Just letting the thoughts flow...

In the last month or so, there has been a lot on my mind... the good, the bad, the fantastic, the tragic... all of it. Life has seemed to present itself to me in such a beautiful way that I am seeing the dance that is necessary between the hard times and the good. I am truly accepting that I can't see the light without the darkness... the stars don't show in the daytime. But this is true withIN each of us as well.

I have taken great advantage of and disrespected the journey I've been on through this life I am living. I have found myself angry, resentful, sad, and even wishing there were times I could go back and do over. We all have. What I realized recently was something that changed my perspective on everything.... everything that has happened, is happening, and will come to be.

A full lifetime can be found in EVERY moment. I have come see that most of my adult life, I have not been PRESENT. I've been either dwelling on the past, or fantasizing about the future. How can I make tomorrow different than yesterday?? But, WHAT ABOUT TODAY!?!?

A couple of weeks ago I had the opportunity to go to Mexico for a friend's wedding, and made a pact with myself on the plane that I would relish every moment. I made a commitment to stay present, and to be there for each minute as if it were the only one I would get. What I realized was astonishing!

To give you a little back story... I have 3 jobs, and leading up to the trip, I had worked 29 days in a row, which includes an average of 4 doubles a week. Needless to say, I don't take off much. So when I got back home from this trip, people were obviously inquiring about my much needed weekend away. I found myself telling a story that in real time was about 3 or 4 minutes, but took me 20 min to talk about because I was so stimulated by everything around me. All my senses had perked up to soak in everything around me... I can remember the smell of the ocean, and the warmth of the sun... the way the wind made my hair dance, and the unreal colors that the sky painted at sunset as the couple said their vows. That fuzzy feeling when love is in the air, and the spontaneity my hips felt and how naturally my feet followed to the salsa music. I remember closing my eyes, and not being able to stop smiling from ear to ear. And that literally happened all at once.... life is magical... when you are there for it.

I have been so worried and fueled by my past, and so busy thinking about what's next that I forget to appreciate THIS moment... the one that just happened, that I wasn't promised, and felt so entitled to. Yeah... that one... that one I will never get back. I look up and a whole year has gone by. My son is a year older, but then again, hell... so am I! How did I lose myself to this and forget about what makes me happy and the things that mean more to me? Reading a good book over a cup of hot tea. Hanging out with friends... cooking... taking a hot bath... doing anything at ALL for myself. I am even working to the point that it is interfering with my dreams and future, which is so counterproductive! I have to stop and ask myself, "What am I doing?"... and the better question then becomes, "WHY?"

Several things come up for me when investigating my workaholism, the most influential one being my son! Being a young parent is hard enough, but add the single mom pressure in there, and sprinkle it with a little guilt about not having him full time and it is a recipe for me to lose sight of what is actually important. And worse, I don't take care of myself at all! I got e-coli poisoning in Mexico (Thanks, Moctezuma!) and I haven't had a day off since I got back, and I am on Day 17! It gets to STOP!

As I have continued to comb through all of the reasons I do this to myself, something hit me like a bus... I am literally torturing myself; causing myself physical pain. Maybe I am worried about money. Maybe I am just caught in this cycle because I have been doing it for so long. But I think that is has to do with the guilt I feel for being away from my son. As if working this much, and making myself sick somehow serves as penance for breaking up my family. But it's not healthy... and neither am I!

Yes, I am alive, but I am not LIVING! I work so much that I don't even have the time to spend with my son anyway... it makes absolutely NO sense. Taking a step back was definitely something that needed desperately to be done. And now that I can actually SEE it, I get to do something about it.

But this is true in all areas of my life. I have spent so much time in the hamster wheel that I sometimes do or say things that had once protected me, but are no longer serving me. I have found that in the transformation of myself, I now no longer have a life that I need to protect myself from. The people, and specifically the relationships, I have chosen in my life are not out to get me. I see that now, and though I may have pushed some people away, or hurt them in the figuring out process, I am finally so clear on the things I want, and what I am willing to do to have them.

I deserve the life of my dreams, and the man of my dreams, and the career of my dreams... and so do you. I woke up and realized that the biggest thing standing between me and having ALL of those things was ME! And I will no longer make people wrong for my own insecurities!

Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need to learn... but the biggest thing I know now is that SURRENDER has been the one thing that I never truly understood, but needed more than anything. And on my anxiety ridden journey to discovering just what that is to ME, and why it would be so profound, I realized I may have a few people to apologize to for so irresponsibly putting my baggage on them. I have said it before, "Hurt people, hurt people!" Meaning that those who have been hurt have a tendency to hurt others, and sometimes without even realizing the damage they may be causing. But what we resist persists. If I don't want more pain, I must give only love. 

I have written most of this entry through a filter to protect someone I love very much and be respectful of them. But I noticed it was taking me so long to write and it seemed ingenuine... and incomplete. Some of you may not know I found the man of my dreams, and furthermore that I allowed my previous conversations about myself and the relationships I have been in prior to poison some very special moments with him. I held myself back and had a very difficult time giving all of myself to him And accept all of the love he was giving to me. I didn't feel worthy of that much love. It hurt him, and there is nothing more that I would love to do than go back surrender to him sooner. 

But seeing the hurt in his eyes, hearing the pain in his voice and knowing that I caused it, sparked something in me that day. I felt my insides click as I opened to give myself whole heartedly and completely to one person... To love them fully with every part of myself and to feel free in the fear of it. Like Alice dropping down the rabbit hole... and maybe that's why they call it "falling" in love. I have never done that before... been "all in". I have DONE a lot for my significant others in the past, but there was always a piece held back; protected. And yet, even in the face of potentially losing the man I feel I am meant to be with, I surrendered. I handed over that One last piece. To fully love someone means I must do it with no expectations. I must trust that it will be received. I have to stop and remind myself to breathe and really live in my intentions and make sure none of it is selfish. I got to stop worrying about looking stupid or like I was pushing. I get to let go of all past trauma and even allow him to actually touch me so that I can have a new relationship with intimacy. And now, I just let myself love him and let him know he is loved and supported. He is thought of and admired. He is amazing. 

