Behind the Cover: Fool In Love- Rihanna

                        

Fool In Love- by Rihanna

When I first heard this song, I was moved, to say the least. There was something about the song that hit me in a place much deeper than I expected from a "silly pop" song. I shared it with several friends of mine, and although their reactions may not have all been as deep as mine was, there was a unanimous agreement that that song was phenomenal. And I will say that it brought more than one of them to tears, me included. 

Since it is the bonus track, on the deluxe edition of her album, you can't find it anywhere online, UNLESS you buy it, and they have yet to release it as a single. With the growing respect I had for the song, and the vocal that Rihanna lays down on it, I was scared to cover it, but I thought, there is no way that I can't share this. The song  tells such a common story of not living up to the expectations set for us, and the communion we must come into about either fighting it, or accepting it. I have fought this battle every day of my life, for as long as I can remember. But I will get back to that!

When I actually decided to cover the song, my life was in a much different place, with very different people around me. I had everyone on board that I needed to make this happen, and one day when I got home, I felt moved by it, and made a video (totally out of order, I KNOW!) Sparing you all the stressful or gory details, what I thought was going to be a simple little cover project hit some SERIOUS speed bumps... so much so that I thought I was going to have to shelve it all together and forget about it entirely. But after some time passed and dust settled, I stumbled upon the video that I made... and was again, impacted. I thought, I only have two choices:

1. I make one last stitch effort to complete this

or

2. I move on from it completely.

I chose the former. And I am so glad that I did. I reached out to some familiar and not so familiar people and somehow, we made it happen. And not only is it finally finished, it is even better than I could have even imagined. I am actually proud of the product, but I am even prouder of myself. I overcame some HUGE mountains to do what I needed to do, which was sing the shit out of it. Sounds easy, right?? 

Well, now we get back to my battles with being perfect. One day in the beginning stages of this project, my friend Solomon and I are sitting in my apartment trying to figure out how to re-make the track from scratch (speed bump #1) and he asks me to sing it. I FREEZE. I mean, I realized that truly, other than the video, which was practically done, singing was literally my only job... and I couldn't do it. I proceed to have a full on break down in my kitchen like a 5 year old. Then I realized something miraculous...

Sol said to me, "Why are you trying to be perfect, Jess?! Fuck up... I WANT you to fuck up!" But I couldn't. I had spent my entire life trying to be this idea I have of perfect that I thought I needed to be to please everyone, but more specifically my family, and most specifically my Dad! I am not going to sit here and make him out to be a bad guy, because that is completely false. Yes, we have had our fair share of problems, but I can reflect back on what I am about to tell you, knowing NOW how much it affected me, and how the amount of respect that I have for him, magnified my reaction to it. 

When I was 15 years old, and just getting through the first year of my blossoming modeling career, my Dad, who was a singer/songwriter/musician his entire life before children, said to me, "You are not the best singer, you are not the best dancer and there are millions of other girls out there who are more beautiful and more talented than you, and they never make it."

In one sentence my entire life crashed down around me. Every hope and dream was weighted. Every wish left unfulfilled. From that point forward, ever insecurity I felt was larger and every accomplishment should have been greater. There was no point in which I ever saw myself and what I was doing, and was happy enough with it to be completely proud of it. In hindsight, and with over 10 years to reflect on that sentence, and sit with it, I know what he was trying to say. I understand the point he was trying to make, but at 15 I didn't grasp it. All I heard was that my Daddy didn't believe in me. And since he was a singer, it was the thing that stuck with me the most.

Fast forward to my kitchen, and me in the fetal position crying like a baby... I was able to look up and realize for the first time in a decade and see the monster I had been subconsciously battling with. Put THAT fear into a recording studio.... HOLY SHIT! Sweating, shaking, and on the verge of an anxiety attack. However, with a helpful hand and boost of confidence, I was able to get it out. It's not perfect, but it is real, and I cannot believe that I was able to look that beast in the face and fight back. 

As my life and career have progressed and my Dad has expressed more and more concern with my choices and disapproval of them, it intensified my reaction to the song and how deeply I felt a connection to it. SO when you listen to this song, and you watch the video, you need to know that when I fight tears and fail, it isn't about a boy... it is about my Dad.

"Papa, did I let you down? Are you ashamed of how your little girl turned out?"

So, yes, originally I wanted to do this song to prove to my Dad that I could do everything he told me that I couldn't, but I actually ended up proving it to myself. Which is really more important anyway. I know my Dad loves me and only wants what he believes is best for me, and he can't be slighted for that. Having a child of my own has made me understand this more than ever. We never want to see out children hurt, especially by the same things that may have hurt us. And he's not wrong... I am not the best singer, or dancer, best looking or most talented... there ARE millions of other people out there, around every corner, that may have me beat on almost every level, but not a single one of them has what I have to offer. And I am willing to bet not one of them can match my work ethic, driver and fight for what I want. And as crushed as my Dad's statement may have made me feel at times, it is also part of the reason I am so motivated. 

So now, I take the same sentence that has made me feel so defeated for so long and say, "BRING IT ON!" because like the song says.

"I'm willing to look so stupid til I've had enough."

and I promise that day isn't coming anytime soon!

