Just letting the thoughts flow...

In the last month or so, there has been a lot on my mind... the good, the bad, the fantastic, the tragic... all of it. Life has seemed to present itself to me in such a beautiful way that I am seeing the dance that is necessary between the hard times and the good. I am truly accepting that I can't see the light without the darkness... the stars don't show in the daytime. But this is true withIN each of us as well.

I have taken great advantage of and disrespected the journey I've been on through this life I am living. I have found myself angry, resentful, sad, and even wishing there were times I could go back and do over. We all have. What I realized recently was something that changed my perspective on everything.... everything that has happened, is happening, and will come to be.

A full lifetime can be found in EVERY moment. I have come see that most of my adult life, I have not been PRESENT. I've been either dwelling on the past, or fantasizing about the future. How can I make tomorrow different than yesterday?? But, WHAT ABOUT TODAY!?!?

A couple of weeks ago I had the opportunity to go to Mexico for a friend's wedding, and made a pact with myself on the plane that I would relish every moment. I made a commitment to stay present, and to be there for each minute as if it were the only one I would get. What I realized was astonishing!

To give you a little back story... I have 3 jobs, and leading up to the trip, I had worked 29 days in a row, which includes an average of 4 doubles a week. Needless to say, I don't take off much. So when I got back home from this trip, people were obviously inquiring about my much needed weekend away. I found myself telling a story that in real time was about 3 or 4 minutes, but took me 20 min to talk about because I was so stimulated by everything around me. All my senses had perked up to soak in everything around me... I can remember the smell of the ocean, and the warmth of the sun... the way the wind made my hair dance, and the unreal colors that the sky painted at sunset as the couple said their vows. That fuzzy feeling when love is in the air, and the spontaneity my hips felt and how naturally my feet followed to the salsa music. I remember closing my eyes, and not being able to stop smiling from ear to ear. And that literally happened all at once.... life is magical... when you are there for it.

I have been so worried and fueled by my past, and so busy thinking about what's next that I forget to appreciate THIS moment... the one that just happened, that I wasn't promised, and felt so entitled to. Yeah... that one... that one I will never get back. I look up and a whole year has gone by. My son is a year older, but then again, hell... so am I! How did I lose myself to this and forget about what makes me happy and the things that mean more to me? Reading a good book over a cup of hot tea. Hanging out with friends... cooking... taking a hot bath... doing anything at ALL for myself. I am even working to the point that it is interfering with my dreams and future, which is so counterproductive! I have to stop and ask myself, "What am I doing?"... and the better question then becomes, "WHY?"

Several things come up for me when investigating my workaholism, the most influential one being my son! Being a young parent is hard enough, but add the single mom pressure in there, and sprinkle it with a little guilt about not having him full time and it is a recipe for me to lose sight of what is actually important. And worse, I don't take care of myself at all! I got e-coli poisoning in Mexico (Thanks, Moctezuma!) and I haven't had a day off since I got back, and I am on Day 17! It gets to STOP!

As I have continued to comb through all of the reasons I do this to myself, something hit me like a bus... I am literally torturing myself; causing myself physical pain. Maybe I am worried about money. Maybe I am just caught in this cycle because I have been doing it for so long. But I think that is has to do with the guilt I feel for being away from my son. As if working this much, and making myself sick somehow serves as penance for breaking up my family. But it's not healthy... and neither am I!

Yes, I am alive, but I am not LIVING! I work so much that I don't even have the time to spend with my son anyway... it makes absolutely NO sense. Taking a step back was definitely something that needed desperately to be done. And now that I can actually SEE it, I get to do something about it.

But this is true in all areas of my life. I have spent so much time in the hamster wheel that I sometimes do or say things that had once protected me, but are no longer serving me. I have found that in the transformation of myself, I now no longer have a life that I need to protect myself from. The people, and specifically the relationships, I have chosen in my life are not out to get me. I see that now, and though I may have pushed some people away, or hurt them in the figuring out process, I am finally so clear on the things I want, and what I am willing to do to have them.

