I have been crying for the bulk of today!

There are a few things I feel the need to talk about today... partly for explanation purposes and partly just to get them off of my chest. But I will start with what happened to bring these tears to light.

I got a mildly distressed phone call from my ex husband in regards to my son, and his behavior recently. Right before I moved to LA, Tyler was diagnosed with ADHD and they were recommending medicines and all sorts of things. I am generally opposed to putting him on medicine, as I also have ADHD and have never been on any medication for it. I look at the fact that I have extra energy as a blessing because I have been able to do more than most people in very short periods of time. But I am also a female, and I know that boys have more energy and I didn't think it was fair to my ex, my family, and his family to be so objected to the meds, when they were going to be the ones taking him full time, since I was moving. So I let them make the decision. Apparently, they are having some trouble administering his medication to him, and when he isn't on it, he is acting up and it has finally gotten to the point where they are talking about suspending him from school, etc. When I got this news, I was distraught. Mostly because I feel bad that I am not there to help more. I am not there to give support. I am not there... in general. 

There are hardly ANY people in my life, or at all, that understand why I moved, and left my son in Dallas. Most people think I am a selfish, self-centered person. They think that I should have put my dreams on the back burner when I had my son, and that THEY would have made a different choice. And they are right... but I tried that....

For those of you who don't know the whole story, I will give you cliff notes version:

I got pregnant and had a baby at 20, out of wedlock, and scared to death. When I found out, I never once considered giving him up or terminating the pregnancy. He was my responsibility and I would have to figure it out. And I did... tried to make a family he would be proud of, had a "normal" day job, making salary and all that. Got married, bought the house.... and I was miserable. You can't make your life into something that it isn't. You can't make someone love you who doesn't, and you can force yourself to be happy doing things, and living a life that you don't love. I was willing to forget all of the things that I wanted for myself, to give my son a better life, but the question that I kept asking myself was "If I am unhappy, how happy could he be?"

The hardest decision I had EVER had to make was breaking up my family. We were miserable... we fought all the time and it was void of any true love. We weren't together because we loved each other, we were together because of our son. It was noble, and we made a valiant effort, but when it wouldn't work, it just wouldn't work. After the split, I started to learn more and more about myself and the things that I wanted to do, and the life that I wanted to be able to provide for my kid. But most importantly, the example that I wanted to set for him in the life that he was going to lead. I am not perfect, but I could never live with myself sitting there telling him to follow all of his dreams if I hadn't done the same. 

So after 4 years of being on my own, and trying to "make it work" in Dallas with very little success I was at that line again. I was working anywhere from 2-5 jobs and up to 21 hours a day trying to make ends meet while still TRYING to pursue modeling or acting by any means necessary. I was working a little bit, and things were moving, but VERY SLOWLY, and I was looking at the progress I had made in 4 years and thought I was never going to be able to make a change at this pace. I was hardly seeing my son as it was and getting nowhere quickly. I would have to make a decision... I was either going to have to give up and settle into a normal life that I was just going to have to "live with" OR I was going to have to go "all in" and really give it the effort that I had yet to be able to. 

I have been in this industry for a very long time, and I know when it is time to cash in your chips, and this wasn't my time. I feel a fire burning inside of me and I know what I am capable of, and it took me realizing that to finally make a decision. People let what other people think govern so many of the decisions they make and I had done that for SO long. I came to that fork in the road, and a decision HAD to be made... and it was THE hardest decision I have EVER made.... EVER!

So what do I do....

 Follow my dreams and be everything that I could be and change the life of my child and hopefully millions of others as well, but the cost is leaving him for a while and sacrificing that time knowing I will never get it back. Or stay, live the life that everyone else tells me I SHOULD be living, to give my son a mediocre life, and possibly be resentful forever.

I never wanted to leave my son. To this day, saying goodbye to him breaks my heart. Knowing that I would meet moments when I felt helpless, and angry, and regretful. Knowing that there would be times he would want or need me and I couldn't be there. Knowing that there might come a day when he chooses Texas over me. But I didn't leave him under a bridge. I didn't abandon him with a bunch of strangers. I didn't dump him off.... I spent 5 months planning the move and working it out. Tyler is in the middle of his first year of Kindergarten and everyone and everything he knows is in Dallas. It didn't make sense for me to fight to take him, and even more importantly, it wouldn't have been the right thing to do. It wouldn't have been fair for me to do that to him. I made the harder decision... the UNselfish one... leaving my son with people who love him so that I could go out an change his life. 

There is no way around it.... I put my career and future above the immediate needs of my kid. But on the flip side, I also prioritized enriching the lives of millions over the life of one. What would you do?