And I love you, Dad!

This link doesn't work anymore either! It had to be right! See newest... sorry!

                        

Fool In Love- by Rihanna

When I first heard this song, I was moved, to say the least. There was something about the song that hit me in a place much deeper than I expected from a "silly pop" song. I shared it with several friends of mine, and although their reactions may not have all been as deep as mine was, there was a unanimous agreement that that song was phenomenal. And I will say that it brought more than one of them to tears, me included. 

Since it is the bonus track, on the deluxe edition of her album, you can't find it anywhere online, UNLESS you buy it, and they have yet to release it as a single. With the growing respect I had for the song, and the vocal that Rihanna lays down on it, I was scared to cover it, but I thought, there is no way that I can't share this. The song  tells such a common story of not living up to the expectations set for us, and the communion we must come into about either fighting it, or accepting it. I have fought this battle every day of my life, for as long as I can remember. But I will get back to that!

When I actually decided to cover the song, my life was in a much different place, with very different people around me. I had everyone on board that I needed to make this happen, and one day when I got home, I felt moved by it, and made a video (totally out of order, I KNOW!) Sparing you all the stressful or gory details, what I thought was going to be a simple little cover project hit some SERIOUS speed bumps... so much so that I thought I was going to have to shelve it all together and forget about it entirely. But after some time passed and dust settled, I stumbled upon the video that I made... and was again, impacted. I thought, I only have two choices:

1. I make one last stitch effort to complete this

or

2. I move on from it completely.

I chose the former. And I am so glad that I did. I reached out to some familiar and not so familiar people and somehow, we made it happen. And not only is it finally finished, it is even better than I could have even imagined. I am actually proud of the product, but I am even prouder of myself. I overcame some HUGE mountains to do what I needed to do, which was sing the shit out of it. Sounds easy, right?? 

Well, now we get back to my battles with being perfect. One day in the beginning stages of this project, my friend Solomon and I are sitting in my apartment trying to figure out how to re-make the track from scratch (speed bump #1) and he asks me to sing it. I FREEZE. I mean, I realized that truly, other than the video, which was practically done, singing was literally my only job... and I couldn't do it. I proceed to have a full on break down in my kitchen like a 5 year old. Then I realized something miraculous...

Sol said to me, "Why are you trying to be perfect, Jess?! Fuck up... I WANT you to fuck up!" But I couldn't. I had spent my entire life trying to be this idea I have of perfect that I thought I needed to be to please everyone, but more specifically my family, and most specifically my Dad! I am not going to sit here and make him out to be a bad guy, because that is completely false. Yes, we have had our fair share of problems, but I can reflect back on what I am about to tell you, knowing NOW how much it affected me, and how the amount of respect that I have for him, magnified my reaction to it. 

When I was 15 years old, and just getting through the first year of my blossoming modeling career, my Dad, who was a singer/songwriter/musician his entire life before children, said to me, "You are not the best singer, you are not the best dancer and there are millions of other girls out there who are more beautiful and more talented than you, and they never make it."

In one sentence my entire life crashed down around me. Every hope and dream was weighted. Every wish left unfulfilled. From that point forward, ever insecurity I felt was larger and every accomplishment should have been greater. There was no point in which I ever saw myself and what I was doing, and was happy enough with it to be completely proud of it. In hindsight, and with over 10 years to reflect on that sentence, and sit with it, I know what he was trying to say. I understand the point he was trying to make, but at 15 I didn't grasp it. All I heard was that my Daddy didn't believe in me. And since he was a singer, it was the thing that stuck with me the most.

Fast forward to my kitchen, and me in the fetal position crying like a baby... I was able to look up and realize for the first time in a decade and see the monster I had been subconsciously battling with. Put THAT fear into a recording studio.... HOLY SHIT! Sweating, shaking, and on the verge of an anxiety attack. However, with a helpful hand and boost of confidence, I was able to get it out. It's not perfect, but it is real, and I cannot believe that I was able to look that beast in the face and fight back. 

 As my life and career have progressed and my Dad has expressed more and more concern with my choices and his disapproval of them, it intensified my reaction to this song and how deeply I felt a connection to it. SO when you listen to this song, and you watch the video, you need to know that when I fight tears and fail, it isn't about a boy.... it is about my Dad. 

"Papa, did I let you down? Are you ashamed of how your little girl turned out?"

So, yes, originally I wanted to do this song to prove to my Dad that I could do everything he told me that I couldn't, but I actually ended up proving it to myself. Which is really much more important anyway. I know my Dad loves me and only wants what he believes is best for me, and he can't be slighted for that. Having a child of my own has made me understand this more than ever. We never want to see our children hurt, especially by the same things that may have hurt us. And he's not wrong... I am not the best singer, or dancer, best looking, or most talented... There ARE millions of other people out there, around every corner that might have me beat on almost every level, but not a single one of them has what I have to offer. And I am willing to bet not one of them can match my work ethic, drive, and fight for what I want. And as crushed as my Dad's statement may have made me feel at times, it is also part of the reason I am so motivated.

So now, I take that same sentence that has made me feel so defeated for so long and say, "BRING IT ON!" because like the song says,

 "I'm willing to look so stupid til I've had enough"

 and I promise that day isn't coming anytime soon! 