Being this open and vulnerable is new for me. New things can be scary, but the way that surrendering and letting go was explained to me makes a lot of sense Now...

"When a car drives off a cliff and is airborne,  there are only two choices. You either brace yourself for a crash or enjoy the feeling of flying!" 

I have spent my whole life bracing for a crash. Clenching, grinding my teeth, tensing my shoulders... now I get it... 

"Jump and the net will appear!"

 "With great risk comes great reward." 

All of these little quotes I have mulled over for so long, all suddenly seem so clear. And now I see it, not just with this man I love, but all of my relationships, my family and my career. And a friend of mine said it best, "Jess we all know you are worth the risk, but if you risk with any attachment to fear or scarcity then you will end up in the same place 3 months from now. If you're gonna jump... jump... all the way!" 

Well here it is... me... jumping. Leaping into the unknown. Shooting for the stars. And Kanye even said, "Reach for the stars so if you fall you'll land on a cloud!" Or maybe in the arms of the man you love, or into the career you have only imagined. So for now I humbly surrender with great love and great apologies, not only to this man, but to all of my loved ones... friends and family. I feel like a new person, a lighter and shinier version of myself... the true me.... the one I have been hiding for so long.

 It's nice to meet you! 

The letter I thought I would never write!

Dear Sister,

There are many things that could  be said. Many things that have been said or never would have been.... and I am truly lost at where to actually begin! So I suppose the best place to start is at the beginning.

When you were born I was excited to finally have a baby sister. I would have someone to play with, to dance and sing with, to gossip about boyfriends with. But what I got was something that looked very different. And I have been fighting with the shattered image of that for my entire life. You weren't the person I could go to when I scraped my knee, or the one who would comfort me when there was a fight in the house. You were usually the one that caused them. You didn't braid my hair, but pulled it. We have never been sisters, and I always blamed you for it. I have never once taken responsibility for the fact that we have never bonded.... that I never created a space for a common ground to form. You hated me for being the "Golden Child" and I was disgusted by you for making me the "Forgotten One". 

 I see the state of your life right now and have felt this sense of pride that I am the only one in the entire family who hasn't contributed to the downward spiral you are on. That because I wasn't giving you the attention you so desperately wanted I was somehow outside of it. But what I refused to see was that I was likely the one person who could step in and make the difference in your life you have been screaming, crying and fighting for. I have blamed it on your unwillingness to WANT to change, and I held you small. I believed so little in you, and was mad that you now have children who are suffering because of your chaos. 

I wanted to take a few minutes to get really honest with you. Enough is enough. 

I don't think I have ever told you "I love you"... and if I have, I don't think I have meant it. I may have put up some contrived effort to be sincere or appear to be trying. I was mad at the havoc you reek on our family, the stress you cause and the hurt that results from your rage. I have stepped in from time to time when you crossed a line so disrespectfully that I couldn't contain it anymore. I have taken a stand for Mom and other members who I thought I needed to defend. But I have never once taken a stand for you..

Maybe I didn't think you deserved it, but what has become clear to me is that if I don't then it is possible that no one else will. And at minimum, your children deserve it. Living a life of pandemonium and angst is not healthy, and you can choose to stop it at any time. Running away from your life following "dreams" that you don't actually have is not only irresponsible but doesn't solve anything. You sent me a message saying you thought I would be happy that you are 'leaving California, but that dreams change'. I cannot tell you how wrong you are.

I wasn't happy that you came to Cali, but not because of me. I knew you were running, and that this effort to find a new life would be frivolous because it is impossible to run away from yourself. And now you are carting your children to Boston creating even more instability and confusion for them. The struggle you feel is within you, and won' t stop until you deal with it. Your dreams don't change if they are true, genuine and authentic to you. When I say you are wrong, I am not making you wrong, just trying to tell you that there is another option. There is a possibility for you to find out who you really are, who and where you really want to be, and the type of world that you are capable of creating for you and your children. When you clean out all of the stories you have made up about yourself, break down all of the walls you have built up and get really honest... an original dream will emerge. A clear vision of your life will present itself to you so effortlessly that you will wonder how you fought for so long. You will find that you have a vision that no one can stop you from creating and become a person so true that no one dares try to tamper with it.  And I want nothing more than that for you. 

I am writing this because for the first time in your entire life I took the time to see the masterpiece that you are. I took a step back and saw that by avoiding the "problem" our relationship has been, I have actually perpetuated it. So as of today, that has ended. I am here to support you in any way I can. I will not be giving you money, or listening to sob stories about how terrible your life is. But I will always be here to show you all of the alternate possibilities your life has to offer you around every corner, and help you find the strength to simply go get them. You are a powerful woman, but you get to find a way to use your power for good and to create, not destroy. You get to be the type of woman that needs nothing because she realizes that she has had it inside of herself all the time. Every tool that you need has already been given to you. 

I know this may be sudden. It may come across like a big fat joke, or you may think I am full of shit. Or perhaps those are just the conversations I have had in my head that have stopped me from doing this sooner. But I hope you can see little glimmers of the hope and truth this letter holds. I have come to realize that tomorrow is not promised to us, and I would never want to leave our relationship or your life in the state that it currently lives. And if I left this Earth tomorrow, I would feel my purpose was not completed. I vow to help you mend the bridge between you and your AUTHENTIC self, that will give you the courage to create the solid connections with people your heart truly yearns for. 

