A picture is worth a thousand words!

  I think the picture says all I need to! I am going to go on a rant before I go on my run this morning to let out some pent up anger!

  First of all, I hate going to bed angry cause I just wake up even more mad! That obviously happened. But I refuse to let it ruin my entire day like it did yesterday, so to prefice this... I am not going to name any names, but I can say this with 100% certainty, I don't give a damn if they know who they are either!

  I don't know who the hell you think you are putting your damn nose where it doesn't belong... in MY business.  And beyond that, you know NOTHING about what you THINK you are making a comment about. Then you want to judge me?!?!?!? I worked with you, and work with people you know.  We aren't close friends, we don't hang out, and you want to come in and act like you are better than me, and make statements about me to people I know "behind my back" in front of me? For real!?!?! Grow the hell up. In the big scheme of my life you are merely a pebble on the road of people I am going to leave behind, and I can assure you that my anger last night that carried over to this morning, and THIS rant is the most attention you will ever get from me. There are a handful of people that this is directed towards and I don't give 2 shits in the wind if they know it.

  None of you are going anywhere, or doing anything with your lives. You are stuck in a world  of mediocrity not because you have settled for a life that you are happy with, but purely because you aren't worth more than that. And no amount of laughs, and drinking are going to wash away the fact that a year from now, 5 years from now, you are still going to be doing the same damn thing, with the same damn people claiming you are happy in your dead end life, and continue to hate on me for making something of myself and leaving negative baggage like you in the dust!

  When it comes to my personal life, it is very personal, and there is no way in hell that you could possibly have enough information to pass a geralized judgement on me. And you know what? Think what you want... I don't care. I am not going to sit here and justify my actions or on goings day-to-day to people who don't even deserve the time I am spending to type this! I am through with this false sense of knowing people. Surface friends aren't friends, and you are not worth being in my life or even being associated with me. I know who I am, what I have done, and what I will do, and I know with all certainty I will NEVER see you at the top. So, I hope you see this, and know it is for you, and find it in your heart to one day thank me for wasting this time on you.

                                                    YOU'RE FUCKING WELCOME!

I hate being annoyed! Wait...I'm not anymore!

This picture is a pretty adequate description of how I feel today! Who wouldn't want to have Melon Peel helmet on their head? And the color... impeccable. It will go with everything! But his face... ANNOYED! I don't know. I think it is part mental exhaustion, and part confusion! There is sooo much floating around in my head right now, and I am not sure that I am handling it well. I mean, my handling things poorly is still handling them well compared to most, so I guess there is no right to complain but sheesh!

I got off work late last night for a shift that I picked up for a friend and co-worker. Turned out to be more then worth it cause I made some much needed money that I didn't have before! But at the same time it was taking away from a night I needed to catch up on some things... like editing videos! I know everyone is waiting for the 3rd installment of the Fit Vlog with baited breath! ;) And there are a plethera of other things that need to be taken care of:
yard work, finishing cleaning, laundry, and making sure everything is ready for my trip to LA as well as the 4 more shoots I have before I leave in 2 weeks! And in all that I need to try to work out and fix this hernia.
Most are really good things, but there is still an element of annoyance that I never seem to be able to get anything done. Of course, I am getting a lot done, but to me it doesnt feel like it.

So as most of my days do, I start out annoyed, and by the end of it... I feel great! I am in a good mood, not nearly annoyed as I should be, and pretty much feeling good!

I woke up, tried to get some yard work done, when I realize that the belt for the power steering is out. Awesome! I get the front yard done and part of the back and have to stop to go get a body wrap done!

There is something miraculous about doing things that are good for you that just have the ability to immediately remove some of the stress from your mind. It is incredible. Things that you were pissed about before, suddenly you can't remember why you were pissed in the 1st place. My theory is that stress is toxic, and produces itself as toxins and nastiness crumming up your body so, when you do a hot power yoga and sweat, or you go into a steam room after a good workout, or you ride a bike out in the fresh air, get a body wrap done.... all of these things cause you to detox, and all of them are natural without any pills or vitamins.  I love to cleanse and detox, so I am in NO WAY bashing a natural herbal cleanse or detox program. I think they are extraordinarily helpful in making sure everything works properly (and I think you know what I mean). *Chuckles to self*