And I love you, Dad!

The link on this one does not work! :(

Fool In Love- by Rihanna

When I first heard this song, I was moved, to say the least. There was something about the song that hit me in a place much deeper than I expected from a "silly pop" song. I shared it with several friends of mine, and although their reactions may not have all been as deep as mine was, there was a unanimous agreement that that song was phenomenal. And I will say that it brought more than one of them to tears, me included. 

Since it is the bonus track, on the deluxe edition of her album, you can't find it anywhere online, UNLESS you buy it, and they have yet to release it as a single. With the growing respect I had for the song, and the vocal that Rihanna lays down on it, I was scared to cover it, but I thought, there is no way that I can't share this. The song  tells such a common story of not living up to the expectations set for us, and the communion we must come into about either fighting it, or accepting it. I have fought this battle every day of my life, for as long as I can remember. But I will get back to that!

When I actually decided to cover the song, my life was in a much different place, with very different people around me. I had everyone on board that I needed to make this happen, and one day when I got home, I felt moved by it, and made a video (totally out of order, I KNOW!) Sparing you all the stressful or gory details, what I thought was going to be a simple little cover project hit some SERIOUS speed bumps... so much so that I thought I was going to have to shelve it all together and forget about it entirely. But after some time passed and dust settled, I stumbled upon the video that I made... and was again, impacted. I thought, I only have two choices:

1. I make one last stitch effort to complete this

or

2. I move on from it completely.

I chose the former. And I am so glad that I did. I reached out to some familiar and not so familiar people and somehow, we made it happen. And not only is it finally finished, it is even better than I could have even imagined. I am actually proud of the product, but I am even prouder of myself. I overcame some HUGE mountains to do what I needed to do, which was sing the shit out of it. Sounds easy, right?? 

Well, now we get back to my battles with being perfect. One day in the beginning stages of this project, my friend Solomon and I are sitting in my apartment trying to figure out how to re-make the track from scratch (speed bump #1) and he asks me to sing it. I FREEZE. I mean, I realized that truly, other than the video, which was practically done, singing was literally my only job... and I couldn't do it. I proceed to have a full on break down in my kitchen like a 5 year old. Then I realized something miraculous...

Sol said to me, "Why are you trying to be perfect, Jess?! Fuck up... I WANT you to fuck up!" But I couldn't. I had spent my entire life trying to be this idea I have of perfect that I thought I needed to be to please everyone, but more specifically my family, and most specifically my Dad! I am not going to sit here and make him out to be a bad guy, because that is completely false. Yes, we have had our fair share of problems, but I can reflect back on what I am about to tell you, knowing NOW how much it affected me, and how the amount of respect that I have for him, magnified my reaction to it. 

When I was 15 years old, and just getting through the first year of my blossoming modeling career, my Dad, who was a singer/songwriter/musician his entire life before children, said to me, "You are not the best singer, you are not the best dancer and there are millions of other girls out there who are more beautiful and more talented than you, and they never make it."

In one sentence my entire life crashed down around me. Every hope and dream was weighted. Every wish left unfulfilled. From that point forward, ever insecurity I felt was larger and every accomplishment should have been greater. There was no point in which I ever saw myself and what I was doing, and was happy enough with it to be completely proud of it. In hindsight, and with over 10 years to reflect on that sentence, and sit with it, I know what he was trying to say. I understand the point he was trying to make, but at 15 I didn't grasp it. All I heard was that my Daddy didn't believe in me. And since he was a singer, it was the thing that stuck with me the most.

Fast forward to my kitchen, and me in the fetal position crying like a baby... I was able to look up and realize for the first time in a decade and see the monster I had been subconsciously battling with. Put THAT fear into a recording studio.... HOLY SHIT! Sweating, shaking, and on the verge of an anxiety attack. However, with a helpful hand and boost of confidence, I was able to get it out. It wasn't perfect, but it was real, and I cannot believe that I was able to look that beast in the face and fight back. 

 As my life and career have progressed and my Dad has expressed more and more concern with my choices and his disapproval of them, it intensified my reaction to this song and how deeply I felt a connection to it. SO when you listen to this song, and you watch the video, you need to know that when I fight tears and fail, it isn't about a boy.... it is about my Dad. 

"Papa, did I let you down? Are you ashamed of how your little girl turned out?"

So, yes, originally I wanted to do this song to prove to my Dad that I could do everything he told me that I couldn't, but I actually ended up proving it to myself. Which is really much more important anyway. I know my Dad loves me and only wants what he believes is best for me, and he can't be slighted for that. Having a child of my own has made me understand this more than ever. We never want to see our children hurt, especially by the same things that may have hurt us. And he's not wrong... I am not the best singer, or dancer, best looking, or most talented... There ARE millions of other people out there, around every corner that might have me beat on almost every level, but not a single one of them has what I have to offer. And I am willing to bet not one of them can match my work ethic, drive, and fight for what I want. 

So now, I take that same sentence that has made me feel so defeated for so long and say, "BRING IT ON!" because like the song says,

 "I'm willing to look so stupid til I've had enough"

 and I promise that day isn't coming anytime soon! 