I do love you, and I look forward to standing with you and for you on your new journey.
Your sister,

Jessica

Behind the Cover: Fool In Love- Rihanna

                        

Fool In Love- by Rihanna

When I first heard this song, I was moved, to say the least. There was something about the song that hit me in a place much deeper than I expected from a "silly pop" song. I shared it with several friends of mine, and although their reactions may not have all been as deep as mine was, there was a unanimous agreement that that song was phenomenal. And I will say that it brought more than one of them to tears, me included. 

Since it is the bonus track, on the deluxe edition of her album, you can't find it anywhere online, UNLESS you buy it, and they have yet to release it as a single. With the growing respect I had for the song, and the vocal that Rihanna lays down on it, I was scared to cover it, but I thought, there is no way that I can't share this. The song  tells such a common story of not living up to the expectations set for us, and the communion we must come into about either fighting it, or accepting it. I have fought this battle every day of my life, for as long as I can remember. But I will get back to that!

When I actually decided to cover the song, my life was in a much different place, with very different people around me. I had everyone on board that I needed to make this happen, and one day when I got home, I felt moved by it, and made a video (totally out of order, I KNOW!) Sparing you all the stressful or gory details, what I thought was going to be a simple little cover project hit some SERIOUS speed bumps... so much so that I thought I was going to have to shelve it all together and forget about it entirely. But after some time passed and dust settled, I stumbled upon the video that I made... and was again, impacted. I thought, I only have two choices:

1. I make one last stitch effort to complete this

or

2. I move on from it completely.

I chose the former. And I am so glad that I did. I reached out to some familiar and not so familiar people and somehow, we made it happen. And not only is it finally finished, it is even better than I could have even imagined. I am actually proud of the product, but I am even prouder of myself. I overcame some HUGE mountains to do what I needed to do, which was sing the shit out of it. Sounds easy, right?? 

Well, now we get back to my battles with being perfect. One day in the beginning stages of this project, my friend Solomon and I are sitting in my apartment trying to figure out how to re-make the track from scratch (speed bump #1) and he asks me to sing it. I FREEZE. I mean, I realized that truly, other than the video, which was practically done, singing was literally my only job... and I couldn't do it. I proceed to have a full on break down in my kitchen like a 5 year old. Then I realized something miraculous...

Sol said to me, "Why are you trying to be perfect, Jess?! Fuck up... I WANT you to fuck up!" But I couldn't. I had spent my entire life trying to be this idea I have of perfect that I thought I needed to be to please everyone, but more specifically my family, and most specifically my Dad! I am not going to sit here and make him out to be a bad guy, because that is completely false. Yes, we have had our fair share of problems, but I can reflect back on what I am about to tell you, knowing NOW how much it affected me, and how the amount of respect that I have for him, magnified my reaction to it. 

When I was 15 years old, and just getting through the first year of my blossoming modeling career, my Dad, who was a singer/songwriter/musician his entire life before children, said to me, "You are not the best singer, you are not the best dancer and there are millions of other girls out there who are more beautiful and more talented than you, and they never make it."

In one sentence my entire life crashed down around me. Every hope and dream was weighted. Every wish left unfulfilled. From that point forward, ever insecurity I felt was larger and every accomplishment should have been greater. There was no point in which I ever saw myself and what I was doing, and was happy enough with it to be completely proud of it. In hindsight, and with over 10 years to reflect on that sentence, and sit with it, I know what he was trying to say. I understand the point he was trying to make, but at 15 I didn't grasp it. All I heard was that my Daddy didn't believe in me. And since he was a singer, it was the thing that stuck with me the most.

Fast forward to my kitchen, and me in the fetal position crying like a baby... I was able to look up and realize for the first time in a decade and see the monster I had been subconsciously battling with. Put THAT fear into a recording studio.... HOLY SHIT! Sweating, shaking, and on the verge of an anxiety attack. However, with a helpful hand and boost of confidence, I was able to get it out. It's not perfect, but it is real, and I cannot believe that I was able to look that beast in the face and fight back. 

As my life and career have progressed and my Dad has expressed more and more concern with my choices and disapproval of them, it intensified my reaction to the song and how deeply I felt a connection to it. SO when you listen to this song, and you watch the video, you need to know that when I fight tears and fail, it isn't about a boy... it is about my Dad.

"Papa, did I let you down? Are you ashamed of how your little girl turned out?"

So, yes, originally I wanted to do this song to prove to my Dad that I could do everything he told me that I couldn't, but I actually ended up proving it to myself. Which is really more important anyway. I know my Dad loves me and only wants what he believes is best for me, and he can't be slighted for that. Having a child of my own has made me understand this more than ever. We never want to see out children hurt, especially by the same things that may have hurt us. And he's not wrong... I am not the best singer, or dancer, best looking or most talented... there ARE millions of other people out there, around every corner, that may have me beat on almost every level, but not a single one of them has what I have to offer. And I am willing to bet not one of them can match my work ethic, driver and fight for what I want. And as crushed as my Dad's statement may have made me feel at times, it is also part of the reason I am so motivated. 

So now, I take the same sentence that has made me feel so defeated for so long and say, "BRING IT ON!" because like the song says.

"I'm willing to look so stupid til I've had enough."

and I promise that day isn't coming anytime soon!

And I love you, Dad!

This link doesn't work anymore either! It had to be right! See newest... sorry!

                        

Fool In Love- by Rihanna

When I first heard this song, I was moved, to say the least. There was something about the song that hit me in a place much deeper than I expected from a "silly pop" song. I shared it with several friends of mine, and although their reactions may not have all been as deep as mine was, there was a unanimous agreement that that song was phenomenal. And I will say that it brought more than one of them to tears, me included. 