Other added benefits to a body wrap are:
*Cleasnse body of toxins and impurities
*Treats unsightly Cellulite
*No pills or Shots
*Tightens and tones your body
*Conditions and softens skin
*Slimming and Contouring effect
*Rejuvinates and revitalizes
*Fantastic for Psoriasis
*Firms up sagging skin

And.... in addition to all of that, the average person loses between 5 and 15 inches all over in just one visit! This is obviously determined on how much you have to lose, but the results are undeniable and completely painless. Most places also offer other types of treatments to help with problem areas and more moderate concerns, like Dry Skin Brushing! Don't know what that is... well good, cause I am going to save it for another blog! ;)

The place that I went is called Body Wraps by Daphne, and it is located on the North Side of Dallas. I will add their information at the bottom, and they took amazing care of me! I found a coupon on Living Social, and she mentioned that they also do a Groupon. (Will look for a link and include with their info!)


Body Wraps by Daphne
2351 W Northwest Hwy Ste 1305
Dallas, Tx 75220
214-753-6149 
dapsmal@gmail.com
http://daphnebodywraps.webs.com/

So, if you are interested in detoxing yourself of all the sins you commit and poison you willingly put inside your body(and no judgment here cause the shit is fun), want to feel better and lose some inches in the meantime... BODY WRAPS are a good way to go. The results aren't permanent, but I will go into more in my next blog. I will also let you know my results as well, and how many inches I lost (w/pictures...eeek!), and I think you might be surprised! Please if you contact Daphne and decide to do a treatment, let her know that Jessica Lee sent you, and you saw it on her blog. Until then...

I am working on editing  the FitVlog, and will be starting to go into more detail about my diet, and the things that I am doing to ween the amazing results I have gotten, AND there are a bunch of new and exciting things coming up........... PUMPED TO TELL YOU!!!!

Have a great rest of the week guys!
J

I am my own doctor??

Can I heal myself???? THAT is my new question.... and I hope the answer is YES!

A few things that have happened today that I feel pretty good about, and am interested to see what happens with them...

1. I have a hernia. It sucks. At first it was just a little tender and didn't really hurt so I wasn't concerned... all that much. But as a precaution, I stopped working out. SUCKY! I had made a lot of really good progress and had some tremendous results, and then had to stop which threw me and my new routine completely for a loop! BUT, I met this lady who said that she HAD a hernia and she healed it herself, and had recommended it to others who claim that they were able to wein the same results from the simple use of ALOE! 100% pure aloe juice. I had never even thought of it. Here is a website that lists all of the benefits if you are interested...
http://www.misalud.com/aloejuice.html
of course, simply google-ing it works too and they all say the same thing! You will reap almost immediate hair, skin and nail benefits. Helps with detoxifying your system, and there are lots of digestive and stomach benefits as well. AND has been shown to help in the treatment of some fatal illnesses like cancer! SO, wither way, I think it is safe to say that it is beneficial for me to take it. Even if it just helps with my puny little nails, that will not stop peeling, and irritating the PISS out of me.


2.Cassy, my roomie, and Seester, is talking about going into the military. In most instances I would be hesitant, and wary of allowing someone to jump right into that, BUT for some reason I agree that this MAY be her best option. It is disciplined, and stable and would teach her a skill, and allow her to go back to school, and hopefully get her life back on track. It is the first super logical thing she has said to me about her future in a while. Scary, but logical. We will see how that turns out, but I thought it was interesting!


3. Today I had a Parent/Teacher conference with my ex at my son's school. I am always afraid of these things because I know exactly what is going to happen.... My ex will play this little innocent angel and appear to be the best person IN THE WORLD, and try to make me seem unstable and then I will get defensive and we will start pointing the finger at eachother, and pass the blame around like a hot potato. This poor teacher had to listen to us yell and bicker for like 45 min, and I honestly think we should have paid her for her time. So we accomplish nothing at this meeting and then proceed to get into the car so he can drop me back off and we start at is again....... yelling, cursing, and blaming one another... and then something miraculous happened! I yelled, "STOP!" really loud, and we did. And then we parked the truck and had an actual conversation. We actually resolved some things, and for the first time in a LONG time I think we are on the same page. It was weird.... and though I am going to do my best to maintain it, I am still going to take advantage of this window that I have and work as many things out as possible.

4. Giving myself a mani/pedi is simply JUST not the same, but I am going to do it cause mama is BROKE and needs her nails tended to! lol.... Talk to you guys soon!!!1
J

Today has been a hard day...