The same could be said for people in the military, who leave their families to protect the best interest of people they don't know, and they have the possibility of death to consider. I am not saying I am a martyr who deserves the same respect, but what I am saying is there are plenty of people who choose to do good for more.... more people, more lives, and a bigger purpose. 

Most people think I am delusional, that my dreams are outrageous, and that it is silly to believe that I have a chance to be all the things I say I will. Maybe I am... but for every person that has made it, there was a lifetime of people telling them they were crazy, and would fail. And the one common trait in every single one of them is that we are ALL a little bit crazy. You would have to be to make it in this industry or even to believe that you have a shot. But to overcome the obstacles, and actually break through that ceiling and prove everyone of them wrong IS how you make the difference. It is how I grow stronger every day. It is what keeps me going, KNOWING that one day I will look back at this and LAUGH. 

I am not trying to be an actress because I want to be famous. I am no Kim Kardashian.

I want to do this because I was blessed with the talent to do it, and the drive to make it happen. I was born with the innate ability to captivate an audience, and make people listen. I have everything it takes, PLUS a work ethic to make it happen. And to make it would change everything. I would be able to give my son everything he has ever needed. I would be able to see him whenever I wanted, and watch him flourish. And maybe, just maybe, I can change even more lives than just his. Maybe I can inspire someone else to try and change the world too. Maybe I can beat the odds, despite my situation, and be the best version of myself. Maybe I can show people that with enough drive, and enough belief, you can do ANYTHING. And maybe the person I want to see that the most... is my son. 

What if the only way to SHOW your kid how to do that was to do it yourself?

Would you?

Would you sacrifice a little bit of time with your child if it could change their life?

If you weren't in your OWN way, would you say no to your dream?

Do people think I am a bad mother for leaving him... yes. Do people think I am stupid for trying to do what I came out here to do... sure. But what will they be saying if I am able to do all of the things I said I was going to... 

nothing. 

I am very lucky that I have people to help with my son so I could come out here and do this, regardless of how they felt about it. He has a father who loves him, and a family who cares for him in my absence. If he didn't I would have brought him with me. I am glad he has the support that I don't, and I wouldn't have it any other way. He needs it more than I do, and the time away from his serves as fuel to my fire. 

You don't have to understand my decision, and you don't have to like it. You can judge me and think poorly of me all you want. I knew it would happen and planned for it. The reason I am upset is not because I care what you think of me, it is because I care what my son thinks of me. I don't want to let him down. And because of that, I know I won't. I am going to be someone that he is proud to call his Mom! And maybe I was that to him before... and maybe I would have always been that, no matter what. But I would never be able to live with myself if I somehow put a limit on what he was going to be able to do in his life, and how happy he would be, by doing the same to myself. 

Maybe you can live with that...

But I can't!

A few bits of knowledge I have learned about LOVE!

I had a really interesting question from a good friend of mine spawn the idea behind today's entry. She asked me, "Would you rather have the people who love you at your wedding or decor?" And the amazing thing to me was that she thought the question was retarded. My answer was simple, "It is about you; nobody will remember the decor except through pictures." But as I sat and pondered what she was going through, planning her wedding and trying to make everything come together in the final few weeks, I started to think about all the things that matter in relationships and how realizing what is important has helped me through some interesting changes in my own.

I wrote her another response, but instead of just copy and pasting it, I am going to elaborate on some things that I have learned and how I genuinely think that most people FUCK UP their love lives. (and please know I am just as guilty of this as anyone!)

I am a worrier. I couldn't tell you why. It feels like a deep seeded issue for me. (LOL) But I never have a more vivid imagination than when I am worried about something. SO, NOW...

When things start to stress me out or make me worry, I have learned to start asking myself 

"Will this matter in a week? Month? Year? Five years?"

Most likely, the answer is 'NO!" but if it might then THOSE are the things you should actually worry about. Otherwise you have to learn to let the little things go. Life changes daily. There are no two days that are exactly the same, and you have to be willing to change with it. The same goes for your relationships. And not just boyfriends/girlfriends or husbands/wives. But family and friends as well. 

You have to know that there are two people involved and life is evolving for you both and therefore your relationship needs to have the ability to evolve with it. Some people call it growth, some call it sacrifice, some call it settling, some call it compromise.... 

Whatever you call it, doesn't really matter.

The point is simple:

We get so conditioned to believe that relationships HAVE to be a certain way, down to the steps, the receptions, etc., and I am learning that is not the way things are. Every relationship is different, but all the ones that work are also the same too. 