I deserve the life of my dreams, and the man of my dreams, and the career of my dreams... and so do you. I woke up and realized that the biggest thing standing between me and having ALL of those things was ME! And I will no longer make people wrong for my own insecurities!

Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need to learn... but the biggest thing I know now is that SURRENDER has been the one thing that I never truly understood, but needed more than anything. And on my anxiety ridden journey to discovering just what that is to ME, and why it would be so profound, I realized I may have a few people to apologize to for so irresponsibly putting my baggage on them. I have said it before, "Hurt people, hurt people!" Meaning that those who have been hurt have a tendency to hurt others, and sometimes without even realizing the damage they may be causing. But what we resist persists. If I don't want more pain, I must give only love. 

I have written most of this entry through a filter to protect someone I love very much and be respectful of them. But I noticed it was taking me so long to write and it seemed ingenuine... and incomplete. Some of you may not know I found the man of my dreams, and furthermore that I allowed my previous conversations about myself and the relationships I have been in prior to poison some very special moments with him. I held myself back and had a very difficult time giving all of myself to him And accept all of the love he was giving to me. I didn't feel worthy of that much love. It hurt him, and there is nothing more that I would love to do than go back surrender to him sooner. 

But seeing the hurt in his eyes, hearing the pain in his voice and knowing that I caused it, sparked something in me that day. I felt my insides click as I opened to give myself whole heartedly and completely to one person... To love them fully with every part of myself and to feel free in the fear of it. Like Alice dropping down the rabbit hole... and maybe that's why they call it "falling" in love. I have never done that before... been "all in". I have DONE a lot for my significant others in the past, but there was always a piece held back; protected. And yet, even in the face of potentially losing the man I feel I am meant to be with, I surrendered. I handed over that One last piece. To fully love someone means I must do it with no expectations. I must trust that it will be received. I have to stop and remind myself to breathe and really live in my intentions and make sure none of it is selfish. I got to stop worrying about looking stupid or like I was pushing. I get to let go of all past trauma and even allow him to actually touch me so that I can have a new relationship with intimacy. And now, I just let myself love him and let him know he is loved and supported. He is thought of and admired. He is amazing. 

Being this open and vulnerable is new for me. New things can be scary, but the way that surrendering and letting go was explained to me makes a lot of sense Now...

"When a car drives off a cliff and is airborne,  there are only two choices. You either brace yourself for a crash or enjoy the feeling of flying!" 

I have spent my whole life bracing for a crash. Clenching, grinding my teeth, tensing my shoulders... now I get it... 

"Jump and the net will appear!"

 "With great risk comes great reward." 

All of these little quotes I have mulled over for so long, all suddenly seem so clear. And now I see it, not just with this man I love, but all of my relationships, my family and my career. And a friend of mine said it best, "Jess we all know you are worth the risk, but if you risk with any attachment to fear or scarcity then you will end up in the same place 3 months from now. If you're gonna jump... jump... all the way!" 

Well here it is... me... jumping. Leaping into the unknown. Shooting for the stars. And Kanye even said, "Reach for the stars so if you fall you'll land on a cloud!" Or maybe in the arms of the man you love, or into the career you have only imagined. So for now I humbly surrender with great love and great apologies, not only to this man, but to all of my loved ones... friends and family. I feel like a new person, a lighter and shinier version of myself... the true me.... the one I have been hiding for so long.

 It's nice to meet you! 

The letter I thought I would never write!

Dear Sister,

There are many things that could  be said. Many things that have been said or never would have been.... and I am truly lost at where to actually begin! So I suppose the best place to start is at the beginning.

