The Fit Vlog is BACK!!!!!!

The Fit Vlog is BACK!!!!!!
I am prolly gonna die... again!
But it will be worth it when I have a 6-pack in my coffin!

Vliggity Vlog: So Far This Year

Another compilation video of some fun things that have happened so far this year.... funny moments, and lots of awkward laughing! You know you will love it when there is a video involving dancing, singing, ice cream, racial slurs and shooting guns! Killing zombies.... DUH!

The Vliggity Vlog: Finding Some Happy-ness

The Vliggity Vlog: Finding Some Happiness!!!

It had been a while since I had edited a video... I got a little bit low-key depressed for a min... but I am back now and can't wait to keep making these. More to come, whether you like it or not!
<3

Who's really holding you back?!?!

I learned a very interesting and valuable lesson this week....

I may be my worst critic, but being hard on myself is part of what keeps me going; Keeps me moving forward. I have the right to choose my own path, and though I may beat myself up along the way about this or that, it is really because I want to be the best of the best. What ever it is that I decide to do I don't wanna do it half-assed. I am the one with the power to make OR break what happens. I can chose to do or not to do things, to eat or not eat right, to exercise or not to.

I have to be the one that takes responsibility for my actions and I can't let anyone else's opinions come in the way of what I do. My success or lack of it isn't going to affect them, so why do I care what they think. If I am not satisfied with my body, for example, it will show in the way that I carry myself which could cost me a job, and that affects ME and my kid.... not whoever told me that I was already too skinny and needed to put on 10 lbs. likely because it would make THEM feel better about themselves.

I have figured out, and don't know if it has been said before or not, but...

"You can't let someone else make you believe that your dreams are unachievable because they weren't able to achieve theirs".

People wanna give advice to help you "avoid making the same mistakes that they did", but life is full of mistakes, and you learn the lessons that make you grow by making them. Without them there is not growth... no forward motion. I used to say that my biggest fear was a Fear of Failure, but then I heard this,

"To increase your success rate you have to be WILLING to double your failure rate."

What that says to me is that you have to try. You have to be willing to take a chance.... and the thing that I find the most interesting about the word "chance" is the double meaning.... As a verb it means "to risk", but as a noun it means "fate".  I don't think that it is a coincidence that in the same word you get a key to life...

Even fate requires risk.

You can lead an animal to water but you can't make them drink.

You can be prepped, and groomed, and even trained for what you are MEANT to be doing, but unless you actually take what you have learned and apply it to actually doing it then everything you have been through is null and void.  You have to be your OWN motivation. You have to make the decision.

You have to take the chance to do these things and YOU are the only one that can stop yourself from success, and I will say this.....

I REFUSE TO BE THE ONE THAT KILLS

 THE DREAMS I HAVE SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE LIVING FOR.

I WILL take the chance, and though I may fail, I WILL try!

Will You?

This week I feel POOPY!

This is how I feel everyday! 

I know that it is dumb.... but this is my life. I realize and will be the first to admit that I have a skewed self perception, but it is an everyday struggle.  Like the FIRST picture, people look at me like I am damn crazy, and then like the second picture I get home, look in the mirror and see myself completely differently than everyone else. It is not quite as severe as that, but it is something that I have a problem with. Normally I squash it, and just go about trying my best to be as healthy as I can. I want to eat well and exercise, and do all of it the right way, but then THIS week, for some reason, and for the second time in my life, I am having UNhealthy thoughts. And I am willing to admit it to you guys right now, because I feel like in some way it is going to be therapeutic. 

Now I guess I can be more specific about unhealthy thoughts...

Extreme dieting, diet pills, Aderall (for appetite suppression), diet pills, eating disorders (anorexia and bulimia), extreme exercises......... and it is like a constant spinning in my head. It is terrible.... and why? Why now of all the times that I have been down and out, and stressed... why now? It doesn't make any sense. Granted, yes I am PMS'ing but Jesus, Lord in Heaven, what is my problem. I know that by admitting this to you guys, that there will be people who think that the weight that I have lost up to this point was done UN healthily as well, which is NOT true AT ALL. I have worked REALLY hard to get where I am and it sucks to have these thoughts creep into my head.

It is partly the industry, because being in the entertainment industry does knock the shit out of you most days. Models left and right are too thin.... but I know MOST of it is all bull shit. I noticed today that every single person that graced the cover of magazines this month were getting slammed by US Weekly about being too thin, which sets a complete double standard.

Please someone tell me what we are supposed to believe.... You look  at these women on the covers of these magazines and they look so healthy and beautiful and then they are slandered on the same shelf for being too thing and accused of eating disorders. I don't know. I mean, hell, Audrina is on the cover of Shape this month, which is a HEALTH and WELLNESS magazine. So I am not sure of what the standard is supposed to be, but I know what my competition looks like, and IF I want ANY chance of being on the cover of Glamour, InStyle, or Shape, I better get on it, and stay on it.