Since it is the bonus track, on the deluxe edition of her album, you can't find it anywhere online, UNLESS you buy it, and they have yet to release it as a single. With the growing respect I had for the song, and the vocal that Rihanna lays down on it, I was scared to cover it, but I thought, there is no way that I can't share this. The song  tells such a common story of not living up to the expectations set for us, and the communion we must come into about either fighting it, or accepting it. I have fought this battle every day of my life, for as long as I can remember. But I will get back to that!

When I actually decided to cover the song, my life was in a much different place, with very different people around me. I had everyone on board that I needed to make this happen, and one day when I got home, I felt moved by it, and made a video (totally out of order, I KNOW!) Sparing you all the stressful or gory details, what I thought was going to be a simple little cover project hit some SERIOUS speed bumps... so much so that I thought I was going to have to shelve it all together and forget about it entirely. But after some time passed and dust settled, I stumbled upon the video that I made... and was again, impacted. I thought, I only have two choices:

1. I make one last stitch effort to complete this

or

2. I move on from it completely.

I chose the former. And I am so glad that I did. I reached out to some familiar and not so familiar people and somehow, we made it happen. And not only is it finally finished, it is even better than I could have even imagined. I am actually proud of the product, but I am even prouder of myself. I overcame some HUGE mountains to do what I needed to do, which was sing the shit out of it. Sounds easy, right?? 

Well, now we get back to my battles with being perfect. One day in the beginning stages of this project, my friend Solomon and I are sitting in my apartment trying to figure out how to re-make the track from scratch (speed bump #1) and he asks me to sing it. I FREEZE. I mean, I realized that truly, other than the video, which was practically done, singing was literally my only job... and I couldn't do it. I proceed to have a full on break down in my kitchen like a 5 year old. Then I realized something miraculous...

Sol said to me, "Why are you trying to be perfect, Jess?! Fuck up... I WANT you to fuck up!" But I couldn't. I had spent my entire life trying to be this idea I have of perfect that I thought I needed to be to please everyone, but more specifically my family, and most specifically my Dad! I am not going to sit here and make him out to be a bad guy, because that is completely false. Yes, we have had our fair share of problems, but I can reflect back on what I am about to tell you, knowing NOW how much it affected me, and how the amount of respect that I have for him, magnified my reaction to it. 

When I was 15 years old, and just getting through the first year of my blossoming modeling career, my Dad, who was a singer/songwriter/musician his entire life before children, said to me, "You are not the best singer, you are not the best dancer and there are millions of other girls out there who are more beautiful and more talented than you, and they never make it."

In one sentence my entire life crashed down around me. Every hope and dream was weighted. Every wish left unfulfilled. From that point forward, ever insecurity I felt was larger and every accomplishment should have been greater. There was no point in which I ever saw myself and what I was doing, and was happy enough with it to be completely proud of it. In hindsight, and with over 10 years to reflect on that sentence, and sit with it, I know what he was trying to say. I understand the point he was trying to make, but at 15 I didn't grasp it. All I heard was that my Daddy didn't believe in me. And since he was a singer, it was the thing that stuck with me the most.

Fast forward to my kitchen, and me in the fetal position crying like a baby... I was able to look up and realize for the first time in a decade and see the monster I had been subconsciously battling with. Put THAT fear into a recording studio.... HOLY SHIT! Sweating, shaking, and on the verge of an anxiety attack. However, with a helpful hand and boost of confidence, I was able to get it out. It's not perfect, but it is real, and I cannot believe that I was able to look that beast in the face and fight back. 

 As my life and career have progressed and my Dad has expressed more and more concern with my choices and his disapproval of them, it intensified my reaction to this song and how deeply I felt a connection to it. SO when you listen to this song, and you watch the video, you need to know that when I fight tears and fail, it isn't about a boy.... it is about my Dad. 

"Papa, did I let you down? Are you ashamed of how your little girl turned out?"

So, yes, originally I wanted to do this song to prove to my Dad that I could do everything he told me that I couldn't, but I actually ended up proving it to myself. Which is really much more important anyway. I know my Dad loves me and only wants what he believes is best for me, and he can't be slighted for that. Having a child of my own has made me understand this more than ever. We never want to see our children hurt, especially by the same things that may have hurt us. And he's not wrong... I am not the best singer, or dancer, best looking, or most talented... There ARE millions of other people out there, around every corner that might have me beat on almost every level, but not a single one of them has what I have to offer. And I am willing to bet not one of them can match my work ethic, drive, and fight for what I want. And as crushed as my Dad's statement may have made me feel at times, it is also part of the reason I am so motivated.

So now, I take that same sentence that has made me feel so defeated for so long and say, "BRING IT ON!" because like the song says,

 "I'm willing to look so stupid til I've had enough"

 and I promise that day isn't coming anytime soon! 


And I love you, Dad!

The link on this one does not work! :(

Fool In Love- by Rihanna

When I first heard this song, I was moved, to say the least. There was something about the song that hit me in a place much deeper than I expected from a "silly pop" song. I shared it with several friends of mine, and although their reactions may not have all been as deep as mine was, there was a unanimous agreement that that song was phenomenal. And I will say that it brought more than one of them to tears, me included. 

Since it is the bonus track, on the deluxe edition of her album, you can't find it anywhere online, UNLESS you buy it, and they have yet to release it as a single. With the growing respect I had for the song, and the vocal that Rihanna lays down on it, I was scared to cover it, but I thought, there is no way that I can't share this. The song  tells such a common story of not living up to the expectations set for us, and the communion we must come into about either fighting it, or accepting it. I have fought this battle every day of my life, for as long as I can remember. But I will get back to that!

