _____?

I recently started acting classes with one of the most amazing women I have ever met, Diana Castle. She not only reached me on a professional level, but eve on the first night, she changed me and my personal self forever. 

One of the things that Diana talks about the most, and I won't give away too much cause you should pay her to tell you, is the "I AM"!

This is my "JOB" as an actor... to "be" another person and be able to see the world through their eyes and be affected by their influences. I have to be willing to let go of MY ideas of life and my personal opinions and beliefs and let myself enter an alternative life.... completely.

I have learned that there is a victim and a victimizer in all of us; it's just the level at which we allow ourselves to be the victim or the extent that we are willing to victimize someone else that seems to separate how we view the severity. And based on the severity, we place ourselves on the same scale and determine whether or not we think we are better than another person. 

Now what does that have to do with my personal life? Everything. Learning to become more empathetic as an actor, has had the same effect on me personally. The deeper I grow in my craft, the more I feel broadened as a person. It has helped me heal a few wounds that I knew needed resolution, and brought up a few that I thought were moved on from!

I will explain....

In class we are given "stories" to work on. I think we call them stories because calling them 'scripts' brings attention to the words. We aren't trying to recite lines... we are trying to relive lives.

There are these two very talented young ladies working on an intense play, a piece called 'Ruined' by Lynn Nottage. It was written to raise awareness to a real world problems in countries like Africa, and won a Pulitzer Prize in 2009.

(http://www.almeida.co.uk/Downloads/development/resources/RuinedResourcePack.pdf)

^^The breakdown of the play for your own viewing pleasure.... there are pictures!! **

It is written from the perspective of the women in the Congo while they were abducted, imprisoned, and brutally raped and terrorized by the soldiers during the war. Many of them were torn away from their homes, and families and thrown into a world where "rape was used as a weapon", and "their bodies became the battlefield." This left most of the women ostracized for being 'tainted' and many of them were so scarred they were no longer able to have children. She also talks in the Preface about how many of the boys/men who were oppressing these women, were also victims of war, violence, terror and even rape, leaving some of them so damaged that they would never be able to recover from the mental trauma they received prior to the terror they would go on to cause. 

THIS is when MY breakdown, and then immediate revelation happened!!

Sparing you the details, I was raped my junior year of high school. I was 17 years old... and here we are 10 years later. I can openly talk about it, if asked, and even feel the urge TO share my story in an attempt to help others cope with something similar, or to have a better understanding of it. It doesn't haunt me anymore... I am no longer hurting or angry. I found peace with it, accepted it, and was able to successfully move forward from it.  When I heard the real life accounts of the tragedy happening in this world, which we all know exists but choose to ignore, it unearthed so many emotions that I almost lost it in the middle of class. 

I immediately felt so grateful. I had been raped but was still able to have a child. I could  never even fathom the possibility of the other alternative. To not have my son in my life would be the most devastating thing I could ever imagine going through. Just the thought of it now is making me have to choke back tears. But that is to be expected... that child is my life. 

The thing I didn't expect was what came next... pity. In hearing what the men went through prior to becoming mortal terrorists, suddenly I felt bad for the guy that took advantage of me. I saw it from a completely different perspective, and it was as if I was magically calmed from the inside. This strange sense of peace came over me and I wept... for him. 

I don't believe that he went through anything remotely comparable to the men she was describing to me, and it in no way justifies it, but with my new 'empathetic' outlook, I had a better understanding. I had answers to questions that had previously been left blank. And although I also know that what I experienced paled in comparison to those women as well, I felt closure about it for the first time in a decade. 

I realized that though I had recovered from the events that took place that night, it was like I had broken a bone, and it had healed, but wasn't set properly. This moment was not a breakdown, but a necessary breaking of bone so that I could reset it and have it heal correctly. 

I won't get on a high horse, but I count my blessings daily. This time in my life has been the most liberating experience, and I try not to take one minute for granted. I am doing things I never thought that I could ever do. I have been able to change the thought from:

I can't... to...

I could... to... 

I should... to...

I DID!!

I have fought with this constant fear of never being good enough. I have worried day in, and day out what people thought of me and the things that I was making or creating. I didn't realize until recently how debilitating it has been to me. It has truly held me back in more ways than I am probably even aware of. But in the becoming aware of it, I was able to stop the chain, and in the healing, I have begun to accept the fact that I will never be able to make everyone happy. I will never be able to please everyone's taste. In fact, it is possible that I might not be able to do it for even ONE person. So knowing that, I should just focus on making myself happy, and creating honest work that I believe in. If I can do that, then releasing it into the world won't be a fearful event, but a joyous one. And while others are deciding whether they love or hate it.... I am going to go on creating. (thanks Andy Warhol)

If you are an actor, friend or otherwise, and are looking to grow.... please check out Diana and what she is doing at the Imagined Life Theater. Even if you aren't in the LA area or are attending somewhere else, her lectures can be purchased on the site, and on CD. They will help you grow and be more than you ever thought possible. I know... I am blessed enough to be able to experience it every week. 

http://www.theimaginedlife.com/