Sugar Free Zucchini Bread

Howdy there! So I am on this new adventure to find sugar free recipes that are delicious and easy to make. The reason: My son has ADHD and I am trying to keep him off of meds, and starting with a sugar free and balanced diet! :)

It has been an interesting ride, and there are more recipes to come, but there was a special request for this one, so here it is!! 

**(I will start with the original recipe, and then make notes to what I substituted in and out!)

Ingredients:

3 eggs

3/4 cup oil

1 cup honey

1 tsp vanilla extract

3 cups peeled and grated zucchini

1tsp salt

1/4 tsp baking powder

3 cups flour

1 tbsp cinnamon

1 1/2 tsp baking powder

1/2 cup nuts (chopped)

Now, honey is NOT sugar free, and although agave nectar is a good sub, I am still trying to stay as far away from most sugar as I can for the time being. SO... I subbed in 3/4 cup of Sugar Free Maple Syrup and 1/4 cup of unsweetened Applesauce. 

If there is a nut allergy I think chopped apple or raisins would be awesome in it. 

I also think, after tasting it that butter or a butter alternative (either in the batter or afterwards) makes it a little more rich. But the bread is moist and tasty. Crusty outside and moist inside... perfect!!

Instructions:

Preheat oven to 300 degrees.

Beat eggs, then add oil, **honey or sub, and vanilla. Mix all dry ingredients and stir into wet mix. Spray baking pan with non-stick spray and place in oven for 45-55 min or until golden brown. Test with a toothpick. 

Once pulled out of the oven, I poked a few holes in the tops and glazed with a simple mix of **sugar substitute (splenda, stevia... etc) with warm water and a dash of the sugar free maple syrup. The glaze should be sticky and gooey but not thick. 

Really tasty... and my kiddo loves it. DUH!!! Win for Mommy!!! 

Hope everyone loves this, and if you try it and have any suggestions, or other things that you try that make it even better, PLEASE lemme know!!! 

Thanks guys, and enjoy!!

Don't Judge Me... even if I do wrong.

There is not a person on this Earth that can say they are free from ever judging someone else. We do it on a daily, likely hourly, basis. 

"Oh, she is way too fat to be wearing that."

"Look at that homeless guy... he is probably a drug addict."

"That child is so misbehaved, their parents need to step it up."

On a much larger scale:

"That man murdered innocent people... he is insane."

"The crime rate in that area is terrible, so it must be full of thugs."

He's a...

She's a....

They are....

But when was the last time you turned the microscope on yourself??

When was the last time you wondered what other people thought of you?

When was the last time you questioned...

I AM _____?

I recently started acting classes with one of the most amazing women I have ever met, Diana Castle. She not only reached me on a professional level, but eve on the first night, she changed me and my personal self forever. 

One of the things that Diana talks about the most, and I won't give away too much cause you should pay her to tell you, is the "I AM"!

This is my "JOB" as an actor... to "be" another person and be able to see the world through their eyes and be affected by their influences. I have to be willing to let go of MY ideas of life and my personal opinions and beliefs and let myself enter an alternative life.... completely.

I have learned that there is a victim and a victimizer in all of us; it's just the level at which we allow ourselves to be the victim or the extent that we are willing to victimize someone else that seems to separate how we view the severity. And based on the severity, we place ourselves on the same scale and determine whether or not we think we are better than another person. 

Now what does that have to do with my personal life? Everything. Learning to become more empathetic as an actor, has had the same effect on me personally. The deeper I grow in my craft, the more I feel broadened as a person. It has helped me heal a few wounds that I knew needed resolution, and brought up a few that I thought were moved on from!

I will explain....

In class we are given "stories" to work on. I think we call them stories because calling them 'scripts' brings attention to the words. We aren't trying to recite lines... we are trying to relive lives.

There are these two very talented young ladies working on an intense play, a piece called 'Ruined' by Lynn Nottage. It was written to raise awareness to a real world problems in countries like Africa, and won a Pulitzer Prize in 2009.

(http://www.almeida.co.uk/Downloads/development/resources/RuinedResourcePack.pdf)

^^The breakdown of the play for your own viewing pleasure.... there are pictures!! **

It is written from the perspective of the women in the Congo while they were abducted, imprisoned, and brutally raped and terrorized by the soldiers during the war. Many of them were torn away from their homes, and families and thrown into a world where "rape was used as a weapon", and "their bodies became the battlefield." This left most of the women ostracized for being 'tainted' and many of them were so scarred they were no longer able to have children. She also talks in the Preface about how many of the boys/men who were oppressing these women, were also victims of war, violence, terror and even rape, leaving some of them so damaged that they would never be able to recover from the mental trauma they received prior to the terror they would go on to cause. 

THIS is when MY breakdown, and then immediate revelation happened!!

Sparing you the details, I was raped my junior year of high school. I was 17 years old... and here we are 10 years later. I can openly talk about it, if asked, and even feel the urge TO share my story in an attempt to help others cope with something similar, or to have a better understanding of it. It doesn't haunt me anymore... I am no longer hurting or angry. I found peace with it, accepted it, and was able to successfully move forward from it.  When I heard the real life accounts of the tragedy happening in this world, which we all know exists but choose to ignore, it unearthed so many emotions that I almost lost it in the middle of class. 

