Fool In Love- by Rihanna
When I first heard this song, I was moved, to say the least. There was something about the song that hit me in a place much deeper than I expected from a "silly pop" song. I shared it with several friends of mine, and although their reactions may not have all been as deep as mine was, there was a unanimous agreement that that song was phenomenal. And I will say that it brought more than one of them to tears, me included.
Since it is the bonus track, on the deluxe edition of her album, you can't find it anywhere online, UNLESS you buy it, and they have yet to release it as a single. With the growing respect I had for the song, and the vocal that Rihanna lays down on it, I was scared to cover it, but I thought, there is no way that I can't share this. The song tells such a common story of not living up to the expectations set for us, and the communion we must come into about either fighting it, or accepting it. I have fought this battle every day of my life, for as long as I can remember. But I will get back to that!
When I actually decided to cover the song, my life was in a much different place, with very different people around me. I had everyone on board that I needed to make this happen, and one day when I got home, I felt moved by it, and made a video (totally out of order, I KNOW!) Sparing you all the stressful or gory details, what I thought was going to be a simple little cover project hit some SERIOUS speed bumps... so much so that I thought I was going to have to shelve it all together and forget about it entirely. But after some time passed and dust settled, I stumbled upon the video that I made... and was again, impacted. I thought, I only have two choices:
1. I make one last stitch effort to complete this
or
2. I move on from it completely.
I chose the former. And I am so glad that I did. I reached out to some familiar and not so familiar people and somehow, we made it happen. And not only is it finally finished, it is even better than I could have even imagined. I am actually proud of the product, but I am even prouder of myself. I overcame some HUGE mountains to do what I needed to do, which was sing the shit out of it. Sounds easy, right??
Well, now we get back to my battles with being perfect. One day in the beginning stages of this project, my friend Solomon and I are sitting in my apartment trying to figure out how to re-make the track from scratch (speed bump #1) and he asks me to sing it. I FREEZE. I mean, I realized that truly, other than the video, which was practically done, singing was literally my only job... and I couldn't do it. I proceed to have a full on break down in my kitchen like a 5 year old. Then I realized something miraculous...
Sol said to me, "Why are you trying to be perfect, Jess?! Fuck up... I WANT you to fuck up!" But I couldn't. I had spent my entire life trying to be this idea I have of perfect that I thought I needed to be to please everyone, but more specifically my family, and most specifically my Dad! I am not going to sit here and make him out to be a bad guy, because that is completely false. Yes, we have had our fair share of problems, but I can reflect back on what I am about to tell you, knowing NOW how much it affected me, and how the amount of respect that I have for him, magnified my reaction to it.
When I was 15 years old, and just getting through the first year of my blossoming modeling career, my Dad, who was a singer/songwriter/musician his entire life before children, said to me, "You are not the best singer, you are not the best dancer and there are millions of other girls out there who are more beautiful and more talented than you, and they never make it."
In one sentence my entire life crashed down around me. Every hope and dream was weighted. Every wish left unfulfilled. From that point forward, ever insecurity I felt was larger and every accomplishment should have been greater. There was no point in which I ever saw myself and what I was doing, and was happy enough with it to be completely proud of it. In hindsight, and with over 10 years to reflect on that sentence, and sit with it, I know what he was trying to say. I understand the point he was trying to make, but at 15 I didn't grasp it. All I heard was that my Daddy didn't believe in me. And since he was a singer, it was the thing that stuck with me the most.
Fast forward to my kitchen, and me in the fetal position crying like a baby... I was able to look up and realize for the first time in a decade and see the monster I had been subconsciously battling with. Put THAT fear into a recording studio.... HOLY SHIT! Sweating, shaking, and on the verge of an anxiety attack. However, with a helpful hand and boost of confidence, I was able to get it out. It's not perfect, but it is real, and I cannot believe that I was able to look that beast in the face and fight back.
As my life and career have progressed and my Dad has expressed more and more concern with my choices and his disapproval of them, it intensified my reaction to this song and how deeply I felt a connection to it. SO when you listen to this song, and you watch the video, you need to know that when I fight tears and fail, it isn't about a boy.... it is about my Dad.
"Papa, did I let you down? Are you ashamed of how your little girl turned out?"
So, yes, originally I wanted to do this song to prove to my Dad that I could do everything he told me that I couldn't, but I actually ended up proving it to myself. Which is really much more important anyway. I know my Dad loves me and only wants what he believes is best for me, and he can't be slighted for that. Having a child of my own has made me understand this more than ever. We never want to see our children hurt, especially by the same things that may have hurt us. And he's not wrong... I am not the best singer, or dancer, best looking, or most talented... There ARE millions of other people out there, around every corner that might have me beat on almost every level, but not a single one of them has what I have to offer. And I am willing to bet not one of them can match my work ethic, drive, and fight for what I want. And as crushed as my Dad's statement may have made me feel at times, it is also part of the reason I am so motivated.
So now, I take that same sentence that has made me feel so defeated for so long and say, "BRING IT ON!" because like the song says,
"I'm willing to look so stupid til I've had enough"
and I promise that day isn't coming anytime soon!
And I love you, Dad!
And I love you, Dad!
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