This is literally just going to be a rant, and have no actual form or flow to it at all. I apologize in advance, but I need to get some shit off my chest!

I thought I was grumpy yesterday, and it was Friday the 13th. But today I woke up and it was even worse....

Nothing has gone right this week, and that SUCKS! I have felt poopy, and have a hernia.... and been taken advantage of ALL week. I finally hit my breaking point. Sucks!!!!!!!! The thing with me is that I love to be surrounded by fun and laughter. I want everyone around me to be happy and successful and feel loved. The problem is that sometimes that puts me in a position to be completely screwed over. And of course I take it personally. Everything I do comes from the heart, so that is the place the hurt goes if it doesn't work out.

This seemed most apparent to me in my most recent relationship. I have really only had one in the last year and a half, and there really is NOT much I can say as to how you would classify this one. I can't even tell you exactly how long we were together.... hmmmmmmm.

Anyway, so there I am, single and not miserable, and in walks this guy who I have known for the better part of a year, and he is successful and driven and divorced with kids... he makes me laugh and he understands my situation and how much I work, and we just seemed to "fit".  There were so many people who were like, "Yes, this makes sense." POWER COUPLE is how we were described.  We crammed a year's worth of a relationship into the 1st month. Next thing I know, we are talking about the future and everything that entails, and how we envisioned life with each other.... and then 2 months later..... and I haven't talked to him since. Not one word. and it has been months.... and nothing.

I have to be honest, other than my marriage I have NEVER been THAT forgiving and THAT understanding, and sacrificed THAT much to try to make a relationship work. I did absolutely EVERYTHING that I could to make the most of it, and he didn't even have the decency to break up with me.  Such a slap in the face. BUT, there are some lessons to be learned here.................

                                      I just am not sure what they are and if I have learned them yet.

I want to be cynical about relationships, and say that they don't work for this, this, and this reason. I want to say "Fuck Guys!" and all their immaturity and indecisiveness. I am finally in this place where I feel secure with who I am, and who I want to be, where I want to go, and what I want to do.... and I have no one to share it with.

There is someone... this intangible person that I see in my dreams nightly. This one man who makes up every star in my sky.  I want to hold him... I want to kiss the back of his neck, right at the hairline, and lightly rest my head on the back of his head. I want to wake up to morning coffee and have lunch under an umbrella on a beach.  And as romantic and poetic and fantasy like this all sounds... he and I have done all of these things before.  I know what we had, and I know what I lost.  And I know it was my fault. SO........

I have started to believe that I have been hurt repeatedly to pay me back for the pain that I have also caused.

I think they call this karma.  I can only hope that I have done enough good since then to tilt the scales back into my favor, because I will see this man soon, and then... only then... will we know.

Until then I am doing the best I can to take advantage of every second of every day, and make the most of it. I WILL succeed this time, and failure is NOT an option. I will do what it takes, and nothing less. I will not let life, a man, or anyone or thing beat me down this time. I will not allow nay-sayers to creep into my head an place some false sense of doubt inside because deep down... I know better. I have been there, and I have seen it. I have felt it and tasted it, and I crave it once again...

                              

                              Happiness...

                                              Success...

                                                            Security....

                                                                            Peace!

And soon... It will be mine.

The Vliggity Vlog: Behind the Scenes on The Bite

This is what happens behind the scenes of the Bite shoots... and you thought film sets were supposed to be professional environments... Guess you will think twice about that! :)

My LoveSong

My first time at trying to attempt to sing a song AND do a music video for it! The message is clear.... the person it's for should be aware of it! I hope....

Fitness Vlog: Week 2 InSanity Claims Another Victim

Here is Week 2 of Fitness Vlog with InSanity!! God it sucks, but I frickin love it!

The Vliggity Vlog: When the "Rumor" Comes to Dallas

When our good friends in Rumor Mill come to town... a good time is always ready to happen!

Fitness Vlog: Jess gets "insane" with InSanity

Week 1 of the Fitness Vlog..... InSanity is InSane!!!!!

The Vliggity Vlog: Some Reasons I Love LA

LA and a few of the reasons why I love it sooooo much! Just might make me move there!

Jess' Fit Vlog: Disclaimer "I Don't Think I'm Fat!"

The 1st video in my Fitness Vlog Series! The disclaimer... cause I dont think I am fat... but I still need to lose some weight! GETOVAHIT!

The Vlog- How the Michael Jackson Experience INfected our lives!!!

The Michael Jackson Experience has INfected our lives... and we LIKE it!