When I actually decided to cover the song, my life was in a much different place, with very different people around me. I had everyone on board that I needed to make this happen, and one day when I got home, I felt moved by it, and made a video (totally out of order, I KNOW!) Sparing you all the stressful or gory details, what I thought was going to be a simple little cover project hit some SERIOUS speed bumps... so much so that I thought I was going to have to shelve it all together and forget about it entirely. But after some time passed and dust settled, I stumbled upon the video that I made... and was again, impacted. I thought, I only have two choices:

1. I make one last stitch effort to complete this

or

2. I move on from it completely.

I chose the former. And I am so glad that I did. I reached out to some familiar and not so familiar people and somehow, we made it happen. And not only is it finally finished, it is even better than I could have even imagined. I am actually proud of the product, but I am even prouder of myself. I overcame some HUGE mountains to do what I needed to do, which was sing the shit out of it. Sounds easy, right?? 

Well, now we get back to my battles with being perfect. One day in the beginning stages of this project, my friend Solomon and I are sitting in my apartment trying to figure out how to re-make the track from scratch (speed bump #1) and he asks me to sing it. I FREEZE. I mean, I realized that truly, other than the video, which was practically done, singing was literally my only job... and I couldn't do it. I proceed to have a full on break down in my kitchen like a 5 year old. Then I realized something miraculous...

Sol said to me, "Why are you trying to be perfect, Jess?! Fuck up... I WANT you to fuck up!" But I couldn't. I had spent my entire life trying to be this idea I have of perfect that I thought I needed to be to please everyone, but more specifically my family, and most specifically my Dad! I am not going to sit here and make him out to be a bad guy, because that is completely false. Yes, we have had our fair share of problems, but I can reflect back on what I am about to tell you, knowing NOW how much it affected me, and how the amount of respect that I have for him, magnified my reaction to it. 

When I was 15 years old, and just getting through the first year of my blossoming modeling career, my Dad, who was a singer/songwriter/musician his entire life before children, said to me, "You are not the best singer, you are not the best dancer and there are millions of other girls out there who are more beautiful and more talented than you, and they never make it."

In one sentence my entire life crashed down around me. Every hope and dream was weighted. Every wish left unfulfilled. From that point forward, ever insecurity I felt was larger and every accomplishment should have been greater. There was no point in which I ever saw myself and what I was doing, and was happy enough with it to be completely proud of it. In hindsight, and with over 10 years to reflect on that sentence, and sit with it, I know what he was trying to say. I understand the point he was trying to make, but at 15 I didn't grasp it. All I heard was that my Daddy didn't believe in me. And since he was a singer, it was the thing that stuck with me the most.

Fast forward to my kitchen, and me in the fetal position crying like a baby... I was able to look up and realize for the first time in a decade and see the monster I had been subconsciously battling with. Put THAT fear into a recording studio.... HOLY SHIT! Sweating, shaking, and on the verge of an anxiety attack. However, with a helpful hand and boost of confidence, I was able to get it out. It wasn't perfect, but it was real, and I cannot believe that I was able to look that beast in the face and fight back. 

 As my life and career have progressed and my Dad has expressed more and more concern with my choices and his disapproval of them, it intensified my reaction to this song and how deeply I felt a connection to it. SO when you listen to this song, and you watch the video, you need to know that when I fight tears and fail, it isn't about a boy.... it is about my Dad. 

"Papa, did I let you down? Are you ashamed of how your little girl turned out?"

So, yes, originally I wanted to do this song to prove to my Dad that I could do everything he told me that I couldn't, but I actually ended up proving it to myself. Which is really much more important anyway. I know my Dad loves me and only wants what he believes is best for me, and he can't be slighted for that. Having a child of my own has made me understand this more than ever. We never want to see our children hurt, especially by the same things that may have hurt us. And he's not wrong... I am not the best singer, or dancer, best looking, or most talented... There ARE millions of other people out there, around every corner that might have me beat on almost every level, but not a single one of them has what I have to offer. And I am willing to bet not one of them can match my work ethic, drive, and fight for what I want. 

So now, I take that same sentence that has made me feel so defeated for so long and say, "BRING IT ON!" because like the song says,

 "I'm willing to look so stupid til I've had enough"

 and I promise that day isn't coming anytime soon! 

Sugar Free Zucchini Bread

Howdy there! So I am on this new adventure to find sugar free recipes that are delicious and easy to make. The reason: My son has ADHD and I am trying to keep him off of meds, and starting with a sugar free and balanced diet! :)

It has been an interesting ride, and there are more recipes to come, but there was a special request for this one, so here it is!! 

**(I will start with the original recipe, and then make notes to what I substituted in and out!)

Ingredients:

3 eggs

3/4 cup oil

1 cup honey

1 tsp vanilla extract

3 cups peeled and grated zucchini

1tsp salt

1/4 tsp baking powder

3 cups flour

1 tbsp cinnamon

1 1/2 tsp baking powder

1/2 cup nuts (chopped)

Now, honey is NOT sugar free, and although agave nectar is a good sub, I am still trying to stay as far away from most sugar as I can for the time being. SO... I subbed in 3/4 cup of Sugar Free Maple Syrup and 1/4 cup of unsweetened Applesauce. 

If there is a nut allergy I think chopped apple or raisins would be awesome in it. 

I also think, after tasting it that butter or a butter alternative (either in the batter or afterwards) makes it a little more rich. But the bread is moist and tasty. Crusty outside and moist inside... perfect!!

Instructions:

Preheat oven to 300 degrees.

Beat eggs, then add oil, **honey or sub, and vanilla. Mix all dry ingredients and stir into wet mix. Spray baking pan with non-stick spray and place in oven for 45-55 min or until golden brown. Test with a toothpick. 

Once pulled out of the oven, I poked a few holes in the tops and glazed with a simple mix of **sugar substitute (splenda, stevia... etc) with warm water and a dash of the sugar free maple syrup. The glaze should be sticky and gooey but not thick. 

Really tasty... and my kiddo loves it. DUH!!! Win for Mommy!!! 

Hope everyone loves this, and if you try it and have any suggestions, or other things that you try that make it even better, PLEASE lemme know!!! 

