There is not a person on this Earth that can say they are free from ever judging someone else. We do it on a daily, likely hourly, basis.
"Oh, she is way too fat to be wearing that."
"Look at that homeless guy... he is probably a drug addict."
"That child is so misbehaved, their parents need to step it up."
On a much larger scale:
"That man murdered innocent people... he is insane."
"The crime rate in that area is terrible, so it must be full of thugs."
He's a...
She's a....
They are....
But when was the last time you turned the microscope on yourself??
When was the last time you wondered what other people thought of you?
When was the last time you questioned...
I AM _____?
I recently started acting classes with one of the most amazing women I have ever met, Diana Castle. She not only reached me on a professional level, but eve on the first night, she changed me and my personal self forever.
One of the things that Diana talks about the most, and I won't give away too much cause you should pay her to tell you, is the "I AM"!
This is my "JOB" as an actor... to "be" another person and be able to see the world through their eyes and be affected by their influences. I have to be willing to let go of MY ideas of life and my personal opinions and beliefs and let myself enter an alternative life.... completely.
I have learned that there is a victim and a victimizer in all of us; it's just the level at which we allow ourselves to be the victim or the extent that we are willing to victimize someone else that seems to separate how we view the severity. And based on the severity, we place ourselves on the same scale and determine whether or not we think we are better than another person.
Now what does that have to do with my personal life? Everything. Learning to become more empathetic as an actor, has had the same effect on me personally. The deeper I grow in my craft, the more I feel broadened as a person. It has helped me heal a few wounds that I knew needed resolution, and brought up a few that I thought were moved on from!
I will explain....
In class we are given "stories" to work on. I think we call them stories because calling them 'scripts' brings attention to the words. We aren't trying to recite lines... we are trying to relive lives.
There are these two very talented young ladies working on an intense play, a piece called 'Ruined' by Lynn Nottage. It was written to raise awareness to a real world problems in countries like Africa, and won a Pulitzer Prize in 2009.
^^The breakdown of the play for your own viewing pleasure.... there are pictures!! **
It is written from the perspective of the women in the Congo while they were abducted, imprisoned, and brutally raped and terrorized by the soldiers during the war. Many of them were torn away from their homes, and families and thrown into a world where "rape was used as a weapon", and "their bodies became the battlefield." This left most of the women ostracized for being 'tainted' and many of them were so scarred they were no longer able to have children. She also talks in the Preface about how many of the boys/men who were oppressing these women, were also victims of war, violence, terror and even rape, leaving some of them so damaged that they would never be able to recover from the mental trauma they received prior to the terror they would go on to cause.
THIS is when MY breakdown, and then immediate revelation happened!!
Sparing you the details, I was raped my junior year of high school. I was 17 years old... and here we are 10 years later. I can openly talk about it, if asked, and even feel the urge TO share my story in an attempt to help others cope with something similar, or to have a better understanding of it. It doesn't haunt me anymore... I am no longer hurting or angry. I found peace with it, accepted it, and was able to successfully move forward from it. When I heard the real life accounts of the tragedy happening in this world, which we all know exists but choose to ignore, it unearthed so many emotions that I almost lost it in the middle of class.
I immediately felt so grateful. I had been raped but was still able to have a child. I could never even fathom the possibility of the other alternative. To not have my son in my life would be the most devastating thing I could ever imagine going through. Just the thought of it now is making me have to choke back tears. But that is to be expected... that child is my life.
The thing I didn't expect was what came next... pity. In hearing what the men went through prior to becoming mortal terrorists, suddenly I felt bad for the guy that took advantage of me. I saw it from a completely different perspective, and it was as if I was magically calmed from the inside. This strange sense of peace came over me and I wept... for him.
I don't believe that he went through anything remotely comparable to the men she was describing to me, and it in no way justifies it, but with my new 'empathetic' outlook, I had a better understanding. I had answers to questions that had previously been left blank. And although I also know that what I experienced paled in comparison to those women as well, I felt closure about it for the first time in a decade.
I realized that though I had recovered from the events that took place that night, it was like I had broken a bone, and it had healed, but wasn't set properly. This moment was not a breakdown, but a necessary breaking of bone so that I could reset it and have it heal correctly.
I won't get on a high horse, but I count my blessings daily. This time in my life has been the most liberating experience, and I try not to take one minute for granted. I am doing things I never thought that I could ever do. I have been able to change the thought from:
I can't... to...
I could... to...
I should... to...
I DID!!
I have fought with this constant fear of never being good enough. I have worried day in, and day out what people thought of me and the things that I was making or creating. I didn't realize until recently how debilitating it has been to me. It has truly held me back in more ways than I am probably even aware of. But in the becoming aware of it, I was able to stop the chain, and in the healing, I have begun to accept the fact that I will never be able to make everyone happy. I will never be able to please everyone's taste. In fact, it is possible that I might not be able to do it for even ONE person. So knowing that, I should just focus on making myself happy, and creating honest work that I believe in. If I can do that, then releasing it into the world won't be a fearful event, but a joyous one. And while others are deciding whether they love or hate it.... I am going to go on creating. (thanks Andy Warhol)
If you are an actor, friend or otherwise, and are looking to grow.... please check out Diana and what she is doing at the Imagined Life Theater. Even if you aren't in the LA area or are attending somewhere else, her lectures can be purchased on the site, and on CD. They will help you grow and be more than you ever thought possible. I know... I am blessed enough to be able to experience it every week.
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