There are a few things I feel the need to talk about today... partly for explanation purposes and partly just to get them off of my chest. But I will start with what happened to bring these tears to light.
I got a mildly distressed phone call from my ex husband in regards to my son, and his behavior recently. Right before I moved to LA, Tyler was diagnosed with ADHD and they were recommending medicines and all sorts of things. I am generally opposed to putting him on medicine, as I also have ADHD and have never been on any medication for it. I look at the fact that I have extra energy as a blessing because I have been able to do more than most people in very short periods of time. But I am also a female, and I know that boys have more energy and I didn't think it was fair to my ex, my family, and his family to be so objected to the meds, when they were going to be the ones taking him full time, since I was moving. So I let them make the decision. Apparently, they are having some trouble administering his medication to him, and when he isn't on it, he is acting up and it has finally gotten to the point where they are talking about suspending him from school, etc. When I got this news, I was distraught. Mostly because I feel bad that I am not there to help more. I am not there to give support. I am not there... in general.
There are hardly ANY people in my life, or at all, that understand why I moved, and left my son in Dallas. Most people think I am a selfish, self-centered person. They think that I should have put my dreams on the back burner when I had my son, and that THEY would have made a different choice. And they are right... but I tried that....
For those of you who don't know the whole story, I will give you cliff notes version:
I got pregnant and had a baby at 20, out of wedlock, and scared to death. When I found out, I never once considered giving him up or terminating the pregnancy. He was my responsibility and I would have to figure it out. And I did... tried to make a family he would be proud of, had a "normal" day job, making salary and all that. Got married, bought the house.... and I was miserable. You can't make your life into something that it isn't. You can't make someone love you who doesn't, and you can force yourself to be happy doing things, and living a life that you don't love. I was willing to forget all of the things that I wanted for myself, to give my son a better life, but the question that I kept asking myself was "If I am unhappy, how happy could he be?"
The hardest decision I had EVER had to make was breaking up my family. We were miserable... we fought all the time and it was void of any true love. We weren't together because we loved each other, we were together because of our son. It was noble, and we made a valiant effort, but when it wouldn't work, it just wouldn't work. After the split, I started to learn more and more about myself and the things that I wanted to do, and the life that I wanted to be able to provide for my kid. But most importantly, the example that I wanted to set for him in the life that he was going to lead. I am not perfect, but I could never live with myself sitting there telling him to follow all of his dreams if I hadn't done the same.
So after 4 years of being on my own, and trying to "make it work" in Dallas with very little success I was at that line again. I was working anywhere from 2-5 jobs and up to 21 hours a day trying to make ends meet while still TRYING to pursue modeling or acting by any means necessary. I was working a little bit, and things were moving, but VERY SLOWLY, and I was looking at the progress I had made in 4 years and thought I was never going to be able to make a change at this pace. I was hardly seeing my son as it was and getting nowhere quickly. I would have to make a decision... I was either going to have to give up and settle into a normal life that I was just going to have to "live with" OR I was going to have to go "all in" and really give it the effort that I had yet to be able to.
I have been in this industry for a very long time, and I know when it is time to cash in your chips, and this wasn't my time. I feel a fire burning inside of me and I know what I am capable of, and it took me realizing that to finally make a decision. People let what other people think govern so many of the decisions they make and I had done that for SO long. I came to that fork in the road, and a decision HAD to be made... and it was THE hardest decision I have EVER made.... EVER!
So what do I do....
Follow my dreams and be everything that I could be and change the life of my child and hopefully millions of others as well, but the cost is leaving him for a while and sacrificing that time knowing I will never get it back. Or stay, live the life that everyone else tells me I SHOULD be living, to give my son a mediocre life, and possibly be resentful forever.
I never wanted to leave my son. To this day, saying goodbye to him breaks my heart. Knowing that I would meet moments when I felt helpless, and angry, and regretful. Knowing that there would be times he would want or need me and I couldn't be there. Knowing that there might come a day when he chooses Texas over me. But I didn't leave him under a bridge. I didn't abandon him with a bunch of strangers. I didn't dump him off.... I spent 5 months planning the move and working it out. Tyler is in the middle of his first year of Kindergarten and everyone and everything he knows is in Dallas. It didn't make sense for me to fight to take him, and even more importantly, it wouldn't have been the right thing to do. It wouldn't have been fair for me to do that to him. I made the harder decision... the UNselfish one... leaving my son with people who love him so that I could go out an change his life.
There is no way around it.... I put my career and future above the immediate needs of my kid. But on the flip side, I also prioritized enriching the lives of millions over the life of one. What would you do?
The same could be said for people in the military, who leave their families to protect the best interest of people they don't know, and they have the possibility of death to consider. I am not saying I am a martyr who deserves the same respect, but what I am saying is there are plenty of people who choose to do good for more.... more people, more lives, and a bigger purpose.
Most people think I am delusional, that my dreams are outrageous, and that it is silly to believe that I have a chance to be all the things I say I will. Maybe I am... but for every person that has made it, there was a lifetime of people telling them they were crazy, and would fail. And the one common trait in every single one of them is that we are ALL a little bit crazy. You would have to be to make it in this industry or even to believe that you have a shot. But to overcome the obstacles, and actually break through that ceiling and prove everyone of them wrong IS how you make the difference. It is how I grow stronger every day. It is what keeps me going, KNOWING that one day I will look back at this and LAUGH.
I am not trying to be an actress because I want to be famous. I am no Kim Kardashian.
I want to do this because I was blessed with the talent to do it, and the drive to make it happen. I was born with the innate ability to captivate an audience, and make people listen. I have everything it takes, PLUS a work ethic to make it happen. And to make it would change everything. I would be able to give my son everything he has ever needed. I would be able to see him whenever I wanted, and watch him flourish. And maybe, just maybe, I can change even more lives than just his. Maybe I can inspire someone else to try and change the world too. Maybe I can beat the odds, despite my situation, and be the best version of myself. Maybe I can show people that with enough drive, and enough belief, you can do ANYTHING. And maybe the person I want to see that the most... is my son.
What if the only way to SHOW your kid how to do that was to do it yourself?
Would you?
Would you sacrifice a little bit of time with your child if it could change their life?
If you weren't in your OWN way, would you say no to your dream?
Do people think I am a bad mother for leaving him... yes. Do people think I am stupid for trying to do what I came out here to do... sure. But what will they be saying if I am able to do all of the things I said I was going to...
nothing.
I am very lucky that I have people to help with my son so I could come out here and do this, regardless of how they felt about it. He has a father who loves him, and a family who cares for him in my absence. If he didn't I would have brought him with me. I am glad he has the support that I don't, and I wouldn't have it any other way. He needs it more than I do, and the time away from his serves as fuel to my fire.
You don't have to understand my decision, and you don't have to like it. You can judge me and think poorly of me all you want. I knew it would happen and planned for it. The reason I am upset is not because I care what you think of me, it is because I care what my son thinks of me. I don't want to let him down. And because of that, I know I won't. I am going to be someone that he is proud to call his Mom! And maybe I was that to him before... and maybe I would have always been that, no matter what. But I would never be able to live with myself if I somehow put a limit on what he was going to be able to do in his life, and how happy he would be, by doing the same to myself.
Maybe you can live with that...
But I can't!
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