When I was 16 years old, working at a small diner in Garland, TX called "Babe's Chicken Dinner House", I waited on a couple in their 80's and they were being so sweet to each other.  At the end of the meal, the husband asked me for the biggest piece of pie I had because they were celebrating. I asked what the occasion was, he told me they had been married for 56 years. When I asked what the secret was he called me close down to him, so I was level with his face, pointed to his wife sitting across the table, and said, "You see my wife? Isn't she the most beautiful woman you have ever seen in your life?"

I was speechless. THAT day changed the way that I looked at love. I realized that he still saw her the way that she looked when they met. I watched them closely the rest of the meal, and they acted like 2 kids in love, playing and laughing... holding hands and blowing kisses across the table. And when they left he grabbed my hand and simply said, "You have to be willing to fight for them, even if it means fighting with yourself."

I took that to heart that day. 

You will never be able to control someone else, not even your kids! (Lord help me!)

You won't be able to control who they are, the things that they do, or say. You won't be able to make them into something they aren't or be who you want them to be. When you are in a relationship with someone you have to love and accept them for who they are and support who they want to be. You can't hope they will change, you can only help them to grow. But know this as well, you can't help someone who isn't willing to help themselves. And that isn't your fault. Your only job is to let them be who they are going to be, and do what they are going to do, and let the love that you have for them be there when and if they fall. 

The way I see relationships since my divorce are like a partnership. I want a teammate. I want someone in my corner, cheering for me, but that is also trying to take the world on with me. You need to be with someone who makes you want to be the best version of you and you need to inspire them to do the same. Supporting one another, but also giving them the space they need to flourish. And it is a hard thing to do, because our ego wants us to be the center of their universe. We want to be the most important thing in our lover's life. But just like a sports team can't be carried by one player, your relationship needs both sides to be strong as independents so that it has a foundation to grow from and the strength to support the other side if one has a moment of weakness.

We all fight. We are all different people, from different backgrounds, raised with different ideals and values, and with different dreams and aspirations. If we were all going in the same direction at the same time, life would be boring and none of us would learn anything. So when you find that person that makes you think, and makes you dream, and feel invincible.... you have to fight. You have to struggle with them, and yourself to make it work, because if you don't then it is all a waste. And you have to fight that fight forever... and know that even after the careers, and the wedding, and kids that the one thing you will still have is each other and the love that you share. 

The dentist that I worked for told me a long time ago, 

"People spend more time planning their weddings than they do their lives together."

At the time I was young and naive and I didn't fully grasp the concept of what he was telling me, but now, that I have been married and divorced... it all makes sense. 

What is a wedding? 

wed·ding

   [wed-ing]  Show IPA

noun

1.

the act or ceremony of marrying

What is a marriage?

mar·riage

   [mar-ij]  Show IPA

noun

1.      a relationship in which two people have pledged themselves to each other in the manner of a husband and wife 

Is the wedding important to us? Yes,  but your wedding is about showing people how much you love each other, and no one cares about anything else, cause 5 years from now, they won't be talking about the wedding, they will talking about the life you have lived together since then.

"The things you remember aren't how good the food was, or what the centerpieces looked like. You are going to remember the looks on each others faces when you walk down the aisle, and how you smashed cake on each other's faces after the cake cutting. You won't remember whether or not the food was perfect, or if all the bridesmaids had the same hair style. But you will remember the father-daughter dance, and his Best Man's speech."

Your relationship is the same way from your perspective. The things you should cherish about your relationship are the way he kisses your forehead to make sure you know he loves you. The nicknames you hope don't stick but do. The way that he loves your cats. The way she packs you snacks before work just in case you get hungry. The sweet notes you leave on each other's cars. Your little inside jokes. Waking up to the scent of the flowers he bought you. The new things you saw and learned together. How even after the "puppy phase" was supposed to wear off, you still get giddy every time you see each other. The times you surprised one another, just because. Finishing each other's sentences. Looking back on conversations you had about how great life was going to be, and laughing cause it is better! 

Some people would call me a hopeless romantic, but everything I listed above, is my life. And I have chosen to cherish and fight for the great things. No, my relationship is not perfect, but that doesn't mean there is any thing wrong with it. I choose to be happy. I choose to love. And I choose to be loved. And to me, all that other stuff... just makes you appreciate the good that much more. If you feel like there is something missing in your relationship, lead by example. Do for your significant other, all the things that you want them to do for you. 

"Be the change you wish to see." -Ghandi

You have just as much power to make your relationship EVERYTHING you want it to be and MORE. Fairy tale relationships CAN exist... you just have to be willing to believe in them enough to try. And by changing your perspective just a little bit, you will see an immediate difference in the path that your love takes. 

Happiness is a choice... so why would you choose anything else?!?!