Thanks guys, and enjoy!!

Don't Judge Me... even if I do wrong.

There is not a person on this Earth that can say they are free from ever judging someone else. We do it on a daily, likely hourly, basis. 

"Oh, she is way too fat to be wearing that."

"Look at that homeless guy... he is probably a drug addict."

"That child is so misbehaved, their parents need to step it up."

On a much larger scale:

"That man murdered innocent people... he is insane."

"The crime rate in that area is terrible, so it must be full of thugs."

He's a...

She's a....

They are....

But when was the last time you turned the microscope on yourself??

When was the last time you wondered what other people thought of you?

When was the last time you questioned...

I AM _____?

I recently started acting classes with one of the most amazing women I have ever met, Diana Castle. She not only reached me on a professional level, but eve on the first night, she changed me and my personal self forever. 

One of the things that Diana talks about the most, and I won't give away too much cause you should pay her to tell you, is the "I AM"!

This is my "JOB" as an actor... to "be" another person and be able to see the world through their eyes and be affected by their influences. I have to be willing to let go of MY ideas of life and my personal opinions and beliefs and let myself enter an alternative life.... completely.

I have learned that there is a victim and a victimizer in all of us; it's just the level at which we allow ourselves to be the victim or the extent that we are willing to victimize someone else that seems to separate how we view the severity. And based on the severity, we place ourselves on the same scale and determine whether or not we think we are better than another person. 

Now what does that have to do with my personal life? Everything. Learning to become more empathetic as an actor, has had the same effect on me personally. The deeper I grow in my craft, the more I feel broadened as a person. It has helped me heal a few wounds that I knew needed resolution, and brought up a few that I thought were moved on from!

I will explain....

In class we are given "stories" to work on. I think we call them stories because calling them 'scripts' brings attention to the words. We aren't trying to recite lines... we are trying to relive lives.

There are these two very talented young ladies working on an intense play, a piece called 'Ruined' by Lynn Nottage. It was written to raise awareness to a real world problems in countries like Africa, and won a Pulitzer Prize in 2009.

(http://www.almeida.co.uk/Downloads/development/resources/RuinedResourcePack.pdf)

^^The breakdown of the play for your own viewing pleasure.... there are pictures!! **

It is written from the perspective of the women in the Congo while they were abducted, imprisoned, and brutally raped and terrorized by the soldiers during the war. Many of them were torn away from their homes, and families and thrown into a world where "rape was used as a weapon", and "their bodies became the battlefield." This left most of the women ostracized for being 'tainted' and many of them were so scarred they were no longer able to have children. She also talks in the Preface about how many of the boys/men who were oppressing these women, were also victims of war, violence, terror and even rape, leaving some of them so damaged that they would never be able to recover from the mental trauma they received prior to the terror they would go on to cause. 

THIS is when MY breakdown, and then immediate revelation happened!!

Sparing you the details, I was raped my junior year of high school. I was 17 years old... and here we are 10 years later. I can openly talk about it, if asked, and even feel the urge TO share my story in an attempt to help others cope with something similar, or to have a better understanding of it. It doesn't haunt me anymore... I am no longer hurting or angry. I found peace with it, accepted it, and was able to successfully move forward from it.  When I heard the real life accounts of the tragedy happening in this world, which we all know exists but choose to ignore, it unearthed so many emotions that I almost lost it in the middle of class. 

I immediately felt so grateful. I had been raped but was still able to have a child. I could  never even fathom the possibility of the other alternative. To not have my son in my life would be the most devastating thing I could ever imagine going through. Just the thought of it now is making me have to choke back tears. But that is to be expected... that child is my life. 

The thing I didn't expect was what came next... pity. In hearing what the men went through prior to becoming mortal terrorists, suddenly I felt bad for the guy that took advantage of me. I saw it from a completely different perspective, and it was as if I was magically calmed from the inside. This strange sense of peace came over me and I wept... for him. 

I don't believe that he went through anything remotely comparable to the men she was describing to me, and it in no way justifies it, but with my new 'empathetic' outlook, I had a better understanding. I had answers to questions that had previously been left blank. And although I also know that what I experienced paled in comparison to those women as well, I felt closure about it for the first time in a decade. 

I realized that though I had recovered from the events that took place that night, it was like I had broken a bone, and it had healed, but wasn't set properly. This moment was not a breakdown, but a necessary breaking of bone so that I could reset it and have it heal correctly. 

I won't get on a high horse, but I count my blessings daily. This time in my life has been the most liberating experience, and I try not to take one minute for granted. I am doing things I never thought that I could ever do. I have been able to change the thought from:

I can't... to...

I could... to... 

I should... to...

I DID!!

I have fought with this constant fear of never being good enough. I have worried day in, and day out what people thought of me and the things that I was making or creating. I didn't realize until recently how debilitating it has been to me. It has truly held me back in more ways than I am probably even aware of. But in the becoming aware of it, I was able to stop the chain, and in the healing, I have begun to accept the fact that I will never be able to make everyone happy. I will never be able to please everyone's taste. In fact, it is possible that I might not be able to do it for even ONE person. So knowing that, I should just focus on making myself happy, and creating honest work that I believe in. If I can do that, then releasing it into the world won't be a fearful event, but a joyous one. And while others are deciding whether they love or hate it.... I am going to go on creating. (thanks Andy Warhol)

If you are an actor, friend or otherwise, and are looking to grow.... please check out Diana and what she is doing at the Imagined Life Theater. Even if you aren't in the LA area or are attending somewhere else, her lectures can be purchased on the site, and on CD. They will help you grow and be more than you ever thought possible. I know... I am blessed enough to be able to experience it every week. 

http://www.theimaginedlife.com/

It's been a minute.....

Don' be impatient... I haven't gone anywhere...

But you remember when your parents used to say, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all!" That should answer your questions... if you even had any in the first place. 