I immediately felt so grateful. I had been raped but was still able to have a child. I could  never even fathom the possibility of the other alternative. To not have my son in my life would be the most devastating thing I could ever imagine going through. Just the thought of it now is making me have to choke back tears. But that is to be expected... that child is my life. 

The thing I didn't expect was what came next... pity. In hearing what the men went through prior to becoming mortal terrorists, suddenly I felt bad for the guy that took advantage of me. I saw it from a completely different perspective, and it was as if I was magically calmed from the inside. This strange sense of peace came over me and I wept... for him. 

I don't believe that he went through anything remotely comparable to the men she was describing to me, and it in no way justifies it, but with my new 'empathetic' outlook, I had a better understanding. I had answers to questions that had previously been left blank. And although I also know that what I experienced paled in comparison to those women as well, I felt closure about it for the first time in a decade. 

I realized that though I had recovered from the events that took place that night, it was like I had broken a bone, and it had healed, but wasn't set properly. This moment was not a breakdown, but a necessary breaking of bone so that I could reset it and have it heal correctly. 

I won't get on a high horse, but I count my blessings daily. This time in my life has been the most liberating experience, and I try not to take one minute for granted. I am doing things I never thought that I could ever do. I have been able to change the thought from:

I can't... to...

I could... to... 

I should... to...

I DID!!

I have fought with this constant fear of never being good enough. I have worried day in, and day out what people thought of me and the things that I was making or creating. I didn't realize until recently how debilitating it has been to me. It has truly held me back in more ways than I am probably even aware of. But in the becoming aware of it, I was able to stop the chain, and in the healing, I have begun to accept the fact that I will never be able to make everyone happy. I will never be able to please everyone's taste. In fact, it is possible that I might not be able to do it for even ONE person. So knowing that, I should just focus on making myself happy, and creating honest work that I believe in. If I can do that, then releasing it into the world won't be a fearful event, but a joyous one. And while others are deciding whether they love or hate it.... I am going to go on creating. (thanks Andy Warhol)

If you are an actor, friend or otherwise, and are looking to grow.... please check out Diana and what she is doing at the Imagined Life Theater. Even if you aren't in the LA area or are attending somewhere else, her lectures can be purchased on the site, and on CD. They will help you grow and be more than you ever thought possible. I know... I am blessed enough to be able to experience it every week. 

http://www.theimaginedlife.com/

It's been a minute.....

Don' be impatient... I haven't gone anywhere...

But you remember when your parents used to say, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all!" That should answer your questions... if you even had any in the first place. 

In the last couple of months my life has done a complete 180.... I thought I was on one track and it seems that I was derailed.  But the most amazing things have happened, and I am back on the track that I SHOULD be on.  I am not going to be on here ranting about anything negative, because there is no reason to revisit anything that made my life less than it deserves to be. What I would like to do is tell you some of the things that I have learned and how it has catapulted my life to be everything I said it would, even though when I said them, I thought they were ridiculous...

When you love someone and do whatever you have to do to make it work, I thought that was what loving someone meant. I realize now, that you ARE supposed to do that, but when the other person loves you back, they are aware, and don't take advantage of it. There is a balance, and a mutual respect for your love and your relationship... and at some point, you have to put that energy back into all the pieces of yourself that you sacrificed for someone else. 

My goals when I moved to LA were that I wanted to have a manger/agent within 6 months, and I wanted to be going out for a full length feature film or TV series by June. I have now accomplished both of those things, and I could not be happier. "Why June?" you might ask. Well, June because it is the 6th month of the year and I wanted to have made incredible strides within the first half of the new year, and because my son is coming to LA for the Summer and he comes in June. So I wanted to be establishing a momentum by then so that I wasn't so stressed and struggling when he got here. 

In this process, I have met some of the most amazing people, and started to do some of the most amazing things. I finally have people surrounding me that not only understand the things I want, and am trying to do, but are fully supportive and generate a creative energy inside me that fuels me to do things I never thought possible. I have started doing things I never knew I was capable of, and am creating and being more than I thought I could, and it has changed the way that I view my goals, and made them even bigger and clearer. 

Bigger?!?! Bigger than winning an Oscar? Bigger than having my own TV show? Yes... bigger  because I feel them more strongly and deeply. I feel so much more convicted to them than I did before. I was still hanging on to fear.... the fear of failure. Fear of not being good enough or deserving enough of my dreams. I know now that I not only deserve everything that I can dream of, but that the sky is the limit, and anything less than that, I prevented myself from achieving. Why the hell would I EVER do that!?!? 

I also realized, that losing love is a very sad thing, but it opens the door to find the right kind of love. The kind that opens your heart back up, opens your mind to the belief that it is possible, opens your eyes to how you should be loved, and opens your life to being shared with someone who balances it, as well as lifts it up instead of holding it down. Regardless of heartbreak, and I have had many in my life, I have never lost faith that "true love" exists for everyone, and the things that it should contribute to you. "Fairytale" relationships can exist, but it isn't up to you to make both sides believe it.... I have realized that the other person has to be the one to make YOU believe it. But you have to stay open to the idea of it in the first place. I know that I am not where I thought I was going to be right now, or with who I thought I would be here with, but I am in a BETTER place and with better places come better people. You don't find Prince Charming in the slums! And you have to know you deserve it.