The Vliggity Vlog: Seesters Tear Up IKEA (Pt 2)

Part 2 of making IKEA our adult playground!

The Vlog: Seesters tear up IKEA, Pt. 1

When we go to IKEA... shit gets so crazy we had to break it into 2 videos!

The Vliggity Vlog: Jessica's Child is Awesome!

I pretty much have the COOLEST KID in the entire world!

Seesters Vlog: Week 8- Photoshoot!!!!!

The Seesters have a photoshoot and it was lots of fun... but Cassy thought she was a VAMPIRE but has bad aim and hit my forehead!

Seesters Vlog: Week 7 Butt Cheeks, Songs, and Magic Tricks!

World Market never saw us coming... us singing N'Sync.... You never saw that coming!

Seesters Vlog: Week 6... Wine and Tattoos!

Me getting a tattoo is fun... but me getting caught getting drunk by myself if funny!

Seesters Vlog: Week 5 "ode to Genghis Grill"

Week 5 of the VLOG! We finally got COUPINS from Genghis Grill and we had a lot of fun enjoying it!

Seesters Vlog: Week 4 BIRFDAY!

Week 4 of the Blog... and it is my BIRTHDAY! We do a little dance... Make a little love, and FART TONIGHT!

Seesters Vlog: Week 3

Week 3...... I have alot of problems... and unfortunately a potty mouth! But I can teach you how to Dougie!!

Seesters Vlog week 2

This is Week 2, and there is Hineys, Bows, Flip Cup, and Seal!

Week 1 of the Seesters Vlog

Week 1 of the VLOG! We get crazy... there's singing and dancing and craziness. Who's surprised? NOT ME!

Morning Dose of F-U!

We sing a little song... do a little dance... and throw some profanities in YO FACE... w/ a little Cee Lo Green!

Free Puppies For Sale

This was the promo video for my book release last Summer... July 1, 2010. I will be editing and re-releasing the book by the 1st of 2012. Life got a little crazy and I had to take a break from it, but here is a look at a day in the life of.... ME!
www.freepuppiesforsalebook.com

Honey Badger Don't Give a $h^t!

March 2, 10
MARCH MADNESS!!!


..."I am really hoping that this March, 2010 is going to be a bug one. You know the life changing kind. I have big plans, and big dreams and I am hoping that with a little persistence that the fruits of all of my labor will start to be evident. We shall see. Here it is, the 2ND of the month, and rent can't be paid... AGAIN. But this is my last month in this apartment and I am hoping that they are lenient with me. I have been searching for a house to rent that will be cheaper than the rent here, and more conveniently located to my son's school. This has been easier than I thought, but also very tedious. There was a lot more out there than I ever anticipated, so my options are there, but at the end of the day I may just need to settle into something that will work, so that I can be smart with my money.

The last thing that I want to do is bury myself in debt, but I may not have a choice. After doing the math of everything that I need to have done by the end of this month, I am going to need close to $5,000. That is a lot of money. And I don't have it.... of course! So here I am eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on stale bread, and canned soup and tuna to make it through. It has come down to a debate between buying gas and milk. No wonder I look like I have aged 5 years in the last 6 months! The stress is killing me, not to mention making me sick. I have been ill with something for the last 3 weeks, and it doesn't seem to be improving. But I have no health insurance and can't afford the medicine even if I spent the money to go to the doctor. It is a twisted web we weave. But I keep thinking of the end result of all of this. Hopefully, if all stays on track, my book will be released by April 1st @ the latest. My Mary Kay business will start to take off and help to supplement my income a bit, and allow me to have a little cushion for times like these. My rent will be lower, and I will be spending less money on gas from commuting. I will be raking in the big bucks at the new bar, and all of my money problems will be solved, so that I won't have to work harder, and be able to work smarter!

That is my goal for March. Do EVERYTHING that I possibly can so that this is the LAST month I will have to work like this. It will be the last month that I don't see my kid when I want to, and the LAST time that I let anyone tell me that I should give up and do something that I don't like so that I can bring home a paycheck every week. No, this March will be madness, and I will hate every minute of it, but come April, it will be awesome.

I realize now that the life that I have is still a life. It might suck from time to time, but I am breathing. And even though my breathing may be panting from all the running around I am doing, it is still fantastic that I still find the time and energy, and motivation to get up and do it anyway."...

Honey Badger Don't Care!