I am in no way saying that I actually think I am fat, or that I really will go to extreme measures to get to where I think I need to be in this pea brain of mine. What I am doing is saying that part of the reason I got out of the "industry" in the first place was because I lost a friend to anorexia, and I saw what this business can do to people, and I was not in a good place mentally, and I was worried about succumbing to it. I wanted to feel normal. I wanted to be held at normal standards. I wanted to go back to feeling good about myself because I was better than average at most things, and I took some sort of pride away from that. 

Here I am now, 8 years older, 10 lbs heavier, and going back up against the 17 year old version of myself. It is a bit of a mind fuck! Here is the good news, cause Lord knows we need it, otherwise I will have people start an intervention and try to have me committed....

I might be 8 years older, but I am 8 years smarter as well. I am 8 years more experienced and I am 8 years more well rounded in my talents. I will kill these young skinny bitches at the things that really matter, and I am better off for it. I am not perfect, and damnit I earned it. I will not be taking any extreme measures, so no worries, but I felt like letting them out of my head, because being alone with them in here was killing me.  I am sure that these thoughts and worries will pass with my PMS and I look very much forward to that. My only requests are these:

1. Please don't give me a hard time about giving myself a hard time. It is counter productive. I am my worst critic by a LONG shot and you just need to let me work it out in my own head, and help me focus on the things that I am good at.

2. Please understand that I hold myself at a different standard than most people... and for most it is completely unrealistic and unattainable, but I genuinely feel like I can reach it, and therefore ask you to revert back to #1.

3. I know that I am thin and do not like to be told that I am too thin. I also don't like people trying to accuse my weight or choice to not eat meat of being the cause of me getting sick from time to time. I have talked to my physician in GREAT detail about all concerns located above and the diagnosis is this:

I am at a healthy weight, and even if I lost another 5 pounds, my BMI (body mass index) would still be considered healthy.  My diet is wonderful, and I have one of the healthiest sets of eating habits she has ever seen, especially considering that I am a diagnosed Compulsive Eater.

And lastly, the catalyst to me being sick all the time is that I am over working and under resting. I don't sleep enough people, and burn my candle at both ends. Stress is what is killing me.... not being thin. So if you have a problem with it, then SUCK IT!

I know that I cause my own problems, so please do me a favor and don't make them worse.

I am working through my problems a day at a time. I am sharing because even I, the person everyone comes to FOR help and advice, sometimes NEED a little help and advice.

This is a it of a tangent, I know, but for some reason, the last few days, I have not been easily able to shake the negative thoughts, and that just will not do. I am hoping that my venting here will help me clear my head, and I appreciate all of your understandings....

Goodnight sweet world, and keep your heads up!

Star Wars, Sushi and Sunburns!

These are the three things that consumed MOST of my recent trip to LA! It is a good thing that I am just as big of a nerd as the people I choose to hang out with cause we were super "geeked" out all weekend.

It started with a quick breakfast, and then a movie, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides 3D!

Now lemme tell you something, I am used to being in Dallas, so when I pay $18 for a movie, I don't expect much, but apparently in LA they feel the need to give you a little more for your money. Starting with gold coins in a little "pirate's booty" sack. Unfortunately we were not allowed to buy our Sprite with it, GAY! So, we hobble down to our seats (cause I forgot to mention that Nate broke his foot, and was on crutches ALL weekend! PRESH) and when I say we got a pre-show, I believe that to be an understatement. The "pre-show" ended in confetti, and this was all BEFORE the movie had even started! I was sooo confused, but then the movie followed directly afterwards. My opinion on the movie: If you like all the other "Pirates" movies, then you will like this one as well. Very well done, and entertaining, although the confetti may have something to do with my opinion!

THEN IT WAS NAP TIME! Thank the Lord!

After naptime, it was MAVS PLAYOFF TIME! Whoop! MFFL!

We went to a spot called "the Spot!" so you know you are in the right place! It is Game 2 against the Miami Heat and we are already down one game after losing in Miami 92-84. F! We posted up, ate some grub, bumped into a few friends, and got ready to try to come back and tie up the series. There, of course, was one SUPER obnoxious Heat fan that was yelling and chanting the WHOLE game, while the rest of the bar seemed more interested in making sure the LeBron lost making them Mavs fans by default! But I will take it! As we started the 4th quarter, I made a vow that if the Mavs came back and won I was going to run over to the guy and run circles around him cheering relentlessly in his face! But OF COURSE as Dallas closed the point deficit and it looked like they might magically take the win, THAT guy is no where to be found! Puss!

The next day... SUSHI! I love myself some sushi.... delicious! After some intense games of Words With Friends and belly full of awesome, we were headed to Disneyland.

YES I SAID IT!

Our plan was quickly derailed when we realized that if we postponed Disney to the following day, we could get better seats at Star Wars in Concert.  I know what you are thinking to yourself, and YES it was UN-freaking-believable. Even Anthony Daniels, who played the original C3PO, was there narrating. But by the end, even LA locals were shivering while shaking their plastic light sabers, so we knew it was time to go! After an EMERGENCY CRIPPLE potty break, and detour through the Hollywood Hills, we finally made it back in one piece.

