This is how I feel everyday!
I know that it is dumb.... but this is my life. I realize and will be the first to admit that I have a skewed self perception, but it is an everyday struggle. Like the FIRST picture, people look at me like I am damn crazy, and then like the second picture I get home, look in the mirror and see myself completely differently than everyone else. It is not quite as severe as that, but it is something that I have a problem with. Normally I squash it, and just go about trying my best to be as healthy as I can. I want to eat well and exercise, and do all of it the right way, but then THIS week, for some reason, and for the second time in my life, I am having UNhealthy thoughts. And I am willing to admit it to you guys right now, because I feel like in some way it is going to be therapeutic.
Now I guess I can be more specific about unhealthy thoughts...
Extreme dieting, diet pills, Aderall (for appetite suppression), diet pills, eating disorders (anorexia and bulimia), extreme exercises......... and it is like a constant spinning in my head. It is terrible.... and why? Why now of all the times that I have been down and out, and stressed... why now? It doesn't make any sense. Granted, yes I am PMS'ing but Jesus, Lord in Heaven, what is my problem. I know that by admitting this to you guys, that there will be people who think that the weight that I have lost up to this point was done UN healthily as well, which is NOT true AT ALL. I have worked REALLY hard to get where I am and it sucks to have these thoughts creep into my head.
It is partly the industry, because being in the entertainment industry does knock the shit out of you most days. Models left and right are too thin.... but I know MOST of it is all bull shit. I noticed today that every single person that graced the cover of magazines this month were getting slammed by US Weekly about being too thin, which sets a complete double standard.
Please someone tell me what we are supposed to believe.... You look at these women on the covers of these magazines and they look so healthy and beautiful and then they are slandered on the same shelf for being too thing and accused of eating disorders. I don't know. I mean, hell, Audrina is on the cover of Shape this month, which is a HEALTH and WELLNESS magazine. So I am not sure of what the standard is supposed to be, but I know what my competition looks like, and IF I want ANY chance of being on the cover of Glamour, InStyle, or Shape, I better get on it, and stay on it.
I am in no way saying that I actually think I am fat, or that I really will go to extreme measures to get to where I think I need to be in this pea brain of mine. What I am doing is saying that part of the reason I got out of the "industry" in the first place was because I lost a friend to anorexia, and I saw what this business can do to people, and I was not in a good place mentally, and I was worried about succumbing to it. I wanted to feel normal. I wanted to be held at normal standards. I wanted to go back to feeling good about myself because I was better than average at most things, and I took some sort of pride away from that.
Here I am now, 8 years older, 10 lbs heavier, and going back up against the 17 year old version of myself. It is a bit of a mind fuck! Here is the good news, cause Lord knows we need it, otherwise I will have people start an intervention and try to have me committed....
I might be 8 years older, but I am 8 years smarter as well. I am 8 years more experienced and I am 8 years more well rounded in my talents. I will kill these young skinny bitches at the things that really matter, and I am better off for it. I am not perfect, and damnit I earned it. I will not be taking any extreme measures, so no worries, but I felt like letting them out of my head, because being alone with them in here was killing me. I am sure that these thoughts and worries will pass with my PMS and I look very much forward to that. My only requests are these:
1. Please don't give me a hard time about giving myself a hard time. It is counter productive. I am my worst critic by a LONG shot and you just need to let me work it out in my own head, and help me focus on the things that I am good at.
2. Please understand that I hold myself at a different standard than most people... and for most it is completely unrealistic and unattainable, but I genuinely feel like I can reach it, and therefore ask you to revert back to #1.
3. I know that I am thin and do not like to be told that I am too thin. I also don't like people trying to accuse my weight or choice to not eat meat of being the cause of me getting sick from time to time. I have talked to my physician in GREAT detail about all concerns located above and the diagnosis is this:
I am at a healthy weight, and even if I lost another 5 pounds, my BMI (body mass index) would still be considered healthy. My diet is wonderful, and I have one of the healthiest sets of eating habits she has ever seen, especially considering that I am a diagnosed Compulsive Eater.
And lastly, the catalyst to me being sick all the time is that I am over working and under resting. I don't sleep enough people, and burn my candle at both ends. Stress is what is killing me.... not being thin. So if you have a problem with it, then SUCK IT!
I know that I cause my own problems, so please do me a favor and don't make them worse.
I am working through my problems a day at a time. I am sharing because even I, the person everyone comes to FOR help and advice, sometimes NEED a little help and advice.
This is a it of a tangent, I know, but for some reason, the last few days, I have not been easily able to shake the negative thoughts, and that just will not do. I am hoping that my venting here will help me clear my head, and I appreciate all of your understandings....
Goodnight sweet world, and keep your heads up!