Feb 25, 10
Lessons are Meant to Be Learned!

..."I hate making mistakes, but seeing as how I am not perfect, I make them all the time. I, unlike most people, am willing to take chances on trying new things even if I think they might end up being a mistake. It is how I have managed to become a more well rounded 25 year old. Throw in a little life experience, and viola... You have me. I certainly have enough things that have happened in my life to make me bitter and cynical, but am surprisingly not. How did I do this? I embrace life. It isn't always easy, and generally I fight with it, but I would rather fight with my life than fight with everyone in it. I find peace in the fact that as bad as my life has been there is always someone out there that has it worse than me and it helps me to keep things in perspective. But that is just my life in general... what about love?

Is it soul mates, or destiny... or just plain luck that leads us to the one that we spend forever with? I hear people talk about having a "type" all the time, and it makes no sense to me. I can't see myself only dating blond haired, blue eyed heartthrobs, but that's not to say that I wouldn't either. I am more attracted to a type of person, and looking for someone that is a good match for me on a different level. Because I am divorced I feel like I am pretty knowledgeable in the things that I look for and avoid in relationships. I have ended up with some people that fit well into those categories and they haven't worked out, so I have done what I can to step out of that, and it hasn't worked out either.

So what is it? Bad timing? Wrong person? I have no idea. What is it that we are supposed to be looking for, and how do we find it? I know that I am not necessarily looking to be with anyone, especially right now coming fresh out of something, but is it going to just fall in my lap? I am no love expert, and I don't claim to have any idea what I am doing, but I hope with some diligence that I find something in someone that speaks to me, and makes it all fit. There is someone out there who will mend the pieces of my broken heart. Someone who can fill in the cracks left by someone else. Maybe I already know him, or maybe he is a complete stranger... but I obviously need to say a small prayer and cross my fingers that he finds me, and i find him, and at the end of that day we are able to go on and live the life that was intended for us, together!

I just want a teammate in life; someone that will go to bat for me, and let me be their biggest chearleader. I need someone motivated so that they can understand my undying drive to succeed at whatever I am doing. I need someone strong so that they can pick me up when I fall, and understand that I may not need them to. I want someone who is creative, and interested in learning new things. I need to be stimulated but also want to feel as though I stimulate someone else in the same ways. I want to feel safe and comfortable in his arms, but not smothered by them. I want to have someone who takes things day by day, but isn't scared to look towards the future. I want someone who is spiritual, and believes that there is more to life than just us, and is willing to be open to religious ideals, and the faith that comes with it. I need someone that is appreciative and down to Earth. I want someone who is honest, and kind, but upfront and not afraid to speak their mind. I am sure I could go on and on... but generally, if you are a good person and will love me and my child unconditionally... I am willing to give you a chance to prove that you can be these things. Maybe they are ridicilous, but because I am willing to be all of these things for someone else, I will continue to hold on to the idea that there is someone out there willing to be all of these things for me!"....

Posting.... all Day!

5th Post:
Feb 15, 10
Tears are sometimes the Best Medicine!

 

 

..."So I have determined that maybe it isn't just me that finds some resolute in having a good cry every once in a while. I perhaps cry more than most people will admit to, but it isn't always because I am sad. There are times of happy tears, or tears that rage down my face in anger. I have cried out of misery and loneliness, as well as out of gratitude and forgiveness. Yesterday I cried out of grief but today I cried in relief, and both times I cried over the same thing.

I got my tattoo yesterday and felt a little bit of pain, but mostly relief. I am not numb! I swore that I was locking away all my emotions. It was my secret plan for getting over my most recent relationship. I love this man, and I felt as if I needed to act like I didn't to feel better, and to move on. I am going to try. I plan on going out with other people, but it isn't because I don't care about him... in fact, I really believe that we could still have a future together. It is NOT written in stone by any means, and for all I know I could meet the man of my dreams tomorrow, and this will all seem like a distant memory. It is the chance that we take when we break up with someone we still love and want to be with.

But the timing is wrong. It isn't right at this moment, and we both need to accomplish some things individually before we can start a life together. Today, we cried together, and there was something refreshing about it. I don't feel like the bad guy anymore, and he wasn't being selfish today, and all the things that we fought about all this time were no where to be found. without all of that stuff we found a common ground, and I am still a little sad, and I still want to cry, but I feel better too. I feel as if the loose end we left isn't quite so loose. I know now that we will be able to see each other and it not feel like the end of the world.