Life is a funny thing, but when you know who you are, and what you want, it is your job to do what you need to do to put yourself on the right track. Once you are on that track, everything else falls into place, and you start to meet the people who are on the same track as you and aid you in your goals... even if it is just by knowing you can do it. A simple phone call or text to let you know they are there and thinking of you, and life is suddenly one step further than you thought it would be. Surrounding yourself with these people is one of the most important things you can do for you and your dreams! And as hard as it is, everyone else is expendable. I hate to be that blunt, but let's be honest, deep down you know that those people would just as easily get rid of you for their own personal success. 

I can say with all honesty and conviction, that I am the absolute happiest I have been in a VERY long time, and right now I have found such contentment, that I don't know that I could be any happier at this moment than I am. I have been working on trying to stay present, but I always have my future in the forefront of my mind. I refuse to lose sight of my goals or let anyone think they can take them from me. My life is mine, and I have taken full responsibility for it. Every minute of every day should have intention, even if that intention is to finally let yourself have a little fun. It has to start somewhere, and it will always come back to starting with you. 

Put a smile on your face, a song in your heart, and one foot firmly in front of the other. 

Rinse and repeat!

You need to see this!!!

Every once in a while you stumble across something that brings up emotions in you, and you don't know why! THIS IS ONE OF THOSE THINGS!!

All I can say, is watch this and see if it touches you as well! It is a beautiful performance, in one of my favorite forms of art... DANCE!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=gOheCGjXoLg

I have been crying for the bulk of today!

There are a few things I feel the need to talk about today... partly for explanation purposes and partly just to get them off of my chest. But I will start with what happened to bring these tears to light.

I got a mildly distressed phone call from my ex husband in regards to my son, and his behavior recently. Right before I moved to LA, Tyler was diagnosed with ADHD and they were recommending medicines and all sorts of things. I am generally opposed to putting him on medicine, as I also have ADHD and have never been on any medication for it. I look at the fact that I have extra energy as a blessing because I have been able to do more than most people in very short periods of time. But I am also a female, and I know that boys have more energy and I didn't think it was fair to my ex, my family, and his family to be so objected to the meds, when they were going to be the ones taking him full time, since I was moving. So I let them make the decision. Apparently, they are having some trouble administering his medication to him, and when he isn't on it, he is acting up and it has finally gotten to the point where they are talking about suspending him from school, etc. When I got this news, I was distraught. Mostly because I feel bad that I am not there to help more. I am not there to give support. I am not there... in general. 

There are hardly ANY people in my life, or at all, that understand why I moved, and left my son in Dallas. Most people think I am a selfish, self-centered person. They think that I should have put my dreams on the back burner when I had my son, and that THEY would have made a different choice. And they are right... but I tried that....

For those of you who don't know the whole story, I will give you cliff notes version:

I got pregnant and had a baby at 20, out of wedlock, and scared to death. When I found out, I never once considered giving him up or terminating the pregnancy. He was my responsibility and I would have to figure it out. And I did... tried to make a family he would be proud of, had a "normal" day job, making salary and all that. Got married, bought the house.... and I was miserable. You can't make your life into something that it isn't. You can't make someone love you who doesn't, and you can force yourself to be happy doing things, and living a life that you don't love. I was willing to forget all of the things that I wanted for myself, to give my son a better life, but the question that I kept asking myself was "If I am unhappy, how happy could he be?"

The hardest decision I had EVER had to make was breaking up my family. We were miserable... we fought all the time and it was void of any true love. We weren't together because we loved each other, we were together because of our son. It was noble, and we made a valiant effort, but when it wouldn't work, it just wouldn't work. After the split, I started to learn more and more about myself and the things that I wanted to do, and the life that I wanted to be able to provide for my kid. But most importantly, the example that I wanted to set for him in the life that he was going to lead. I am not perfect, but I could never live with myself sitting there telling him to follow all of his dreams if I hadn't done the same. 

So after 4 years of being on my own, and trying to "make it work" in Dallas with very little success I was at that line again. I was working anywhere from 2-5 jobs and up to 21 hours a day trying to make ends meet while still TRYING to pursue modeling or acting by any means necessary. I was working a little bit, and things were moving, but VERY SLOWLY, and I was looking at the progress I had made in 4 years and thought I was never going to be able to make a change at this pace. I was hardly seeing my son as it was and getting nowhere quickly. I would have to make a decision... I was either going to have to give up and settle into a normal life that I was just going to have to "live with" OR I was going to have to go "all in" and really give it the effort that I had yet to be able to. 

I have been in this industry for a very long time, and I know when it is time to cash in your chips, and this wasn't my time. I feel a fire burning inside of me and I know what I am capable of, and it took me realizing that to finally make a decision. People let what other people think govern so many of the decisions they make and I had done that for SO long. I came to that fork in the road, and a decision HAD to be made... and it was THE hardest decision I have EVER made.... EVER!

So what do I do....

