Something happened tonight... and when it happened I felt like my entire world came crashing down around me. About this time of night I usually write in my journal, but I decided that I would share this with you guys instead. I don't know, maybe just to vent, or maybe because I am hoping that there are some of you who relate and maybe we can help each other find some resolution.
As many of you know, I am from Dallas, TX and have lived there my whole life. All of my family is there and everything I have ever known resides there as well. I have had the pleasure of traveling quite a bit, but have never called another place home. Until NOW. I moved to Los Angeles, CA almost 3 months ago to follow my dreams and ultimately make a better life for me and my son, but that required making the ultimate sacrifice. I had to do what was best for Tyler and leave him in Dallas with everyone and everything he knows and loves, and loves him back. It is the right thing to do, but it has been torture.
I have only been able to see him once since I moved. I went back home for his birthday, per his request, but financially haven't had the resources to make it back again. I try to talk to him almost everyday, or as often as I can, Skype when he is available, and keep in close contact so he doesn't feel like I am so far away. It is still hard though. There are so many things that I am missing, and can't be there for. And even though I have been called selfish, and told that I made the wrong decision moving out here and leaving my child, I genuinely feel like it is going to make it possible to provide a better life for him in the long run. And I believe that with all my heart. How could I ever tell him to follow his dreams and do everything he ever wanted if I hadn't done the same thing. I am his Mom... I HAVE to lead by example... it's my job.
So tonight, my phone rang, and it was my ex husband, which is not a call I usually look forward to, but this was especially late for him to be calling. So I answered, and he tells me that Ty has an ear infection and asked him to call me so that he could tell me what was wrong. Ty got on the phone and sounded completely pitiful. He told me that his ear was killing him. I asked him if he had taken any medicine, and as he went to answer he hiccuped and it made his ear pop which sent him into a frenzy. He started bawling and screaming, "I want my Mommy. Tell her to come get me so I can feel better. It hurts so bad. Please Mommy. I need you. Come get me!" Every ounce of air left my lungs, I was immediately paralyzed and my heart completely stopped. I have never felt so helpless.
EVER!
It honestly makes me feel like the worst parent in the world. I know deep down in my heart that I am doing the right thing, and that in the LONG RUN things will work out the way that they are supposed to and I will be able to give him such a better life that I was able to in Dallas. But I can't help but feel terrible. He was hurting, and crying for me, and I wasn't able to be there for him. How do you explain that to a 6 year old? How do you make them understand something like that?
The only thing I can think to do, is use moments like these at motivation. Make sure that this is as temporary of a problem as possible, and change my life and his life sooner, rather than later. I need to make sure that he sees that there are moments when things are hard, but struggling through them makes the sweet moments sweeter and the prize at the end mean just that much more. I refuse to fail... it is not an option.
MOMMY
LOVES
TYLER!