I have a better sense of myself today, and for that I am grateful. Yes, there are still plenty of things that I need to work on, and I have every intention of continuing to do so, but I feel a little more complete, and a little more grown up. I feel stronger, and more determined than ever. I feel revitalized, and content with things, and it is refreshing. I honestly think that I can go to bed tonight, and wake up tomorrow with a clear head, and a fire under my butt. I needed today to happen the way that it did, and it wasn't easy but I feel like I was tested today, and passed.

I added the Serenity Prayer at the top because I feel like I was able to utilize it very well today. This prayer has gotten me through more debacles than I care to keep count of and I know that I can rely on it again, and again in the future. Hopefully you can let it help guide you through your hard times as well. Until then, goodnight, and be good to one another!"....

4th Post.....

4th Post:

Feb 14, 10

Valentine's Schmalentines

 

..."Happy flippin' Valentine's Day Everyone!!!!!!

Here is the deal with me today... I am wallowing in a pool of my own self pity. Here I am, 25 years old, finally making some breaks in the right direction, and depressed. How does this happen? I realize that being a female we are able to feel so many emotions at once, but this is a little ridiculous! I am ecstatic that I got a new job for a company that I love, and that I have the photo shoot for the cover of my book, that has been a project 2 years in the making, in 2 days. These are all amazing things, but here I am... wallowing. I am sad for several reasons, but this is the biggest one: Valentine's Day is my favorite holiday. I know, I know... this seems silly, but I have a good explanation. For me, V-Day is like Christmas in the sense that I feel as if the true meaning has been skewed into something that it isn't anymore. Like Xmas, now it is all about presents and candy, and everything being colored in red and pink. Everyone forgets that it is a holiday meant to celebrate love.

This isn't just a holiday that celebrates being in love, but having loved ones. Being able to share with the people that you love, and love you should be the ideal holiday pick-me-up. Instead it is like a "singles awareness" holiday. The ability that we have to experience love is absolutely incredible as it is, but then to compile that fact with the way that we are able to allow ourselves to BE loved as well just blows my mind. I am still in love, and I think that is the reason why this year, this holiday bitter-sweetly reminds me of the love that I recently lost, and makes me want to self-loathe.

So this Valentine's I am celebrating with a tattoo. I know that seems crazy, and quite frankly, it is, but I have, in my mind, some reasonable rationalizationing (is that a word?...spell check...no!) One, I want it, and since today is going to suck, why not fill it with something that I want to do? Secondly, it will help me release some endorphins, through the adrenaline I will feel enduced by pain. But hey, at least I will know that I am not numb. Third, and lastly, the quote that i want to get is one not only pertinent to me, but to this holiday, and where I am today, not being able to celebrate it the way that I had hoped

"I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it." Audrey Hepburn

Today I will celebrate the fact that I still do have a terrible need to give affection to someone... and today it won't be a romantic kind, but it will still count. And maybe someday I will finally be able to have a good Valentine's Day with someone who loves me, and I love back, and it will make me forget about the years that I forgot the true meaning of this holiday.

So Happy Valentine's Day to all, because when you think about it... we all have a reason to celebrate!"....

Baby, Baby, Baby... OOOH!

3rd Post:
Feb. 7, 10
Every End Is A New Beginning!

...."When does hurting your heart become more important than healing it? This is a tough question because who wants to hurt? There have been very few times in my life when I chose to be miserable over being happy, because I knew the misery would fade and ultimately I would be happier in the long run. I have made some tough decisions because they were the right ones. I was able to make them because I knew it was the right choice for my son... our family. I ended a realtionship that I cherished with every part of myself. I loved this man, and I wanted so desperately for it to work that I spent almost a year nurturing it, and trying to help it grow. Unfortunately, some things are not meant to be, and it is always sad.

I was posed recently with the question, "What are you fighting for?", and the answer that came to mind in that moment was, "I don't know." and in that moment, I was right. Now looking back over the last 24 hours, on the nose, I have realized what it was. I was fighting for hope; I was fighting for love; I was fighting for persistence and chivalry, and the idea that love can be so amazing. I am scorned. I have been divorced, and watched the life that I had planned for myself slowly crumble in my hands. How did I gain all of these ideals, that are hopelessly romantic? I don't have an answer to that either. I know that I am tough as nails when it comes to things, and though my heart is broken today for the choice that I had to make, I feel myself healing already. I feel myself mending all of the little wounds that were created over the last year, and I feel little pieces of myself coming back. I have learned a lot from this relationship, and I will carry it on into my next one.