In the last couple of months my life has done a complete 180.... I thought I was on one track and it seems that I was derailed.  But the most amazing things have happened, and I am back on the track that I SHOULD be on.  I am not going to be on here ranting about anything negative, because there is no reason to revisit anything that made my life less than it deserves to be. What I would like to do is tell you some of the things that I have learned and how it has catapulted my life to be everything I said it would, even though when I said them, I thought they were ridiculous...

When you love someone and do whatever you have to do to make it work, I thought that was what loving someone meant. I realize now, that you ARE supposed to do that, but when the other person loves you back, they are aware, and don't take advantage of it. There is a balance, and a mutual respect for your love and your relationship... and at some point, you have to put that energy back into all the pieces of yourself that you sacrificed for someone else. 

My goals when I moved to LA were that I wanted to have a manger/agent within 6 months, and I wanted to be going out for a full length feature film or TV series by June. I have now accomplished both of those things, and I could not be happier. "Why June?" you might ask. Well, June because it is the 6th month of the year and I wanted to have made incredible strides within the first half of the new year, and because my son is coming to LA for the Summer and he comes in June. So I wanted to be establishing a momentum by then so that I wasn't so stressed and struggling when he got here. 

In this process, I have met some of the most amazing people, and started to do some of the most amazing things. I finally have people surrounding me that not only understand the things I want, and am trying to do, but are fully supportive and generate a creative energy inside me that fuels me to do things I never thought possible. I have started doing things I never knew I was capable of, and am creating and being more than I thought I could, and it has changed the way that I view my goals, and made them even bigger and clearer. 

Bigger?!?! Bigger than winning an Oscar? Bigger than having my own TV show? Yes... bigger  because I feel them more strongly and deeply. I feel so much more convicted to them than I did before. I was still hanging on to fear.... the fear of failure. Fear of not being good enough or deserving enough of my dreams. I know now that I not only deserve everything that I can dream of, but that the sky is the limit, and anything less than that, I prevented myself from achieving. Why the hell would I EVER do that!?!? 

I also realized, that losing love is a very sad thing, but it opens the door to find the right kind of love. The kind that opens your heart back up, opens your mind to the belief that it is possible, opens your eyes to how you should be loved, and opens your life to being shared with someone who balances it, as well as lifts it up instead of holding it down. Regardless of heartbreak, and I have had many in my life, I have never lost faith that "true love" exists for everyone, and the things that it should contribute to you. "Fairytale" relationships can exist, but it isn't up to you to make both sides believe it.... I have realized that the other person has to be the one to make YOU believe it. But you have to stay open to the idea of it in the first place. I know that I am not where I thought I was going to be right now, or with who I thought I would be here with, but I am in a BETTER place and with better places come better people. You don't find Prince Charming in the slums! And you have to know you deserve it.

Life is a funny thing, but when you know who you are, and what you want, it is your job to do what you need to do to put yourself on the right track. Once you are on that track, everything else falls into place, and you start to meet the people who are on the same track as you and aid you in your goals... even if it is just by knowing you can do it. A simple phone call or text to let you know they are there and thinking of you, and life is suddenly one step further than you thought it would be. Surrounding yourself with these people is one of the most important things you can do for you and your dreams! And as hard as it is, everyone else is expendable. I hate to be that blunt, but let's be honest, deep down you know that those people would just as easily get rid of you for their own personal success. 

I can say with all honesty and conviction, that I am the absolute happiest I have been in a VERY long time, and right now I have found such contentment, that I don't know that I could be any happier at this moment than I am. I have been working on trying to stay present, but I always have my future in the forefront of my mind. I refuse to lose sight of my goals or let anyone think they can take them from me. My life is mine, and I have taken full responsibility for it. Every minute of every day should have intention, even if that intention is to finally let yourself have a little fun. It has to start somewhere, and it will always come back to starting with you. 

Put a smile on your face, a song in your heart, and one foot firmly in front of the other. 

Rinse and repeat!

You need to see this!!!

Every once in a while you stumble across something that brings up emotions in you, and you don't know why! THIS IS ONE OF THOSE THINGS!!

All I can say, is watch this and see if it touches you as well! It is a beautiful performance, in one of my favorite forms of art... DANCE!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=gOheCGjXoLg

I have been crying for the bulk of today!

There are a few things I feel the need to talk about today... partly for explanation purposes and partly just to get them off of my chest. But I will start with what happened to bring these tears to light.

I got a mildly distressed phone call from my ex husband in regards to my son, and his behavior recently. Right before I moved to LA, Tyler was diagnosed with ADHD and they were recommending medicines and all sorts of things. I am generally opposed to putting him on medicine, as I also have ADHD and have never been on any medication for it. I look at the fact that I have extra energy as a blessing because I have been able to do more than most people in very short periods of time. But I am also a female, and I know that boys have more energy and I didn't think it was fair to my ex, my family, and his family to be so objected to the meds, when they were going to be the ones taking him full time, since I was moving. So I let them make the decision. Apparently, they are having some trouble administering his medication to him, and when he isn't on it, he is acting up and it has finally gotten to the point where they are talking about suspending him from school, etc. When I got this news, I was distraught. Mostly because I feel bad that I am not there to help more. I am not there to give support. I am not there... in general. 

There are hardly ANY people in my life, or at all, that understand why I moved, and left my son in Dallas. Most people think I am a selfish, self-centered person. They think that I should have put my dreams on the back burner when I had my son, and that THEY would have made a different choice. And they are right... but I tried that....