When you were born I was excited to finally have a baby sister. I would have someone to play with, to dance and sing with, to gossip about boyfriends with. But what I got was something that looked very different. And I have been fighting with the shattered image of that for my entire life. You weren't the person I could go to when I scraped my knee, or the one who would comfort me when there was a fight in the house. You were usually the one that caused them. You didn't braid my hair, but pulled it. We have never been sisters, and I always blamed you for it. I have never once taken responsibility for the fact that we have never bonded.... that I never created a space for a common ground to form. You hated me for being the "Golden Child" and I was disgusted by you for making me the "Forgotten One". 

 I see the state of your life right now and have felt this sense of pride that I am the only one in the entire family who hasn't contributed to the downward spiral you are on. That because I wasn't giving you the attention you so desperately wanted I was somehow outside of it. But what I refused to see was that I was likely the one person who could step in and make the difference in your life you have been screaming, crying and fighting for. I have blamed it on your unwillingness to WANT to change, and I held you small. I believed so little in you, and was mad that you now have children who are suffering because of your chaos. 

I wanted to take a few minutes to get really honest with you. Enough is enough. 

I don't think I have ever told you "I love you"... and if I have, I don't think I have meant it. I may have put up some contrived effort to be sincere or appear to be trying. I was mad at the havoc you reek on our family, the stress you cause and the hurt that results from your rage. I have stepped in from time to time when you crossed a line so disrespectfully that I couldn't contain it anymore. I have taken a stand for Mom and other members who I thought I needed to defend. But I have never once taken a stand for you..

Maybe I didn't think you deserved it, but what has become clear to me is that if I don't then it is possible that no one else will. And at minimum, your children deserve it. Living a life of pandemonium and angst is not healthy, and you can choose to stop it at any time. Running away from your life following "dreams" that you don't actually have is not only irresponsible but doesn't solve anything. You sent me a message saying you thought I would be happy that you are 'leaving California, but that dreams change'. I cannot tell you how wrong you are.

I wasn't happy that you came to Cali, but not because of me. I knew you were running, and that this effort to find a new life would be frivolous because it is impossible to run away from yourself. And now you are carting your children to Boston creating even more instability and confusion for them. The struggle you feel is within you, and won' t stop until you deal with it. Your dreams don't change if they are true, genuine and authentic to you. When I say you are wrong, I am not making you wrong, just trying to tell you that there is another option. There is a possibility for you to find out who you really are, who and where you really want to be, and the type of world that you are capable of creating for you and your children. When you clean out all of the stories you have made up about yourself, break down all of the walls you have built up and get really honest... an original dream will emerge. A clear vision of your life will present itself to you so effortlessly that you will wonder how you fought for so long. You will find that you have a vision that no one can stop you from creating and become a person so true that no one dares try to tamper with it.  And I want nothing more than that for you. 

I am writing this because for the first time in your entire life I took the time to see the masterpiece that you are. I took a step back and saw that by avoiding the "problem" our relationship has been, I have actually perpetuated it. So as of today, that has ended. I am here to support you in any way I can. I will not be giving you money, or listening to sob stories about how terrible your life is. But I will always be here to show you all of the alternate possibilities your life has to offer you around every corner, and help you find the strength to simply go get them. You are a powerful woman, but you get to find a way to use your power for good and to create, not destroy. You get to be the type of woman that needs nothing because she realizes that she has had it inside of herself all the time. Every tool that you need has already been given to you. 

I know this may be sudden. It may come across like a big fat joke, or you may think I am full of shit. Or perhaps those are just the conversations I have had in my head that have stopped me from doing this sooner. But I hope you can see little glimmers of the hope and truth this letter holds. I have come to realize that tomorrow is not promised to us, and I would never want to leave our relationship or your life in the state that it currently lives. And if I left this Earth tomorrow, I would feel my purpose was not completed. I vow to help you mend the bridge between you and your AUTHENTIC self, that will give you the courage to create the solid connections with people your heart truly yearns for. 

I do love you, and I look forward to standing with you and for you on your new journey.
Your sister,

Jessica