I had a really interesting question from a good friend of mine spawn the idea behind today's entry. She asked me, "Would you rather have the people who love you at your wedding or decor?" And the amazing thing to me was that she thought the question was retarded. My answer was simple, "It is about you; nobody will remember the decor except through pictures." But as I sat and pondered what she was going through, planning her wedding and trying to make everything come together in the final few weeks, I started to think about all the things that matter in relationships and how realizing what is important has helped me through some interesting changes in my own.
I wrote her another response, but instead of just copy and pasting it, I am going to elaborate on some things that I have learned and how I genuinely think that most people FUCK UP their love lives. (and please know I am just as guilty of this as anyone!)
I am a worrier. I couldn't tell you why. It feels like a deep seeded issue for me. (LOL) But I never have a more vivid imagination than when I am worried about something. SO, NOW...
When things start to stress me out or make me worry, I have learned to start asking myself
"Will this matter in a week? Month? Year? Five years?"
Most likely, the answer is 'NO!" but if it might then THOSE are the things you should actually worry about. Otherwise you have to learn to let the little things go. Life changes daily. There are no two days that are exactly the same, and you have to be willing to change with it. The same goes for your relationships. And not just boyfriends/girlfriends or husbands/wives. But family and friends as well.
You have to know that there are two people involved and life is evolving for you both and therefore your relationship needs to have the ability to evolve with it. Some people call it growth, some call it sacrifice, some call it settling, some call it compromise....
Whatever you call it, doesn't really matter.
The point is simple:
We get so conditioned to believe that relationships HAVE to be a certain way, down to the steps, the receptions, etc., and I am learning that is not the way things are. Every relationship is different, but all the ones that work are also the same too.
When I was 16 years old, working at a small diner in Garland, TX called "Babe's Chicken Dinner House", I waited on a couple in their 80's and they were being so sweet to each other. At the end of the meal, the husband asked me for the biggest piece of pie I had because they were celebrating. I asked what the occasion was, he told me they had been married for 56 years. When I asked what the secret was he called me close down to him, so I was level with his face, pointed to his wife sitting across the table, and said, "You see my wife? Isn't she the most beautiful woman you have ever seen in your life?"
I was speechless. THAT day changed the way that I looked at love. I realized that he still saw her the way that she looked when they met. I watched them closely the rest of the meal, and they acted like 2 kids in love, playing and laughing... holding hands and blowing kisses across the table. And when they left he grabbed my hand and simply said, "You have to be willing to fight for them, even if it means fighting with yourself."
I took that to heart that day.
You will never be able to control someone else, not even your kids! (Lord help me!)
You won't be able to control who they are, the things that they do, or say. You won't be able to make them into something they aren't or be who you want them to be. When you are in a relationship with someone you have to love and accept them for who they are and support who they want to be. You can't hope they will change, you can only help them to grow. But know this as well, you can't help someone who isn't willing to help themselves. And that isn't your fault. Your only job is to let them be who they are going to be, and do what they are going to do, and let the love that you have for them be there when and if they fall.
The way I see relationships since my divorce are like a partnership. I want a teammate. I want someone in my corner, cheering for me, but that is also trying to take the world on with me. You need to be with someone who makes you want to be the best version of you and you need to inspire them to do the same. Supporting one another, but also giving them the space they need to flourish. And it is a hard thing to do, because our ego wants us to be the center of their universe. We want to be the most important thing in our lover's life. But just like a sports team can't be carried by one player, your relationship needs both sides to be strong as independents so that it has a foundation to grow from and the strength to support the other side if one has a moment of weakness.
We all fight. We are all different people, from different backgrounds, raised with different ideals and values, and with different dreams and aspirations. If we were all going in the same direction at the same time, life would be boring and none of us would learn anything. So when you find that person that makes you think, and makes you dream, and feel invincible.... you have to fight. You have to struggle with them, and yourself to make it work, because if you don't then it is all a waste. And you have to fight that fight forever... and know that even after the careers, and the wedding, and kids that the one thing you will still have is each other and the love that you share.
The dentist that I worked for told me a long time ago,
"People spend more time planning their weddings than they do their lives together."
At the time I was young and naive and I didn't fully grasp the concept of what he was telling me, but now, that I have been married and divorced... it all makes sense.
What is a wedding?
wed·ding
[wed-ing] Show IPA
noun
1.
the act or ceremony of marrying
What is a marriage?
mar·riage
[mar-ij] Show IPA
noun
1. a relationship in which two people have pledged themselves to each other in the manner of a husband and wife
Is the wedding important to us? Yes, but your wedding is about showing people how much you love each other, and no one cares about anything else, cause 5 years from now, they won't be talking about the wedding, they will talking about the life you have lived together since then.
"The things you remember aren't how good the food was, or what the centerpieces looked like. You are going to remember the looks on each others faces when you walk down the aisle, and how you smashed cake on each other's faces after the cake cutting. You won't remember whether or not the food was perfect, or if all the bridesmaids had the same hair style. But you will remember the father-daughter dance, and his Best Man's speech."
Your relationship is the same way from your perspective. The things you should cherish about your relationship are the way he kisses your forehead to make sure you know he loves you. The nicknames you hope don't stick but do. The way that he loves your cats. The way she packs you snacks before work just in case you get hungry. The sweet notes you leave on each other's cars. Your little inside jokes. Waking up to the scent of the flowers he bought you. The new things you saw and learned together. How even after the "puppy phase" was supposed to wear off, you still get giddy every time you see each other. The times you surprised one another, just because. Finishing each other's sentences. Looking back on conversations you had about how great life was going to be, and laughing cause it is better!
Some people would call me a hopeless romantic, but everything I listed above, is my life. And I have chosen to cherish and fight for the great things. No, my relationship is not perfect, but that doesn't mean there is any thing wrong with it. I choose to be happy. I choose to love. And I choose to be loved. And to me, all that other stuff... just makes you appreciate the good that much more. If you feel like there is something missing in your relationship, lead by example. Do for your significant other, all the things that you want them to do for you.
"Be the change you wish to see." -Ghandi
You have just as much power to make your relationship EVERYTHING you want it to be and MORE. Fairy tale relationships CAN exist... you just have to be willing to believe in them enough to try. And by changing your perspective just a little bit, you will see an immediate difference in the path that your love takes.
Happiness is a choice... so why would you choose anything else?!?!
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