For those of you who don't know the whole story, I will give you cliff notes version:

I got pregnant and had a baby at 20, out of wedlock, and scared to death. When I found out, I never once considered giving him up or terminating the pregnancy. He was my responsibility and I would have to figure it out. And I did... tried to make a family he would be proud of, had a "normal" day job, making salary and all that. Got married, bought the house.... and I was miserable. You can't make your life into something that it isn't. You can't make someone love you who doesn't, and you can force yourself to be happy doing things, and living a life that you don't love. I was willing to forget all of the things that I wanted for myself, to give my son a better life, but the question that I kept asking myself was "If I am unhappy, how happy could he be?"

The hardest decision I had EVER had to make was breaking up my family. We were miserable... we fought all the time and it was void of any true love. We weren't together because we loved each other, we were together because of our son. It was noble, and we made a valiant effort, but when it wouldn't work, it just wouldn't work. After the split, I started to learn more and more about myself and the things that I wanted to do, and the life that I wanted to be able to provide for my kid. But most importantly, the example that I wanted to set for him in the life that he was going to lead. I am not perfect, but I could never live with myself sitting there telling him to follow all of his dreams if I hadn't done the same. 

So after 4 years of being on my own, and trying to "make it work" in Dallas with very little success I was at that line again. I was working anywhere from 2-5 jobs and up to 21 hours a day trying to make ends meet while still TRYING to pursue modeling or acting by any means necessary. I was working a little bit, and things were moving, but VERY SLOWLY, and I was looking at the progress I had made in 4 years and thought I was never going to be able to make a change at this pace. I was hardly seeing my son as it was and getting nowhere quickly. I would have to make a decision... I was either going to have to give up and settle into a normal life that I was just going to have to "live with" OR I was going to have to go "all in" and really give it the effort that I had yet to be able to. 

I have been in this industry for a very long time, and I know when it is time to cash in your chips, and this wasn't my time. I feel a fire burning inside of me and I know what I am capable of, and it took me realizing that to finally make a decision. People let what other people think govern so many of the decisions they make and I had done that for SO long. I came to that fork in the road, and a decision HAD to be made... and it was THE hardest decision I have EVER made.... EVER!

So what do I do....

 Follow my dreams and be everything that I could be and change the life of my child and hopefully millions of others as well, but the cost is leaving him for a while and sacrificing that time knowing I will never get it back. Or stay, live the life that everyone else tells me I SHOULD be living, to give my son a mediocre life, and possibly be resentful forever.

I never wanted to leave my son. To this day, saying goodbye to him breaks my heart. Knowing that I would meet moments when I felt helpless, and angry, and regretful. Knowing that there would be times he would want or need me and I couldn't be there. Knowing that there might come a day when he chooses Texas over me. But I didn't leave him under a bridge. I didn't abandon him with a bunch of strangers. I didn't dump him off.... I spent 5 months planning the move and working it out. Tyler is in the middle of his first year of Kindergarten and everyone and everything he knows is in Dallas. It didn't make sense for me to fight to take him, and even more importantly, it wouldn't have been the right thing to do. It wouldn't have been fair for me to do that to him. I made the harder decision... the UNselfish one... leaving my son with people who love him so that I could go out an change his life. 

There is no way around it.... I put my career and future above the immediate needs of my kid. But on the flip side, I also prioritized enriching the lives of millions over the life of one. What would you do?

The same could be said for people in the military, who leave their families to protect the best interest of people they don't know, and they have the possibility of death to consider. I am not saying I am a martyr who deserves the same respect, but what I am saying is there are plenty of people who choose to do good for more.... more people, more lives, and a bigger purpose. 

Most people think I am delusional, that my dreams are outrageous, and that it is silly to believe that I have a chance to be all the things I say I will. Maybe I am... but for every person that has made it, there was a lifetime of people telling them they were crazy, and would fail. And the one common trait in every single one of them is that we are ALL a little bit crazy. You would have to be to make it in this industry or even to believe that you have a shot. But to overcome the obstacles, and actually break through that ceiling and prove everyone of them wrong IS how you make the difference. It is how I grow stronger every day. It is what keeps me going, KNOWING that one day I will look back at this and LAUGH. 

I am not trying to be an actress because I want to be famous. I am no Kim Kardashian.

I want to do this because I was blessed with the talent to do it, and the drive to make it happen. I was born with the innate ability to captivate an audience, and make people listen. I have everything it takes, PLUS a work ethic to make it happen. And to make it would change everything. I would be able to give my son everything he has ever needed. I would be able to see him whenever I wanted, and watch him flourish. And maybe, just maybe, I can change even more lives than just his. Maybe I can inspire someone else to try and change the world too. Maybe I can beat the odds, despite my situation, and be the best version of myself. Maybe I can show people that with enough drive, and enough belief, you can do ANYTHING. And maybe the person I want to see that the most... is my son. 

What if the only way to SHOW your kid how to do that was to do it yourself?

Would you?

Would you sacrifice a little bit of time with your child if it could change their life?

If you weren't in your OWN way, would you say no to your dream?

Do people think I am a bad mother for leaving him... yes. Do people think I am stupid for trying to do what I came out here to do... sure. But what will they be saying if I am able to do all of the things I said I was going to... 

nothing. 

I am very lucky that I have people to help with my son so I could come out here and do this, regardless of how they felt about it. He has a father who loves him, and a family who cares for him in my absence. If he didn't I would have brought him with me. I am glad he has the support that I don't, and I wouldn't have it any other way. He needs it more than I do, and the time away from his serves as fuel to my fire. 

You don't have to understand my decision, and you don't have to like it. You can judge me and think poorly of me all you want. I knew it would happen and planned for it. The reason I am upset is not because I care what you think of me, it is because I care what my son thinks of me. I don't want to let him down. And because of that, I know I won't. I am going to be someone that he is proud to call his Mom! And maybe I was that to him before... and maybe I would have always been that, no matter what. But I would never be able to live with myself if I somehow put a limit on what he was going to be able to do in his life, and how happy he would be, by doing the same to myself. 

Maybe you can live with that...

But I can't!