 Follow my dreams and be everything that I could be and change the life of my child and hopefully millions of others as well, but the cost is leaving him for a while and sacrificing that time knowing I will never get it back. Or stay, live the life that everyone else tells me I SHOULD be living, to give my son a mediocre life, and possibly be resentful forever.

I never wanted to leave my son. To this day, saying goodbye to him breaks my heart. Knowing that I would meet moments when I felt helpless, and angry, and regretful. Knowing that there would be times he would want or need me and I couldn't be there. Knowing that there might come a day when he chooses Texas over me. But I didn't leave him under a bridge. I didn't abandon him with a bunch of strangers. I didn't dump him off.... I spent 5 months planning the move and working it out. Tyler is in the middle of his first year of Kindergarten and everyone and everything he knows is in Dallas. It didn't make sense for me to fight to take him, and even more importantly, it wouldn't have been the right thing to do. It wouldn't have been fair for me to do that to him. I made the harder decision... the UNselfish one... leaving my son with people who love him so that I could go out an change his life. 

There is no way around it.... I put my career and future above the immediate needs of my kid. But on the flip side, I also prioritized enriching the lives of millions over the life of one. What would you do?

The same could be said for people in the military, who leave their families to protect the best interest of people they don't know, and they have the possibility of death to consider. I am not saying I am a martyr who deserves the same respect, but what I am saying is there are plenty of people who choose to do good for more.... more people, more lives, and a bigger purpose. 

Most people think I am delusional, that my dreams are outrageous, and that it is silly to believe that I have a chance to be all the things I say I will. Maybe I am... but for every person that has made it, there was a lifetime of people telling them they were crazy, and would fail. And the one common trait in every single one of them is that we are ALL a little bit crazy. You would have to be to make it in this industry or even to believe that you have a shot. But to overcome the obstacles, and actually break through that ceiling and prove everyone of them wrong IS how you make the difference. It is how I grow stronger every day. It is what keeps me going, KNOWING that one day I will look back at this and LAUGH. 

I am not trying to be an actress because I want to be famous. I am no Kim Kardashian.

I want to do this because I was blessed with the talent to do it, and the drive to make it happen. I was born with the innate ability to captivate an audience, and make people listen. I have everything it takes, PLUS a work ethic to make it happen. And to make it would change everything. I would be able to give my son everything he has ever needed. I would be able to see him whenever I wanted, and watch him flourish. And maybe, just maybe, I can change even more lives than just his. Maybe I can inspire someone else to try and change the world too. Maybe I can beat the odds, despite my situation, and be the best version of myself. Maybe I can show people that with enough drive, and enough belief, you can do ANYTHING. And maybe the person I want to see that the most... is my son. 

What if the only way to SHOW your kid how to do that was to do it yourself?

Would you?

Would you sacrifice a little bit of time with your child if it could change their life?

If you weren't in your OWN way, would you say no to your dream?

Do people think I am a bad mother for leaving him... yes. Do people think I am stupid for trying to do what I came out here to do... sure. But what will they be saying if I am able to do all of the things I said I was going to... 

nothing. 

I am very lucky that I have people to help with my son so I could come out here and do this, regardless of how they felt about it. He has a father who loves him, and a family who cares for him in my absence. If he didn't I would have brought him with me. I am glad he has the support that I don't, and I wouldn't have it any other way. He needs it more than I do, and the time away from his serves as fuel to my fire. 

You don't have to understand my decision, and you don't have to like it. You can judge me and think poorly of me all you want. I knew it would happen and planned for it. The reason I am upset is not because I care what you think of me, it is because I care what my son thinks of me. I don't want to let him down. And because of that, I know I won't. I am going to be someone that he is proud to call his Mom! And maybe I was that to him before... and maybe I would have always been that, no matter what. But I would never be able to live with myself if I somehow put a limit on what he was going to be able to do in his life, and how happy he would be, by doing the same to myself. 

Maybe you can live with that...

But I can't!

A few bits of knowledge I have learned about LOVE!

I had a really interesting question from a good friend of mine spawn the idea behind today's entry. She asked me, "Would you rather have the people who love you at your wedding or decor?" And the amazing thing to me was that she thought the question was retarded. My answer was simple, "It is about you; nobody will remember the decor except through pictures." But as I sat and pondered what she was going through, planning her wedding and trying to make everything come together in the final few weeks, I started to think about all the things that matter in relationships and how realizing what is important has helped me through some interesting changes in my own.

I wrote her another response, but instead of just copy and pasting it, I am going to elaborate on some things that I have learned and how I genuinely think that most people FUCK UP their love lives. (and please know I am just as guilty of this as anyone!)

I am a worrier. I couldn't tell you why. It feels like a deep seeded issue for me. (LOL) But I never have a more vivid imagination than when I am worried about something. SO, NOW...

When things start to stress me out or make me worry, I have learned to start asking myself 

"Will this matter in a week? Month? Year? Five years?"

Most likely, the answer is 'NO!" but if it might then THOSE are the things you should actually worry about. Otherwise you have to learn to let the little things go. Life changes daily. There are no two days that are exactly the same, and you have to be willing to change with it. The same goes for your relationships. And not just boyfriends/girlfriends or husbands/wives. But family and friends as well. 