The next day was a big day.... DISNEYLAND for the opening weekend of the new Star Tours 2.0: 3D Interactive Star Wars Experience!

http://www.studioscentral.com/attractions/star-tours-adventures-continue

And not thinking about the fact that it was a Saturday and going to be completely overrun with children and overweight people who walk WAY too slow for their own good, it was quite entertaining having to wheel Nate around in a wheelchair the entire day. Perks, it was just plain funny, we got to cut a little bit of the line on most of the rides, and it gave me a chair whenever I needed one! After thinking we were going to die in the Temple of Doom due to a ride malfunction, and some really expensive, mediocre park food, and Ty's new $50 Yoda Backpack that I just knew he couldn't live without, our day was complete.

Stop to buy some tequila and beer on the way home, and Saturday is concluded with a crappy horror film! PERFECT!

Wake up Sunday, my last day, and I am feeling unsettled because of HOW settled I feel. I'm sitting on the balcony overlooking the LA skyline as the sun comes up. I get my doodle/notepad that I never leave the house without in case I have a dose of genius pop into my head and have to write it down! Made a few necessary phone calls, kicked my feet up and just enjoyed the beautiful sun, and a pleasant breeze.... 70 degress MAX.

 B-E-A-Utiful! Hell, I even have my cardigan on... well apparently no one told me that you can get super sunburned just sitting in the sun. And because of my LACK of concern over the fact that it wasn't even warm out, My chest and shins proceeded to get a nasty, painful sunburn that is now peeling off of my body! :) But it was worth it. Best reflection time I have had in FOREVER!

Clean up the house a bit, and head to meet my cousin Jeron's BF, Wes (<--- LOVE HIM!) for none other than SUSHI! Then off to the airport!

This trip did a lot of things for me... but mostly cleared my head!

There is really no better way to know if you belong in a place than if you take lots of deep sighs in contentment. Life in Dallas has been beating the shit out of me for years and as much I would loved to have moved a LONG time before now, I finally feel good enough about myself and where I am in life, as well as Tyler's age and the situation with my ex to even consider a move like this!  If I want to continue to make moves and grow, then I don't really feel like I will be able to do it in Dallas. So...

This trip was a big deal to me! I wanted to see a number of things:

1. Could I relax? Collect my thoughts?

2. Do I feel loved and supported?

3. Could I make a life here?

4. Could I work and support myself, and my child away from everyone and everything I am used to having around?

I can honestly say the thing that has been holding me back is ME! I have allowed other people and their negative thoughts and guilt trips hold me back. So, this is my way of letting everyone know that I have made the decision and am currently setting groundwork for a Nov. 1st move to Los Angeles! It's a move that has been a long time coming and severely overdue.  As scary as it is, and as hard as I anticipate it being I truly feel like it is the right decision! Gotta get this show on the rode, cause I am not getting any younger, and my life certainly isn't getting any longer!

Ready......

Set...

           GO!

A picture is worth a thousand words!

  I think the picture says all I need to! I am going to go on a rant before I go on my run this morning to let out some pent up anger!

  First of all, I hate going to bed angry cause I just wake up even more mad! That obviously happened. But I refuse to let it ruin my entire day like it did yesterday, so to prefice this... I am not going to name any names, but I can say this with 100% certainty, I don't give a damn if they know who they are either!

  I don't know who the hell you think you are putting your damn nose where it doesn't belong... in MY business.  And beyond that, you know NOTHING about what you THINK you are making a comment about. Then you want to judge me?!?!?!? I worked with you, and work with people you know.  We aren't close friends, we don't hang out, and you want to come in and act like you are better than me, and make statements about me to people I know "behind my back" in front of me? For real!?!?! Grow the hell up. In the big scheme of my life you are merely a pebble on the road of people I am going to leave behind, and I can assure you that my anger last night that carried over to this morning, and THIS rant is the most attention you will ever get from me. There are a handful of people that this is directed towards and I don't give 2 shits in the wind if they know it.

  None of you are going anywhere, or doing anything with your lives. You are stuck in a world  of mediocrity not because you have settled for a life that you are happy with, but purely because you aren't worth more than that. And no amount of laughs, and drinking are going to wash away the fact that a year from now, 5 years from now, you are still going to be doing the same damn thing, with the same damn people claiming you are happy in your dead end life, and continue to hate on me for making something of myself and leaving negative baggage like you in the dust!

  When it comes to my personal life, it is very personal, and there is no way in hell that you could possibly have enough information to pass a geralized judgement on me. And you know what? Think what you want... I don't care. I am not going to sit here and justify my actions or on goings day-to-day to people who don't even deserve the time I am spending to type this! I am through with this false sense of knowing people. Surface friends aren't friends, and you are not worth being in my life or even being associated with me. I know who I am, what I have done, and what I will do, and I know with all certainty I will NEVER see you at the top. So, I hope you see this, and know it is for you, and find it in your heart to one day thank me for wasting this time on you.

                                                    YOU'RE FUCKING WELCOME!