Today I feel lighter. Today I feel as though this weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I can finally breathe without the stress of a decision I couldn't make til just now. It is always hard to watch someone that you love leave your sights for the last time. And this time, it is the last time. Something was different yesterday; the air, the mood. It all seemed... clear. There wasn't this fog blurring my vision. He could tell too. He knew that this time, I wasn't bluffing, and that the things that I was saying were true, and there was no going back to the way things were after this conversation.

Where do I see things? I am not sure. I know now that I can focus on the things that should be more important to me anyway, and maybe now I will be able to focus. I see a new start, which I have been granted before and it is always a welcome and yet unsettling feeling. As far as he and I are concerned, I don't see a reconciliation anytime, but God works in mysterious ways!"....

Social Media Is Exhausting

Second Entry: Jan. 28, 10
Another Day Needs Another Dollar!


".......Hey all,

So I was thinking about all of the times when I have said that I just didn't have enough money. IT IS ALL THE TIME. But how is this possible? I work 6 days a week, and never see my kid so that I can bring home enough money to pay the bills and yet here I am; it is the 28th of the month, rent is due in 3 days and I have exactly... let me count... $196 to my name, and I don't have to tell you that rent is ALOT more than that; over $800 more than that! So, here I am in the same position that I am in at the end of every month wondering exactly how I am going to make it through.
There are no answers to these questions that I can give you right now. If there were I wouldn't be having to write this. But I can tell you what I am not going to do... give up. Yes, times are hard. Yes, I feel like I am going to pull my hair out. Yes, there is a large part of me that wants to give up. Yes, my son is worth it to me to figure this out. There are always things that stress people out, and there is always going to be hard times. Every person, even the rich ones, have them. What you have to do is the same thing that I am trying to do, and be more creative about it. There are options, and you may not like all of them, but they are there. I have weeded my way through pages and pages of things, but they have all left me exactly where I am right now. I am stuck in this endless cycle, and have decided to break out of it.

I am lucky in the sense that I KNOW what I want to do, and where I want to be, which is ahead of the curve a bit. The problem is that getting there has been hell. It seems like nothing that I do really works and I am getting helpless, but not giving up. I will keep trying to find the things that get me through each day, and make the most of the time that I do have to share with my son while I am trying to figure it out.".....

Connecting my blogs.....

Hey guys... for those of you who don't know me, this is my blog. I am going to post the original 1st blog entry and mission statement from my blog 2 years ago.... and will continue to add the things from that blog and the "Seesters Blog" as well.... then it will all live happily, and cohesively in ONE place, so that I can not have to sign in 15 times a day to do the same thing over and over again!

".........Well hey!!!

My name is Jessica. I grew up in the suburbs outside of Dallas, TX. I still live there, which seems kind of lame, but I have an amazing reason... my little man. Tyler is 4 now, and there is nothing more interesting than watching this little thing that you created grow and learn. It still trips me out everyday! But there is a lot more to being a mom than some people think; even more when you are doing it before you were ready!

In an ideal world we would all have babies when we are married and happy, and have careers and houses with yards and little picket fences. I think we can all say that the odds of this actually happening are slim to none. For the few that are lucky enough to have it happen, I doubt this blog is for you. This is for the ones of us who weren't so fortunate to talk about the nitty-gritty of being a young parent, single or otherwise, divorce and/or baby daddy or mama drama, and how to be yourself and accomplish all the things that you ever dreamed WHILE having a child. This is how to continue to work towards the little house with the picket fence even if it takes working doubles everyday for 10 years.

There are some people who may think I am not qualified to give advice, and they may be right, but I am not sitting here claiming to be a doctor and telling people which prescriptions to take to cure an illness. I am simply trying to be someone that understands where the hell you are coming from. I ma not going to think you are just bitching and moaning, because I have been there, and sometimes you just need someone to tell you that it is OK.

This blog is not going to be PC (politically correct) but real, and raw, the way that life actually is. I am always going to answer questions to the best of my abilities and I will answer questions about anything; sex, relationships, parenting, how to be amicable with your ex, and ideas for making more money and planning for your future. I am no expert, but i can offer you some out of the box ideas that you can take or leave, but at least you are trying to test all waters before you settle for a life that you didn't plan for yourself. Take control... I will just hand you the reins."......