You have to know that there are two people involved and life is evolving for you both and therefore your relationship needs to have the ability to evolve with it. Some people call it growth, some call it sacrifice, some call it settling, some call it compromise.... 

Whatever you call it, doesn't really matter.

The point is simple:

We get so conditioned to believe that relationships HAVE to be a certain way, down to the steps, the receptions, etc., and I am learning that is not the way things are. Every relationship is different, but all the ones that work are also the same too. 

When I was 16 years old, working at a small diner in Garland, TX called "Babe's Chicken Dinner House", I waited on a couple in their 80's and they were being so sweet to each other.  At the end of the meal, the husband asked me for the biggest piece of pie I had because they were celebrating. I asked what the occasion was, he told me they had been married for 56 years. When I asked what the secret was he called me close down to him, so I was level with his face, pointed to his wife sitting across the table, and said, "You see my wife? Isn't she the most beautiful woman you have ever seen in your life?"

I was speechless. THAT day changed the way that I looked at love. I realized that he still saw her the way that she looked when they met. I watched them closely the rest of the meal, and they acted like 2 kids in love, playing and laughing... holding hands and blowing kisses across the table. And when they left he grabbed my hand and simply said, "You have to be willing to fight for them, even if it means fighting with yourself."

I took that to heart that day. 

You will never be able to control someone else, not even your kids! (Lord help me!)

You won't be able to control who they are, the things that they do, or say. You won't be able to make them into something they aren't or be who you want them to be. When you are in a relationship with someone you have to love and accept them for who they are and support who they want to be. You can't hope they will change, you can only help them to grow. But know this as well, you can't help someone who isn't willing to help themselves. And that isn't your fault. Your only job is to let them be who they are going to be, and do what they are going to do, and let the love that you have for them be there when and if they fall. 

The way I see relationships since my divorce are like a partnership. I want a teammate. I want someone in my corner, cheering for me, but that is also trying to take the world on with me. You need to be with someone who makes you want to be the best version of you and you need to inspire them to do the same. Supporting one another, but also giving them the space they need to flourish. And it is a hard thing to do, because our ego wants us to be the center of their universe. We want to be the most important thing in our lover's life. But just like a sports team can't be carried by one player, your relationship needs both sides to be strong as independents so that it has a foundation to grow from and the strength to support the other side if one has a moment of weakness.

We all fight. We are all different people, from different backgrounds, raised with different ideals and values, and with different dreams and aspirations. If we were all going in the same direction at the same time, life would be boring and none of us would learn anything. So when you find that person that makes you think, and makes you dream, and feel invincible.... you have to fight. You have to struggle with them, and yourself to make it work, because if you don't then it is all a waste. And you have to fight that fight forever... and know that even after the careers, and the wedding, and kids that the one thing you will still have is each other and the love that you share. 

The dentist that I worked for told me a long time ago, 

"People spend more time planning their weddings than they do their lives together."

At the time I was young and naive and I didn't fully grasp the concept of what he was telling me, but now, that I have been married and divorced... it all makes sense. 

What is a wedding? 

wed·ding

   [wed-ing]  Show IPA

noun

1.

the act or ceremony of marrying

What is a marriage?

mar·riage

   [mar-ij]  Show IPA

noun

1.      a relationship in which two people have pledged themselves to each other in the manner of a husband and wife 

Is the wedding important to us? Yes,  but your wedding is about showing people how much you love each other, and no one cares about anything else, cause 5 years from now, they won't be talking about the wedding, they will talking about the life you have lived together since then.

"The things you remember aren't how good the food was, or what the centerpieces looked like. You are going to remember the looks on each others faces when you walk down the aisle, and how you smashed cake on each other's faces after the cake cutting. You won't remember whether or not the food was perfect, or if all the bridesmaids had the same hair style. But you will remember the father-daughter dance, and his Best Man's speech."

Your relationship is the same way from your perspective. The things you should cherish about your relationship are the way he kisses your forehead to make sure you know he loves you. The nicknames you hope don't stick but do. The way that he loves your cats. The way she packs you snacks before work just in case you get hungry. The sweet notes you leave on each other's cars. Your little inside jokes. Waking up to the scent of the flowers he bought you. The new things you saw and learned together. How even after the "puppy phase" was supposed to wear off, you still get giddy every time you see each other. The times you surprised one another, just because. Finishing each other's sentences. Looking back on conversations you had about how great life was going to be, and laughing cause it is better! 

Some people would call me a hopeless romantic, but everything I listed above, is my life. And I have chosen to cherish and fight for the great things. No, my relationship is not perfect, but that doesn't mean there is any thing wrong with it. I choose to be happy. I choose to love. And I choose to be loved. And to me, all that other stuff... just makes you appreciate the good that much more. If you feel like there is something missing in your relationship, lead by example. Do for your significant other, all the things that you want them to do for you. 

"Be the change you wish to see." -Ghandi

You have just as much power to make your relationship EVERYTHING you want it to be and MORE. Fairy tale relationships CAN exist... you just have to be willing to believe in them enough to try. And by changing your perspective just a little bit, you will see an immediate difference in the path that your love takes. 

Happiness is a choice... so why would you choose anything else?!?!