  

What to Eat Wednesdays: Fish Tacos w/ fresh mango salsa, & Cilantro Lime Rice

What To Eat Wednesdays:

Every week there will be a new recipe that adheres to the following 5 guidelines:

1. Easy

2. Healthy

3. Delicious

4. Inexpensive

5. Under 500 calories/ serving

I will also include alterations for specialty diets (upon request):

-Vegetarian, Vegan and Gluten Free options.

TODAY: HEALTHY FISH TACOS

One of my favorite things in the WORLD are Fish Tacos. And mango salsa just happens to top it off SOO well! So, this is a healthy option for amazing fish tacos that are tasty and easy to make in the comfort of your own home.

Prep Time: 10 min

Cook Time: 15 min

Serves: 4 fish tacos

Cost: Under $25 (I forgot my receipt... again!)

Your shopping list this week includes:

Tilapia filets (or any white fish that you like)
Tortillas (I used flour, cause I like them better)
1 mango
1 small white or red onion
Minced Garlic (or 1 garlic clove, minced)
Lemon juice
2 roma tomatoes, or 1 lg tomato
Fresh Cilantro, 1 bundle
1 whole jalapeno
1 sm habanero (optional)
Honey
Cabbage, or lettuce
Favorite seasonings
1 bag Cilantro Lime Rice (frozen food section) or you can make your own... I have done both. --Making it from scratch tastes better, but takes a bit longer. You can also just "spruce" up the bagged rice if you are short on time.
Plain Greek Yogurt- for dressing

SO here we go!!!! 

You want to start by prepping the mango salsa. This takes the longest, and you want to give the flavors time to develop. You could even do this the night before if you want. There will be left over salsa, and it does get spicier the longer it sits. SO GOOD!

Alright.

One mango diced
1/2 small red or white onion diced
2 tomatoes diced
1 clove garlic minced
2 jalapenos diced
1 habanero - optional (I like it spicy)
tbsp spoon honey
salt & pepper to taste
hand full of cilantro- chopped

Mix it all together! And place it in the refrigerator until the meal is done. If you still feel like it is missing something, lemon or lime juice and garlic salt usually does the trick!

Heat a pan on med/high and spray with non stick spray. Season fish as you like. I used Ms. Dash spicy, and lemon pepper. Then sprinkled a little bit of sea salt. Put 2 tbsp of lemon juice in the pan and add fish filets. Sear on both sides for 5 minutes.

Lower heat to med., add a little more lemon juice to coat pan, and cover. Keep covered and continue to cook for 5-10 min, or until fish is browned and flakes when forked.

While fish is simmering, cook rice by directions on bag. Once cooked, add a little bit of lime or lemon juice, and garlic salt. Maybe a little bit of butter if you like.  Cover and simmer until fish is thoroughly cooked.

Heat tortillas on skillet just to warm them on both sides.

I like to add a little strip of honey to the tortillas before I put the fish on. This is for 2 reasons: 1. It helps hold the fish in place, and 2. it makes it sweet and spicy, which keeps it tasting light and fresh. DELICIOUS!

Take fish filet and place in strips or chunks on tortilla over honey. 1 filet per 2 tacos. 

I made them 2 different ways...

The first way was less "green", by just putting the fish in the tortilla, topping with the mango salsa and a little bit of greek yogurt in place of sour cream. 

The second way is to take a cup of lettuce or cabbage. I used Arugula because I like the texture. Put 1tbsp greek yogurt, 1 tsp of lemon juice and a little bit of seasoning (even salt and pepper) and toss lettuce/cabbage and place over fish and salsa. 

You can also take the same "dressing" you tossed the cabbage in, and use it as a dipping sauce, and it is amazing. Add 1/4 cup of rice, and top with a little more mango salsa, and you have yourself a DELICIOUS meal. I loved every bite of this. 

 For just the tacos (w/ no Greek yogurt):

Serv. 2 tacos

428 calories, 5g fat, 70g carbs, 29.75g protein

2 tacos w/ 1/4 cup of rice (no Greek yogurt):

 464 calories, 5.65g fat, 77g carbs, 30g protein

Just tacos w/2 tbsp Greek yogurt:

440 calories, 5g fat, 71g carbs, 32g protein

2 tacos w/ 1/4cup of rice and Greek yogurt:

476 calories, 5.65g fat, 78g carbs, 32.65g protein

You could also opt for a low carb version, and scrap either the rice or the tortillas, or BOTH! :) If you are watching your sugar, lose the honey, and if you don't eat dairy, drop the yogurt. But this is a very good recipe, flexible and easy to modify if you need to. 

HAPPY EATING!

I am constantly looking for requests on either a previous meal I have cooked or one you would just like me to try. Or I am ALWAYS up for a CHALLENGE. There is no limit... ask away!!